Thoughts on feeling stuck and how to be more independant…

[lionessinthedark]

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here and I am currently feeling very stuck again, so I thought I’ll share, probably just to vent and get my thoughts out of my head to be honest.

It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I left my abuser but I feel that he still has ways to manipulate and control me.

I am not able to work at the moment and due to both mental and physical health issues I am not sure how or when I will be able to do so again. Therefore I am dependent on his maintenance payments (that he luckily does pay). I wish so badly that I could get to a point again where I can work and not have to rely on his money any more. Because I have no family or a lot of friends around, I am depending on him looking after our child sometimes, because I just feel like I am so burnt out that I need these little moments to myself or I will completely break. Yet, I feel guilty for even sending my child to his Dad. If I could, I would live far away from my ex, to minimise the contact and impact he has on myself and our child. But, there is many reasons why moving is not an easy option, aside from being worried that he would not allow it and I would have to try the legal route. I love where I live, I struggle with change and I wouldn’t really know where to go. My family lives abroad and I think I would struggle to start over in a place where I would have to also find about out all the places where I can get support, how to apply for it etc.

How do you guys deal with feeling stuck and like you cannot improve your situation?

[Lisa]

Hi lionessinthedark,

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling stuck but glad you’ve reached out here for some support.

I can see how frustrating and upsetting it is that your abuser is still a presence in your and your child’s lives. Recovery can take time, you’ve made significant progress already from where you were and it’s really positive that you have these goals that you’d like to achieve.

I’m sure the other women on the forum will be along and share their experiences about dealing with these same feelings soon, but I wanted to say that you aren’t alone, it’s extremely common for abusers to carry on their control however they can and arrangements around children is one way they do this.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Lionessinthedark

I’m glad your apart, but yes, thats a tough one, and, as you say, may have to involve legal proceedings.

Maybe this time you have now is good to do the deliberations needed to start weighing things up and looking into what the options are for you? It doesn’t all have to happen at once, and he will have to pay what he owes in child support anyway, so your child will always have that providing he is bringing in an income of some sort.

You have time to consider what would be your best outcome. Whether that be the total moving away like you wished to and what that would involve, or the sticking around because you actually really like where you live.

Give yourself some time, as everything is reasonably settled for you both at the moment, but if your child is not wanting contact that would change your situation and considerations.

I hopeyou keep posting and it helps you work through some of these issues you face. You are not alone in this.

warmest wishes

ts

[Anonymous]

Firstly accept what you “can” do, I have a painful (detail removed by moderator) condition that takes all my energy away sometimes (so accepting is vital) there were times i wished I could do more and get so angry at myself furthering my pain and exacerbating the tiredness, don’t be afraid to ask for help, in a way you’ve already become independent by escaping abuse, I do sometimes feel stuck (I’ve recently got in touch with mental health charities and meet up with a group just for a chat and get together we have (detail removed by moderator)) I go when I can, I’ve also got in touch with a volunteer organisation more so right now to just meet up with people to get involved with things (not doing the volunteering yet) is there something you’ve always wanted to do or think you’d be good at or just like doing? maybe phone the council or c.a.b see if they can arrange for you to meet likeminded people with maybe similar disability or arrange trip with disability access ( I don’t know what disability you’ve got, it might get moderated) but things in the community might help you feeling stuck or just even doing something you enjoy at home can be a self esteem boost (when you feel you Can, don’t push yourself though) also google community support in your area see what they can do or advise 💟💕💟

[lionessinthedark]

Thanks for your responses @Lisa, @karmasister and @Auriel! Just being able to write with you about it is very helpful.

I have threatened once with a solicitor for a specific issue and it worked out well on that occasion. It took me a long time to work myself up to even speak to a solicitor though. I can’t really prove the things he did to me during our relationship, so am fairly certain that a court case would have to be well thought through, because I might end up with them granting him more access to our child than he has now. For moving I believe I would have to provide good reasons as to why I need to do so. I guess I should just speak to a solicitor to learn more about the details as to what I can and cannot do. And you’re right, it doesn’t mean I have to do anything straight away, but to weigh up my options. And you’re absolutely right that he technically would need to continue supporting our child financially, I am not sure why it scares me so much?

As to health wise, it’s been physical issues and having to fight for the right treatments with the NHS, endless waiting lists that have been draining me, aside from the actual issues I experience(d). I just feel burnt out from fighting on so many fronts for years and never getting a proper break to gather myself. A recent mental health diagnosis was a bit of a lightbulb moment why a lot of things have been difficult since I was a child but I am hoping that maybe through that I will find a community that will support me going forward. I guess I am scared to put too much hope into it, because in the past I’ve tried so hard to find ways to connect, be positive and finally get the support I need, that I don’t want to be disappointed again. It feels that if it doesn’t work out this time, I don’t know where else to look for help any more and that thought scares me.

Thanks so much for taking the time to listen!

[Author]

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