Thoughts (detail removed by moderator) months free

[Anonymous]

Hi. First post of this kind ever. So thank you for reading. Here is what I have learned.

A bit of background. I read in another post a reference to “The Terminator” from the 80s movie and this is exactly how I describe my ex. It is a thing, a non-human entity. A presence that exists only to serve itself and it’s own needs. I will refer to this as T1.

I existed with T1 for so many years. I was lucky enough to see what it was (removed by moderator) years ago but it was only (removed by moderator) months ago I could take positive steps to remove the T1 from my life.

The absolute horrors we endure with a T1 like being cannot be measured. The isolation, the coping mechanisms, the lengths we go to to protect the T1 because of its lies that draw on our natural empathy and desire to help others.

I am a successful, self-reliant, seemingly confident and intelligent person and I want to share my personal learning here.

1. There are almost no limits to what a decent person will endure to support a T1 in order to have them give you a glimpse of how great it can be with them and how special they make you feel My personal “limit” was not when (removed by moderator). It wasn’t when they battered me (removed by moderator). It was when (removed by moderator).

2. No contact. You hear about this a lot. But think your T1 is a special case and only you understand it. It’s ok for you to keep some contact because you understand them. No you don’t. If you contact them in any way once you finally escape it is like resetting back to square one. Ignore them – it is the only way to deal with a T1. It hates it and over time will get bored.

3. It is normal to “miss” a T1. Miss what you thought could have been. Eventually your heart catches up with your head. Feeling lonely is normal but being alone is so so much better than being with a T1 and constantly feeling alone

4. You will get a hurricane of horror thrown at you when you get away from them. It may take a day a week a month but it will come and from unexpected corners. But it will get easier. Personally I was at the point of feeling so low about my life that I felt I had nothing left to lose. Have people around you that can see the T1 for what it is. Other people shining light on their behaviour makes them shrink away like vampires.

5. No matter how great you think you are doing after escape from a T1 you need help. You will find that the simplest of things from the kindest of people can trigger massive panics as you cannot understand normal behaviour and expect T1 behaviour in others. I am finding this is ruining potential new friendships if I let it. I won’t let it.

You are all warrior lionesses to survive what you are surviving or have survived. There is light at the end of this tunnel and it it bright.

Thanks for reading. If any of this makes sense to anyone reading it would be great to hear from you. Likewise if this sounds like rubbish. I am here to learn as I put one foot in front of the other leaving the T1 in the shadows.

Much love to you all x

[1angel]

Hi Kilngirl. Thanks for posting. I am new here too, only posted my post in.. years after divorce. I feel so much of what you’ve said. I am (detail removed by moderator) years in and still struggling. I t has taken me this long to call the police and report historical abuse on myself and my son but also repeated abuse by text from him. It makes me panic every day, I only did this very recently and I am really struggling with it. Daily i feel that I can’t breathe, I get into bed and cry!! I am also learning ato put one foot in front of the other. Do you know what? Together we can get there xx

[Anonymous]

1Angel you are amazing.
Amazing for finding the strength to report it. It sounds easy and to anyone else “why would you not phone the police” but it’s the hardest thing I ever did and only when it was hurting those people I really loved. I found the police reaction varied from hopeless and making me feel it was my problem to fix to fantastic – so keep going.
I thought I was doing well but I’m not. I’m a crier but have not cried about my ex for years until 2 days ago. And it was for the loss of myself. The loss of not being able to answer a simple question “what do you like to do outside work?” and I couldn’t answer because the truth is outside work I walked on eggshells and did whatever the hell I was told to “keep the peace”
Also assuming the worst in every new person I meet and triggering back to hell over the most simple things.
The best thing I ever did was stop giving this thing any oxygen whatsoever – exhausting as doing that is.
F this. No more.
I can’t wait for a Christmas Day without the constant fear xx

[KIP.]

I like to think of these men as parasites. Always looking for a host to suck dry, then moving on to the next host. You definitely need help after leaving. That’s when you need counselling to understand just what the hell happened to you while you’re stuck in a state of shock. It helps to know you’re not alone and having this forum available has been a tremendous help. It’s sad there are so many of us but it restores faith in the human race that there are good decent people who understand. Onwards and upwards x

[HunkyDory]

Hi Kilngirl, your post make total sense to me. I’m looking forward to this Christmas too without the constant worry of it kicking off. I feel so free, happy being alone but I am pushing people away for fear of ending up with another T1! There’s a rather nice guy asking me out and I’m enjoying the attention but can’t help seeing (fabricating?) red flags everywhere. I can’t contemplate it.

I wish everyone in these situations could break free and live their lives peacefully and the way they want them to. A lot of people will be reflecting on their lives over the next week and for some it will be a sad and lonely time. Thank goodness for this place where we can vent to likeminded women.

All the best xx

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing that.

I met someone lovely recently and had an actual 2 way conversation. I was smiling about it afterwards and then he text about something funny that had just happened on the train and had left him fuming.

My smile vanished as I interpreted this to mean he had totally lost it in an embarrassing and over-the-top fashion in public in order to make everyone around him uncomfortable for the rest of the journey. If I was there my job would have been to make sure everything was perfect for the rest of the time or suffer another outburst.

I actually had to talk myself around to the fact that it was nice person telling me a funny story like normal people do. I have long way to go…. xx

[KIP.]

Isn’t it great to have a 2 way conversation and not get interrupted. Just to finish a sentence was a gift lol. Little things people take for granted. For someone to ask ‘how are you’. For a long time I thought what are they after? It takes a while to shift that brainwashing but it’s great when you finally rejoin the human race x

[Anonymous]

It’s great but it’s also terrifying. I’m so conscious of what I say about myself assuming it will be screamed back at me later. I swing from not giving a d**n – take me as you find me if you don’t like it tough – to second guessing my every action and word. But overall it’s great learning to be myself again xx

[Cecile]

This resonates with me. I love your initial post, Kilngirl, the Terminator image is spot on. I know so well the tense feeling when someone frowns or relates a negative experience, the build up of tension waiting for the hurricane of anger. Having to be on edge smoothing everything all the time. I have been on my own for some weeks on a solo “holiday”. I had felt numb but am beginning to experience some emotions. A bit of loneliness. I embrace it like a gift. Overall a I am in a peaceful vacuum of heavenly isolation. Someone came to visit and it was then a I noticed my odd reactions to their movements like you people describe in the posts above. Stretching past me when s/he was washing up and I froze, memories of being hurt by the oh as if by accident by him doing this many times. Freezing if the visitor frowned or seemed to find fault with me. Trying to find hidden dark meanings to everything.

It has given me a lot of insight into how he operated. Constantly cornering me physically, all the time, through “pretend” means. It was mind bending torture, and really hard to describe. So much more. When people smile at me I pause and double check their expression and wonder why they have smiled. I really do not want to go back. I can’t.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for sharing x
Christmas has brought a massive load of anxiety waiting for the inevitable attempts to contact. And they came with emails and third party phone calls which I will never answer. It all gets logged and filed away as evidence.
Good for you with your solo holiday. It’s hard but the distance helps.
You will never go back. Keep moving forward. The sick thing is that parts of me miss the attention – what the hell is that about. Reimagined the past and focusing on the short lived “good times”. But it passes and the freedom of movement around my home is the gift that keeps on giving. I know everything I knew about it was a lie.
I know it will stop when it finds someone else. I was that person. I just hope that they are stronger than I was and cuts it off early. They should teach about these monsters in school.
Much love

[Cecile]

I had a bad accident earlier in the year and the main injury recovered but I suffered really bad pain elsewhere. Physio argued I shouldnt have. I kept exercising to relieve it.by the time I got to my “holiday” venue I was in agony. Two weeks later I realise there is not a twinge. I haven’t even had to stretch or exercise.the cause was the tension of his behaviour upon my body. When I think of him my shoulders go up and harden and the pain returns. I have to return as the financial arrangements etc need finalising.

I am sleeping a lot better, have the house as warm as I want, sing, tell jokes to the pets in the house, spread all my stuff out as I want. I have frequent moments of thinking perhaps I have exaggerated it all, things were not that bad, and I feel so guilty to be away. So I have returned to the forum and my diary to stay in reality.

[Anonymous]

That’s so bizarre because I had constant shoulder pain. Physio didn’t help. And I’ve been free of it since I was free of T1. But this week it’s back – because T1 is trying to get back. I’ve lost so much weight people are asking how I did it. They do not want to know….

I lost 14st of psy*ho. And it was hard work…

[Anonymous]

The latest smear attempt is apparently to my work. Reporting me for negligence. Little does it know I filed a detailed report months ago about T1 and it’s harassment, abuse and what they can expect from it as my employers.
At this point I am thinking just bring it on, honestly just bring it. What’s the worst you can do? The worst thing would to be anywhere near it and no one can make that happen. When you are staring into the abyss of spending another second dealing with their cr*p it is really freeing. THAT is the worst thing that could happen to me or my family and it will never be so just shout at the moon you freak – I’m SO passed caring you have no idea.
Sorry about the rant. Xx

[KIP.]

Hey well done. My ex did the same. You can report him to the police for making malicious accusations. I got contacted by the fraud dept from the benefits office amongst others. As you say he has no evidence or substance and will dig a big hole for himself. Sad little people x

[Anonymous]

Idiot. Does it not think I would have prepared for this…honestly. Years of prep behind me. I just let others shine a light on it and it withers to nothing.

“I thought I’d miss you but I miss me more”

Thank you for posting xx

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else really struggling in this weird post Christmas limbo.
I’m realising the importance of routines to me and everything being “off” at the moment is messing me up.
I used to be an Olympic class sleeper. Being able to sleep anywhere at anytime – I’m guessing because I never knew when I would next be denied it due to all night verbal abuse or being locked out or whatever. But lately I manage about an hour max and then wide awake going over and over things.
I cant stand the silence that I loved to start with after escaping. And then I can’t stand to have music or the tv on because I think I hear someone in the house.
It’s such a shame as I used to love this time of year and now I just crave the monotony of a dull January. It’s still robbing me of so much in life. At least it’s is not getting the satisfaction of seeing me like this anymore.

[Author]

Posts