Those who have stayed a few questions

[Chocolatebunnie]

How have you managed your mental health I’m feeling very anxious all the time, I’ve had endless therapy and awaiting some for CPTSD

Have you regretted staying

Has the abuse got worse

What advice would you give

I find I cannot heal, not sure I ever will or if it’s possible. I don’t think I can break the trauma bond or cycle at the moment if ever worry how I would feel in years to come if I do nothing but I can’t imagine life without him (sounds stupid) but he’s all I’ve really know decades together

[charmed]

I’m suffering mentally too, anxiety is very high bad panic attacks regularly. I have the decider skills app now. Like you I’m having lots of therapy and see a peer support worker who is brilliant. I’m not exactly managing it but I’m trying.

I don’t know how I’ve managed it but I’ve been in 4 abusive relationships but this one is the worst,looking back he knew what he was doing from day 1 but now I’m in to deep,I’m to old and tired to fight anymore. My ex partner took his own life and if I leave this man he will do the same and I can’t go through that again.plus everyone loves him he’s so nice! But they don’t see what we have put up with when his dark side comes out behind closed doors.

Yes I have regretted staying.

Yes the abuse has got worse.

Advice? Knowledge is power.

Even though I can’t leave learning about how and why they abuse helps me I feel less confused, it’s not right but I see why.

The book “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft is really good, interesting and helpful xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

thanks for your reply, Im glad youve found a way to support yourself with mental health it really is hard living this way, anxiety is such a hard thing to manage xx

Im sorry to hear about your ex that must have been so horrible to go through, and that you are feeling the strain with your current partner.

I totally get ‘knowledge is power’ that also helps with mental health and just managing to survive the relationship. Just had this conversation with my DA support worker its the cofusion that they leave us in that can do the most damage.

Will have a read of the book you suggest, i do have it xx

[charmed]

Chocolatebunnie sending you a big hug xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

thank you charmed and hugs returned xx

[nbumblebee]

You want honesty CB?
You cant. You cant stay and not think its gonna affect you mentally. It will no matter.
Ive learned that even if he changes you will always always have that fear and dread always.
If you choose to stay like me right now you have to find a way. KIP an amazjng woman kn here always said
Knowledge Is Power. The more info and support you surround yourself with will help you along the way.
You have to dig deep do things for yourself even though you know he will be horrible after you must do them. Mine used to stop me going to work stop me studying but I found a way and did it regardless because i choose to stay. If this is what you choose then you need to sit down with yourself think about small things that bring you joy, a club a drink with friends work whatever it may be and do it regardless. Obv stay safe always have a back up plan. I keep some cash hidden in case i need to find a hotel always have a back up and put your safety above all else yes he will get worse then better then worse it goes on and on and on forever, think about that.

There is no easy option im afraid no best way through tbere is only your way what you want what you feel you can do. This is YOUR life YOU are living it and only YOU can choose.

All meant with a huge amount of love and respect CB stay safe xxxx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Absolutely and yes I remember KIP she was very helpful.

Just had a conversation with support worker and as things are calm I feel im wasting her time, but it quickly became clear im not and was so very helpful. Shes not pressuring me to do anything but knows I would like to be free.

Its really not the right time for me now and she said that not me I have too much going on.

Just worry that I always have too much going on and the time will never be right.

Thanks NB X

[Toffeeapple]

Hi Chocolatebunnie,
I regret staying so long. Like yourself CB, I’ve stayed decades. I worry about upsetting my autistic grandson as his parents are separated. The abuse has settled but it won’t be for long. I’m trauma bonded too. I’d like to try leaving even if it doesn’t work out. Also I can see the abuse getting worse as I’m approaching old age now. Abuse in old age isn’t easy to escape from. I feel like I’m in a comfort zone that isn’t a nice comfort zone. I feel this way because I’ve been here for a long time. Do you feel that way CB? I find music and my dog helps with my poor mental health. Maybe it would be easier if I had friends but I’m an introvert. I haven’t got into therapy yet but hoping to visit a counsellor now the weather’s warmer. Sorry I haven’t any advice to give. I have stopped standing up to my husband, it makes him worse and then my nerves get bad because I don’t know how bad the abuse is going to be. I was heading for a breakdown last summer. I’ve set some boundaries which have worked but have a feeling they won’t last. Sorry, it’s rambly. Take care. X

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi toffeeapple you are similar to me and I am introvert but i think hes made sure i am. Yes trauma bonded too.

Yes being trapped in old age is what im worried about, my mum is in this position now and i really dont want to be like her, its made me really think but not enough to actually do something, I just dont know if i will find the strength.

Its exactly as you say a comfort zone, even if its not nice you know where you stand, and change as we get older is so much harder to except, or is it? Perhaps its just the thought but once we are free it will feel better?

Im sorry you felt so poorly last summer, the better weather helps and so does going for walk, dogs are great companions. Take care of yourself, hugs CB X

[Rose1]

I wish I’d left years ago. I definitely feel more anxious and vulnerable having stayed. I cling on to the good times, it amazes me that I’m so crushed and devastated when he turns on me again, which he always does. It’s always my fault. He can shout, frighten and insult me, then casually sit doing a crossword, relaxing, while I’m left distraught. I’d give anything to feel strong confident & in control..to say ‘this is not acceptable I’m leaving you’ I think he feels certain in my fear and gets some sort of kick out of it.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Im the same, clinging onto good times which he now makes more effort but the bad times are so much harder to take as a result, real highs and lows. It is devastating, espefcially when youre left feeling so distraught and hurt and they get on with whatever they want to like nothing ever happended. it makes me feel horrible that i hold onto the hurt and upset like im the problem, but i have to remind myself i wouldnt be hurt and upset if he was nice in the first place, he like to make me feel guilty for still being uspet its all about what he wants in the end.

take care of yourself Rose1 x

[sweet4]

Mine has got worse, i am sure its alot with staying together, for more than 3 decades,you become a part of each other, and that is why it is so difficult to leave them.x

[Chocolatebunnie]

exactly as you say, plus i think the longer they get away with it the worse it gets, they know we put up with their behaviour x

[Wonderingifitsme]

I’ve been with mine a decade and half and (detail removed by moderator) I know i Need to leave but I don’t know how .

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hi wonderingifitsme, try speaking with womensaid there really is no pressure, support from someone who will understand and may just give you the strength to make a change, no matter how big or small.

Ive done this many times, even tried seperating and they still have been so supportive x

[wildgeese]

i was with my ex husband over 2 decades. I left one evening with my kids and never went back. For me that was the only way. i didn’t know what would happen. We were homeless for 2 and a half weeks but found somewhere to rent. There is help out there for renting if it’s domestic abuse. I coped with the aftermath by only dealing with him through a solicitor. I never talked to him or had any direct contact with him again. I knew this was the only way, due to the trauma bond. it has been so tough, but I don’t regret it. It’s still not over yet. I still haven’t found a job and the whole idea of being financially alone scares me. But being free of abuse makes it worth it. I hope in time i will find something that I enjoy that will also make me financially secure.

[Chocolatebunnie]

Wildgeese, youre amanzing I wish I had the strength x

Trauma bond is the problem, how you did it through a solicitor is possibly the way I would need to move forward, each time I have separated he has won me back, by either being horrible (sounds strange) and then changing tactics, kept showing up and never really left the family home, so had no chance to move on.

I hope you keep moving forward, sounds like things are working out well for you and its really lovely to hear this, gives me some hope xx

[Stargazing1]

I wished I’d left a few years ago when I had everything organised to go then everything wouldn’t be as messy as it is now . Why didn’t I go then . Someone very close to me I would be doing the wrong thing to leave but until this person is not around when things kick off . I just don’t know who is right and who is wrong. I keep blaming myself and there is a really big part believes it is me at fault not taking other people’s feelings into consideration. I just don’t know anymore . Hopefully when I get to talk to the support worker things may look a little clearer.

[Chocolatebunnie]

It’s a difficult choice to make and I’m really happy that you’ve got support.

It makes a massive difference to just be able to speak with someone who understands and doesn’t put pressure on you but is still there with you. Talking will really help you

Take care x

[Stargazing1]

Thank you @Chocolatebunnie, I am your support more Than you will ever know ❤️. Please Take care of yourself too . Your a diamond 💎. Thanks 😊

[Stargazing1]

@Chocolatebunnie, I should I put I am grateful for your support more than you will ever know ❤️. Lol 😆 my head is all over the place. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too 💜. Thanks 😊 for everything 💖

[Chocolatebunnie]

You too keep reaching out you will find your way xx

[Stargazing1]

Thanks 😊 @Chocolatebunnie, take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too 💜.

[Darknessallaround]

Hi @Chocolatebunnie, I can relate to this.

Trauma bonded – yes
Regretted staying – yes
In therapy – yes

My therapist said they think it is possible to heal whilst still living in this situation, but it would take longer. It might also be harder to do, because of constantly walking on eggshells at home.

Breaking the trauma bond cycle is incredibly difficult especially when you are still living in it. Sorry I don’t have any advice for how to deal with this other than leave, which I know from experience can feel impossible. I’ve left more than once and gone back. So no judgement from me (but plenty on myself)…

Do I regret going back – yes. But the older I get with additional health problems, the harder it is to leave again. It’s partly why I don’t post here very often… I don’t feel I really have the right to support when I don’t feel able to do anything about my own situation.

[Chocolatebunnie]

@Darknessallaround

This is really helpful but I’m so sorry to hear how hard this is for you, it’s so very hard to break free xx

I do feel the same, older you get health problems and then trying to leave is so much harder. The trauma bond is one powerful force.

Your therapist sounds very supportive and understanding so I hope that gives you some strength, comfort and a safe space to release some of the trauma you have experienced.

Do post don’t feel you shouldn’t every situation is different and we all have to do what works for us, your reply has been very much appreciated.

Take care CB X

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