Those who grew up with abuse…

[resilient]

Hi everyone,

Does anyone who grew up with abuse struggle with their identity? If you were to describe yourself using three words, what would they be?

This behaviour was normal to me, as it was all I had ever known. The people I seemed to attract, whether friends or partners, confirmed these beliefs. This has changed and I am now developing healthy relationships. I recognise signs almost immediately and have learnt to trust my gut. Setting boundaries is still difficult for me. I dislike that I still have to encounter abusive people and wish they would leave me alone… I do not like confrontation!

[maddog]

I am very aware that I live well well below my potential. I know what and who I am though being these things is still a struggle. I am another of those people who has struggled so much with keeping alive that everything else has to take a back seat.

[clearthemurkywaters]

I grew up with emotional abuse from those who loved me, they still don’t know all the damage they’ve done, and my identity is still lost, i became so many things for them, went down different paths for them, still trying to find MY path now, its very difficult. 3 words – Confused, Lost and Searching. But i’m sure we will all get there in the end 🙂 x

[Catjam]

I know I am capable of so much more but my confidence and self esteem are so low and my depression at its worse I’m not sure how I manage the day. My mum was emotionally abusive looking back. Put downs, world champion at the silent treatment and I remember being terrified of her. I also had plans to join the police, filled the forms in but met my oh who wouldn’t have a wife in the force so spent my life in dead head jobs to work around him and the kids. Started college several times but was ‘persuaded ‘ to leave but always my decision because it fit better with my role as mum and wife. Spent over half my life pleasing everyone else so now I am gaining strength I feel like a kid who has been asked what it wants to be when it grows up? No idea, not a clue. Certainly not what I am doing now. Working in a shop all be it in a kind of manager role. I wanted to help people, go into law or health. Nearly 50 now so too late. Wow that was a vent and a half!!

[sunnyspells]

Hey Catjam, 50 is really not too old. I married really young and never had a chance to go to University. At age 53 I blagged my way onto a part-time MA programme. It’s been a lifesaver but was tough working the day job, dealing with the abuse, infidelity and divorce and studying all at the same time. But I made it and am now looking forward to graduating at age 57 alongside my youngest! Grab a brochure from a Uni open day. You may be able to get a student loan https://www.gov.uk/mature-student-university-funding. And if you don’t have the relevant entry qualifications, you can usually do those at a FE college before applying to Uni. Or check out the free online courses through https://www.coursera.org. As a mature student you would bring your lifetime experience to a course and, in my experience, the young people on the course with me were absolutely accepting, helpful and lovely. Do it for a change of career, or do it for fun. It could change your life 🙂

[KIP.]

Catjam, my ex was in the police too. I don’t think that’s to identifiable because you are far from the first partner of a police officer I’ve met on here. Please please change your thought process. The world is open to you now. I too was persuaded not to follow my dreams and goals but I’m doing them now. Age is just a number and many people want help from older women. I’ve almost done a nightschool class in psychology and counselling and intend to carry on down that route. Only you can hold you back now. Think of all those years of experience you can use to forge ahead. Women’s aid are always looking for volunteers. It’s only by taking those steps that your confidence will return and you can be the woman you know you can be.

[hop]

I can relate to not knowing who I am and not having the self confidence to stop situations before they’re out of control. I also live a life way below my potential. I don’t feel equal to the rest of society in any given situation I class myself as the lowest and steer clear of adults. I’m so sensitive to shifts in people’s moods even the slightest change has me on edge so that’s another reason to keep away from grown ups.

[diymum@1]

KIP – have you looked at the super police report? Xx

[diymum@1]

Sorry my three words are emotional insecurity- lost – scared xx

[starqueen]

I think I did experience some abuse growing up, the main bulk of how my upbringing affected me was a fear of taking risks. That wasn’t necessarily just to do with abusive behaviour but I think some of it was. I’m getting a lot better though! Oh also feeling excessively responsible for everyone else.

[Author]

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