Those in long term relationships

[Chocolatebunnie]

Do you have long spells where it’s ok, bumps along the way but you put it down to relationships never bring perfect. We know really, but we have to cope.

Everything is generally ok. But moments when you feel like something is missing or not right. Do you ignore it doubt yourself, tell yourself you’re an over-thinker, that you’re being silly?

I find as I’ve become stronger he’s got better. But then it appears again. But it’s never really been as bad as the first few times he was really abused I’ve in the beginning, not often even then but verbally and emotionally very nasty. It’s subtle now.

I’m worrying as I’m now older what life will be like with my husband in our twilight years, do they mellow? He has, but I’m stronger.

It’s things like when I’m ill he busies himself and doesn’t offer much help in caring for me, he does housework but is this what men are like. I just don’t know.

As my dads still abusive, in his old age and my husband I’ve been with most of my adult life I haven’t had any thing to compare and people even other survivors I have met have wondered if my husband is just at times a grumpy old man. And so the doubt creeps in. Again, my husband insists my childhood makes me think every man is abusive. So this makes me doubt myself some more.

Seeing my parents, how cruel my dad is towards my mum, especially as she get older and more vulnerable with her health needs. I’m honestly thinking about what the future will be like.

Wondering what others have experienced and if it’s similar to my situation at all?

[nbumblebee]

Yep CB yep.
When its nice i doubt every single word i think what am i doing here? Im the abusive one its me my fault im broken and i see whats not there.
But then it starts up again and i am reminded that no hes not a nice person.
Abuse or not abuse if you are unhappy in your marriage if you have fallen out of love then iys time to leave regardless of what its called i think maybe im wrong but the reason why leaving an abusive marriage is that iys abusive and it does things to us that a usual marriage wouldnt make us feel unworthy lost alone and scared. Full of fear guilt and doubt. Its what they do its what they will always do.
Go and read your posts on here back when it was bad pretend they are from soneone else not you now how do you feel?
Its easier to see others pain than our own.
But yep me too CB i get this you are as always not alone x*x

[Chocolatebunnie]

nbumblebee you always understand where I’m coming from.

Exactly as you described I am blaming myself for getting it wrong, it’s me that’s messed up because of my past and how could I accuse him of such things?

Until he shows himself again and how nasty he can be, then I will spin off in another direction.

I do love him, foolish yes, and I understand it’s comfortable because uncomfortable is all I know.

The kids would confirm my doubts. They have and still find him difficult.

But while it’s happy at the moment I’m holding onto hope that he won’t be too bad next time and I can manage etc etc. all I want is a happy life after all. Right now staying is easy.

I just think happy times can be hardest as you’ve still buried all those horrible memories and where do they sit? So that’s why I posted because where else can you go. I would sound crazy if I said to anyone everything is great at home but I can’t help but wonder …. So thanks again it’s helped not being alone.

I am waiting to see if I’m excepted for treatment for complex PTSD but whatever it is label wise I hope it will helps after being in therapy for over 30 years I need something more in depth. Rather than some help here and there. I know you have had similar experiences with this too.

Take care lovely x

[Darknessallaround]

Yes, totally relate to everything you’ve said @Chocolatebunnie, especially the spells of everything being okay and then without warning, everything changes and suddenly you are in the middle of a whirlwind of abusive language and behaviour.
My experience is that he’s got worse since getting older. If he’d mellowed it would be easier to cope with. But that’s just my experience, hopefully yours will be different.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thanks @Darknessallaround not mellowing it’s still there.

Sorry you’re in the situation you are.

I hope you’re ok

Best wishes CB X

[Author]

Posts