those feelings again

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

Impatience, anger I can’t control, sleeplessness, nervous, anxious, lost, bitter, negative, everything I can think of but most of all feeling like I am going insane.
I try to think how a prisoner, victim of total miscarriage of justice, must feel.
I tried to post earlier and deleted the lot, I just needed to vent. There is a meeting coming and my child will have a chance to explain what happened. I can guarantee you my child won’t, I am feeling already like I am back to square one after hearing my child say I would be the one to offer him safety and consistent parenting. He wanted to live with me, he was so freaked out by his dad recently…
But I don’t hold my hopes high any more, so far I have had no luck, it’s been one thing after another for the past x years. I should have divorced decades ago, the day he hit me. And now what life have I got, I even asked my daughter what life I will have after…
Silent treatment, it’s insane, it’s driving me crazy. I burst in tears earlier with her, I couldn’t stop the negativity coming, I have experienced so much. Like all of us on here…

They really feel nothing these men, don’t they?
They really are abnormal while seemingly normal to everyone else.
How does this happen? Insecurities, arrested emotional development, whatever caused their abusive nature…how do they do that?
I am exhausted yet I can’t sleep. I look terrible and I will look haggard again tomorrow, I dread tomorrow, I don’t feel hopeful one bit.
I wanted to stay with my friend tonight but she was busy, not her fault but it made me feel so terrible.
I stay home, all day, thinking, idle, I have no drive, yet I spend hours at home feeling disheartened, living in silence with him, how does he do that? His work must give him what he needs…
I am thinking of changing my own job…i can’t keep being paid so little, earning what I can. I have to change my life just to meet people, be part of a team, get out of here while making some regular money, this is not doing me any good at all.
From finding what I did job wise extremely useful and benefiting the needs of my family, I now find my circumstances are a prison. I need to start somewhere and avoid being here as much as possible. I can’t stand it anymore.
A few weeks ago I could not feel what these service users at Mind felt, anxiety mainly. Now I understand their true feelings because I feel anxious too, not just nervous, but deeply anxious. It’s become debilitating.
I have started looking at job sites I used while at the refuge, nothing advertised gives me the impression I can even apply, decades of looking after a family have left me useless, only good enough for manual work. He flies high while I skim the floor level…you have children and you often end up loosing yourself in the long term. I did. I have no confidence in any future successful career. Not at my age, feeling the way I do.
See!? So much negativity…
But tomorrow I will look and apply for everything I can. I have had enough. I am even going to look now, I might as well, I can’t sleep.
Sorry. I would hate being Lisa, reading all this rubbish of mine! 🙁 🙁

[Tuppance]

Hello. Your post, so sad could have been written by me. All those desperately negative emotions, lack of drive. Lethargy, despair. I just hold onto the dreams of a better life, getting there day by day, surviving, existing. I will also need to get a job but I have no valuable skills. We will get there though because it is inherent in our being to survive. Big his to you and I hope you feel a sense of achievement for applying for jobs – that is another step towards the life you deserve x*x

[Tuppance]

Big hugs, i meant xx

[citrine]

I know how you feel. I too feel like a prisoner. We never speak; he never acknowledges his own children. We haven’t shared room for years we do not eat together.

So I decided. I do not live with this man as we share nothing together.

I have now got myself a full time job; which will be tough with my children. But nothing can be as tough as how we’ve lived over past several years. But I will be self sufficient.

I’m now flat hunting. I think I can do this now.

Good luck with job search today. Go for it!

[Author]

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