Those who have stayed a few questions

[Chocolatebunnie]

How have you managed your mental health I’m feeling very anxious all the time, I’ve had endless therapy and awaiting some for CPTSD

Have you regretted staying

Has the abuse got worse

What advice would you give

I find I cannot heal, not sure I ever will or if it’s possible. I don’t think I can break the trauma bond or cycle at the moment if ever worry how I would feel in years to come if I do nothing but I can’t imagine life without him (sounds stupid) but he’s all I’ve really know decades together

[charmed]

I’m suffering mentally too, anxiety is very high bad panic attacks regularly. I have the decider skills app now. Like you I’m having lots of therapy and see a peer support worker who is brilliant. I’m not exactly managing it but I’m trying.

I don’t know how I’ve managed it but I’ve been in 4 abusive relationships but this one is the worst,looking back he knew what he was doing from day 1 but now I’m in to deep,I’m to old and tired to fight anymore. My ex partner took his own life and if I leave this man he will do the same and I can’t go through that again.plus everyone loves him he’s so nice! But they don’t see what we have put up with when his dark side comes out behind closed doors.

Yes I have regretted staying.

Yes the abuse has got worse.

Advice? Knowledge is power.

Even though I can’t leave learning about how and why they abuse helps me I feel less confused, it’s not right but I see why.

The book “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft is really good, interesting and helpful xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

thanks for your reply, Im glad youve found a way to support yourself with mental health it really is hard living this way, anxiety is such a hard thing to manage xx

Im sorry to hear about your ex that must have been so horrible to go through, and that you are feeling the strain with your current partner.

I totally get ‘knowledge is power’ that also helps with mental health and just managing to survive the relationship. Just had this conversation with my DA support worker its the cofusion that they leave us in that can do the most damage.

Will have a read of the book you suggest, i do have it xx

[Coogeebee]

Just get away. They never change. You don’t want to look back and think why didn’t I go. I tried to leave (detail removed by Moderator) times before I actually did (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He has continued his abuse and manipulation towards myself and my (detail removed by Moderator) who is letting me sleep on her sofa while I am waiting for my Tenancy to end. So far my only regret is not going sooner.
Charmed – you are never too old. I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and I intend to make up for (detail removed by Moderator) wasted years!

[MissIndependant]

I was also with my partner for decades but felt like a single parent. I tried to make things work but he was never happy, everything was always my fault. He no longer made me happy and I felt alone even though we were still together, family occasions were very rare, we didn’t do anything together, he’d lost his get up and go and the emotional/verbal abuse was getting worse. I would be interrogated daily.
It’s not worth the anxiety and your health and sanity should come first. It may take a long time (it took me years) but you will know when you are ready, something will just click into place.
If I hadn’t paid the deposit on my rental ir had the support from my family and friends, I think I would have stayed. It’s really difficult but you just have to make that first step and you should feel proud of yourself that you are reaching out. Good luck in whatever decision you make x

[charmed]

Chocolatebunnie sending you a big hug xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

thank you charmed and hugs returned xx

[nbumblebee]

You want honesty CB?
You cant. You cant stay and not think its gonna affect you mentally. It will no matter.
Ive learned that even if he changes you will always always have that fear and dread always.
If you choose to stay like me right now you have to find a way. KIP an amazjng woman kn here always said
Knowledge Is Power. The more info and support you surround yourself with will help you along the way.
You have to dig deep do things for yourself even though you know he will be horrible after you must do them. Mine used to stop me going to work stop me studying but I found a way and did it regardless because i choose to stay. If this is what you choose then you need to sit down with yourself think about small things that bring you joy, a club a drink with friends work whatever it may be and do it regardless. Obv stay safe always have a back up plan. I keep some cash hidden in case i need to find a hotel always have a back up and put your safety above all else yes he will get worse then better then worse it goes on and on and on forever, think about that.

There is no easy option im afraid no best way through tbere is only your way what you want what you feel you can do. This is YOUR life YOU are living it and only YOU can choose.

All meant with a huge amount of love and respect CB stay safe xxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Absolutely and yes I remember KIP she was very helpful.

Just had a conversation with support worker and as things are calm I feel im wasting her time, but it quickly became clear im not and was so very helpful. Shes not pressuring me to do anything but knows I would like to be free.

Its really not the right time for me now and she said that not me I have too much going on.

Just worry that I always have too much going on and the time will never be right.

Thanks NB X

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
I regret staying so long. Like yourself CB, I’ve stayed decades. I worry about upsetting my autistic grandson as his parents are separated. The abuse has settled but it won’t be for long. I’m trauma bonded too. I’d like to try leaving even if it doesn’t work out. Also I can see the abuse getting worse as I’m approaching old age now. Abuse in old age isn’t easy to escape from. I feel like I’m in a comfort zone that isn’t a nice comfort zone. I feel this way because I’ve been here for a long time. Do you feel that way CB? I find music and my dog helps with my poor mental health. Maybe it would be easier if I had friends but I’m an introvert. I haven’t got into therapy yet but hoping to visit a counsellor now the weather’s warmer. Sorry I haven’t any advice to give. I have stopped standing up to my husband, it makes him worse and then my nerves get bad because I don’t know how bad the abuse is going to be. I was heading for a breakdown last summer. I’ve set some boundaries which have worked but have a feeling they won’t last. Sorry, it’s rambly. Take care. X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi toffeeapple you are similar to me and I am introvert but i think hes made sure i am. Yes trauma bonded too.

Yes being trapped in old age is what im worried about, my mum is in this position now and i really dont want to be like her, its made me really think but not enough to actually do something, I just dont know if i will find the strength.

Its exactly as you say a comfort zone, even if its not nice you know where you stand, and change as we get older is so much harder to except, or is it? Perhaps its just the thought but once we are free it will feel better?

Im sorry you felt so poorly last summer, the better weather helps and so does going for walk, dogs are great companions. Take care of yourself, hugs CB X

[Rose1]

I wish I’d left years ago. I definitely feel more anxious and vulnerable having stayed. I cling on to the good times, it amazes me that I’m so crushed and devastated when he turns on me again, which he always does. It’s always my fault. He can shout, frighten and insult me, then casually sit doing a crossword, relaxing, while I’m left distraught. I’d give anything to feel strong confident & in control..to say ‘this is not acceptable I’m leaving you’ I think he feels certain in my fear and gets some sort of kick out of it.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Im the same, clinging onto good times which he now makes more effort but the bad times are so much harder to take as a result, real highs and lows. It is devastating, espefcially when youre left feeling so distraught and hurt and they get on with whatever they want to like nothing ever happended. it makes me feel horrible that i hold onto the hurt and upset like im the problem, but i have to remind myself i wouldnt be hurt and upset if he was nice in the first place, he like to make me feel guilty for still being uspet its all about what he wants in the end.

take care of yourself Rose1 x

[sweet4]

Mine has got worse, i am sure its alot with staying together, for more than 3 decades,you become a part of each other, and that is why it is so difficult to leave them.x

[Chocolatebunnie]

exactly as you say, plus i think the longer they get away with it the worse it gets, they know we put up with their behaviour x

[Wonderingifitsme]

I’ve been with mine a decade and half and (detail removed by moderator) I know i Need to leave but I don’t know how .

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi wonderingifitsme, try speaking with womensaid there really is no pressure, support from someone who will understand and may just give you the strength to make a change, no matter how big or small.

Ive done this many times, even tried seperating and they still have been so supportive x

[wildgeese]

i was with my ex husband over 2 decades. I left one evening with my kids and never went back. For me that was the only way. i didn’t know what would happen. We were homeless for 2 and a half weeks but found somewhere to rent. There is help out there for renting if it’s domestic abuse. I coped with the aftermath by only dealing with him through a solicitor. I never talked to him or had any direct contact with him again. I knew this was the only way, due to the trauma bond. it has been so tough, but I don’t regret it. It’s still not over yet. I still haven’t found a job and the whole idea of being financially alone scares me. But being free of abuse makes it worth it. I hope in time i will find something that I enjoy that will also make me financially secure.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Wildgeese, youre amanzing I wish I had the strength x

Trauma bond is the problem, how you did it through a solicitor is possibly the way I would need to move forward, each time I have separated he has won me back, by either being horrible (sounds strange) and then changing tactics, kept showing up and never really left the family home, so had no chance to move on.

I hope you keep moving forward, sounds like things are working out well for you and its really lovely to hear this, gives me some hope xx

[Stargazing1]

I wished I’d left a few years ago when I had everything organised to go then everything wouldn’t be as messy as it is now . Why didn’t I go then . Someone very close to me I would be doing the wrong thing to leave but until this person is not around when things kick off . I just don’t know who is right and who is wrong. I keep blaming myself and there is a really big part believes it is me at fault not taking other people’s feelings into consideration. I just don’t know anymore . Hopefully when I get to talk to the support worker things may look a little clearer.

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s a difficult choice to make and I’m really happy that you’ve got support.

It makes a massive difference to just be able to speak with someone who understands and doesn’t put pressure on you but is still there with you. Talking will really help you

Take care x

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Chocolatebunnie, I am your support more Than you will ever know ❤️. Please Take care of yourself too . Your a diamond 💎. Thanks 😊

[Stargazing1]

@Chocolatebunnie, I should I put I am grateful for your support more than you will ever know ❤️. Lol 😆 my head is all over the place. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too 💜. Thanks 😊 for everything 💖

[Chocolatebunnie]

You too keep reaching out you will find your way xx

[Stargazing1]

Thanks 😊 @Chocolatebunnie, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too 💜.

[Darknessallaround]

Hi @Chocolatebunnie, I can relate to this.

Trauma bonded – yes
Regretted staying – yes
In therapy – yes

My therapist said they think it is possible to heal whilst still living in this situation, but it would take longer. It might also be harder to do, because of constantly walking on eggshells at home.

Breaking the trauma bond cycle is incredibly difficult especially when you are still living in it. Sorry I don’t have any advice for how to deal with this other than leave, which I know from experience can feel impossible. I’ve left more than once and gone back. So no judgement from me (but plenty on myself)…

Do I regret going back – yes. But the older I get with additional health problems, the harder it is to leave again. It’s partly why I don’t post here very often… I don’t feel I really have the right to support when I don’t feel able to do anything about my own situation.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@Darknessallaround

This is really helpful but I’m so sorry to hear how hard this is for you, it’s so very hard to break free xx

I do feel the same, older you get health problems and then trying to leave is so much harder. The trauma bond is one powerful force.

Your therapist sounds very supportive and understanding so I hope that gives you some strength, comfort and a safe space to release some of the trauma you have experienced.

Do post don’t feel you shouldn’t every situation is different and we all have to do what works for us, your reply has been very much appreciated.

Take care CB X

[nbumblebee]

@Darknessallaround me too me too. I tell ladies on here to leave to get help all the while im sitting here with mine. Crazy eh? We can see and feel otbers pain but never our own. Always feel you can post as you have helped me throughout the years allow us to help and be there for you.

@chocolatebunnie Ive answered this b4 but I wanna again with new eyes. I stay. My counsellor says if i out in boundries its possible to heal whilst being here but its hard and it hurts and its 2 steps foward 3 back day in day out. Im week (detail removed by Moderator) into a nice spell since he read ny ohone and saw i had planned to leave i was so close but now am trapoed again. Has he changed? No. Is he abusive still? No but I see it in his eyes that hate i hear small little comments that chip away he ia trying so hard not to blow not because he wants too but because he knows i see him now. I have to keep that in my head. I have to remember but my god it hurts so so much. I hate being home with him I hate it so much but i choose to stay so i have to find a way through.
So, No they wont change.
Maybe we can stay if we put in boundrys.
Maybe we can heal but is there enough time cause its hard so very very hard.
Will we ever be truely happy by staying? No CB no we wont. There will always be that dark cloud if we stay and thats the choice we need to make I guess.
Cb none of this is easy, you have to make the right choice for you.
Look deep inside see what your heart is telling you.
It may take days weeks months or years but thats ok. Just do you sweetie xxxxxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee

thank you for your reply, and yes very difficult for us staying vs leaving thats for sure.

You never unsee it once you work out who they are, even though I’m in a incredibly nice phase with him, I still see it in his eyes as you describe and that hurts as he is as you also say and experience, trying incredibly hard.

He has shown his real self and i have seen him pull the mask back on in an instant, he knows and I cant work out if its because he doesnt want the nice phase to end because he loves me or more likely that this nice phase is making him happy and he sees by doing this he is getting what he wants from me. He knows I do not like or want to tolerate the old him.

But i have had further health problems and I am thinking ahead and still watching my parents in their abusive realtionship seeing my mum become helpless and trapped, this is my greatest fear, besides the damage done to my eldest children and what might be to the younger ones. So far I think the youngest is ok however they have a very strong bond and youngest is spoilt by their dad. It is obvious their dad has favourites or maybe more to the point copes with the children until their emotional needs become more complicated.

The eldest children dislike their father. One of them discussed this with me very recently and explained that their anger towards their father and the realtionship is unretrievable. They then explained that there is anger towards me for leaving them to live with their father, however it is difficult for me as particular child has a strong bond with me is very protective and also controlling of who i see and what i do as they have very strong opinions, but do have ASD and mental health problems where the dependancy also lies.

Sorry to have gone on, but as always I understand you entirely

CB X

[nbumblebee]

As always I get you.
My biggest regret will always be what my kids have seen and heard and me not being the strong mum they need. Mine turned after a long nice spell too and Im done. I give up I just give up. I wanna say something positive to you I do but CB I havent anything left within me.
Stay safe sweetie just stay safe xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

@nbumblebee I have replied to you on another post and again sending hugs thank you for your reply x*x

[silversapphire]

I tried to protect my mental health by distracting myself with music, american tv shows, listening to religious radio channels and seeking comfort from religious books.

Most of my regrets about staying revolve around how much my daughters lives have been ruined by me staying leaving them with no protection from a vile father who has no respect for women and views them as his own personal property whose destiny is to be ill-treated for as long as they are alive.

Abusers will always get worse over time and ruin more & more lives for as long as they have the health and freedom to do so.
The abusive will generally escalate their vicious behaviour as their arrogance and sadism grows.
They enjoy knowing that they have ground down their victims independence and willpower to nothing. Replacing past freedom and happy memories with a miserable future of complete powerlessness. Practically eliminating all the victims hope and making escape attempts very unlikely.

Abusers will never stop abusing until they are physically incapable or dead.
Too unhealthy to move, can’t communicate, heavily medicated in a secure mental health facility, jailed in solitary with no visitors except lawyers and no ways of communicating with anyone else on the outside.
Ruining other people’s lives is an abusers habit as well as a favourite hobby.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@silversapphire the children are my greatest worry too, but can never decide or find the fight to get out, even more so as things are very good at the moment.

He has got angry when the children try to talk to him but with me he is managing to be ok.

I hope you are still managing to cope are you free or still living with your abuser?

thanks for replying CB X

[silversapphire]

@Chocolatebunnie

I am still living with him and struggling a lot at the moment.
I’m terminally ill and unable to access any medical support or even get over the counter painkillers.
I am focusing my efforts on finding a way to get my daughters out safely so that they can go no contact and have the chance at building a happy future for themselves.

[Secret6]

My mental health is in tatters tbh. It’s so hard to just try to act normal. I so wish I could leave. I missed all my chances and that was a huge mistake. I trapped now and just long for him to die

[Chocolatebunnie]

Secret6 I’m really sorry to hear this and sending you a hug.

If you’re able to speak with local services I would, no pressure they just chat and if you need anything more they’re there to help.

It just helps to get it out and talk sometimes.

Take care x

[Secret6]

I actually would love to talk, but I don’t have the freedom to do even that. We are together pretty much 24/7 and my only interaction with other people is online and all my online friends are secret ones. It’s impossible to have a long conversation that way (because he would notice) it’s honestly driving me insane. I can feel that it is.

[Sogo1234]

I feel like I could have written this post myself. I have stayed for now and my anxiety and depression is really bad even though things are fine/calm in my relationship at the moment. I have to do so much to keep it in check though and it is exhausting. I do yoga, meditate (although haven’t been doing that much lately), spiritual practices, and have started doing some somatic energy release exercises which I find helpful.

I read in one of your comments you felt like you were wasting the support workers time as things are calm now. I am working with one but feel the same. However she never sticks to the times she says she will call or will call on days we haven’t arranged (I know she’s really busy though) which is quite stressful as I need to plan these calls when my partner isn’t home so I’ve just not called her back for a few weeks. I’ve not found her very helpful or easy to talk to either.

I have had a few chances to leave and recall saying in my head “just let it happen” but I never can push past and let the break up go through. I am definitely trauma bonded.

This relationship has changed me and changed my life. I don’t like who I have become, I don’t feel like my own person anymore and feel like my personality has changed. I have developed new health issues since being in it which I think are linked in some way to the stress. My nervous system is a mess. I love my partner though. It’s hard to think of leaving even though I’m unhappy.

I hope you find the strength to leave if that’s what you want x

[Stargazing1]

Mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse . It knocks us sideways . We don’t know whether we are coming or going. Anti depressants are a way of helping in one respect I know that everyone will already know this anyway. One thing I haven’t done myself is talk to a doctor about it . I’m too scared to speak with a GP yet . Talking therapy again somethings each and every single one of you will know . I have no clue how womens aid help people with their mental health but I’m sure they have a way . Private counselling all these ideas have probably already been put forward. Mental health helplines/ phone calls . The mental abuse as everyone knows knocks our confidence and self-esteem. We feel un important don’t we . They never apologise it like they don’t care . Hoping that you all get the help you all deserve. Sending gentle hugs.

[Haven]

You CAN break a trauma bond but you have to leave the home & have no or limited contact. You will then be in control and not sucked back into the cycle of abuse, feeling sorry for them or altering your behaviour to please them.  I have tried to leave many times but just moved into spare room. He plays the victim and love bombs me. Desperate to do anything it takes to win me back. Move out and he can’t do this! Since I moved out (detail removed by moderator) he cannot control me and I don’t miss him or feel anything for him. I am healthier and happier out of his presence.

You must get support and help to leave safely. I called the national helpline daily to sound off and build up to it. They were really supportive and had me on system so didn’t have to explain from beginning every time which was massive help.

I still can’t believe that I don’t miss him and no longer need him in my life. He needs me but I don’t need or want him in my life. Go girl! You CAN do this .

Stay safe xx

 

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