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Hello,
I’m new to this forum. I am (detail removed by moderator) and have been with the same man since I was a teenager. When we were young, people thought our constant rows were just ‘us’ – Ah look, there’s Jack and Jill (names changed, obviously) having another one of their rows. I don’t want to go into too much detail here, as our history could potentially identify me as it has such a long and unique path. Suffice to say, there have been many separations through such a long period of time. I have known for many, many years that his behaviour was the problem, and not mine. But it still persists in society that it “always takes two”. I now know that it doesn’t always take two. It really doesn’t. In my case it took one person who was a bully, and me who seems to use guilt and worry as fuel in my life. Oh my goodness, the behaviours have been multifarious, and changing through the years. I used to think the worst was the shouting. If I didn’t do what he said he’d start really, really yelling, sometimes right in my face – throwing things and slamming doors. But now I see that this was not the worst thing. The worst thing was the little, dehumanising things he did. Not looking at you when he spoke. Walking away while you were talking to him. Patronising me. Ignoring my opinion. Using his expertise at technology to ensure that I had to ask for his help for the simplest of things in the house. Insisting on tracking devices and then using others who used them as examples for why it was OK. But I soon realised it wasn’t the apps themselves that was the problem, but the way he used them. “Why were you there? You were in location X for X number of minutes. What were you doing?” He insisted he knew passwords for everything. He linked devices. I had no privacy whatsoever. He put me down, and every single day of my life was being told how I could do the simplest of things better, and why I shouldn’t do this that or the other. He didn’t support me in what I did, or give me credit for my achievements. Instead, he continually praised himself and things he did.
That was the behaviour, only a fraction of it, but it’s probably familiar to every one of us. Then there was the attempted escapes. Many of them. I have had solicitors involved, moved out – never mind the numerous times that separation was discussed. Each and every time, at some point, I have come back. I believed him. He is so convincing. Each time I looked at him and thought “He means it this time. He is enlightened. He can change”. He never did.
My advice to all you 20’s, 30’s and 40’s out there going through the same thing. If your other half has been showing this behaviour and has promised the earth, and then not changed it. I can guarantee that they never will. What is helping me now, is that I am saying to myself “Even if he has changed. I do not care. I absolutely do not care. I am now free”.
As usual, this time we’ve had excessive drinking while he promises he’s changed, suicide threats and ensuring that nobody in our circles has not been involved and hurt. He has brought friends and neighbours onside in order to paint me as a cruel and heartless person.
But this time, over the past few months I had consulted a Woman’s Aid support worker. She had a couple of sessions with me, and then I asked her if she could support me when I left again, to ensure that I never, ever fall into the same trap as before and go back to him. This time I have her, I have this forum and I have wisdom.
Wish me luck folks. I am currently staying with a friend while I try to get my home back.
BlueJeans
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Hey Bluejeans, it took me decades too but my turning point was women’s aid. Before that I didn’t know his game. I blamed myself (so did he). It was always my fault, something I did wrong. Then it was the alcohol but was women’s aid told me, many men drink alcohol and don’t abuse. Then it was his stressful job, well why doesn’t he abuse his boss. Then it was his anger management that only seemed to happen behind closed doors with no witnesses. I’ve been free several years now and it get so much easier. Slowly the good days become more and more. Your mental health improves. All those years traumatised closes down our rational brain. You’ve also found a fantastic forum full of experience and wisdom. You probably know but if he was abusive beforehand then there’s lots more to come. My ex tried to discredit me with everyone who would listen. They do this so that when the abuse is exposed they think they’ve already discredited you. They are quite stupid in their attempts too. Never keeping to the same story. I fought for my house and have it, if it’s what you want then don’t give up on it. I’m sitting in my home after all the threats and legal attempts to get me to sell. He lied for years about what I was entitled to. They are liars. A second chance at life for me and I’m making the most. Well done you x
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Yes, the depths they go to totally shocked me. Involving our children, reporting me to any agency that would listen including the police. The harassment and stalking. I got a solicitor to deal with the divorce so he had no reason to come near me. It was more expensive in the short term but he couldn’t bully her. Know his weaknesses and used them. Usually his reputation and money. You can bet he knows your weaknesses and will use them against you simply because he can x the gloves are off. Make sure you don’t try to negotiate or waste time and energy on him. He will lie and deny. Let the professionals deal with him x
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Thank you KIP and Iwantmeback. The whole process is very hard – but I’m visualising the future, with my house back and perhaps – after this lockdown, being able to get a job again and my life back again. I thought I realised how bad it was – but now that I’m out and living elsewhere, I am seeing how normal couples operate. Each day I have new thoughts and new insights. This morning was this. My WA support worker had reinforced with me the cycle of abuse. Each time he was ‘good guy’ it was simply the honeymoon phase. It now occurs to me, that all relationships have the odd row, huff or bad day. All relationships have an element of ‘kiss and make up’. But that is very different to my experience. My experience was a constant cycle. And the honeymoon phase only ever lasted as long as it ‘needed’ to, before the abuse kicked in again. Sometimes almost instantaneously. Most couples have tiffs now and again, but for the most part they just have ‘normal life’ – working, eating, socialising – and the tiffs are simply now and again. For me, there was NEVER normalcy. Always either abuse (rejection, neglect, lack of humanity), explosion (starting with extended periods in bed and rage brewing, to shouting and swearing) followed by honeymoon (how this played out depended on how much it needed to – but normally only lasted a few days to a couple of weeks). I am so glad to be out.
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