Thoughts please

[Gerbil]

Hi everyone
I could really do with some advice. I am sat here sobbing. It’s a bit difficult to describe the situation as it would be moderated.
I can feel the tension all the time and I know that my husband is at the top of the spiral ( I don’t know if I have described this well but hopefully you understand what I mean)…always shouting, blaming me for everything, constantly going on and on about completely irrelevant points/things that I have done to upset him.
I am away for a few days ( nothing nice) and I must have had forty texts with things I have not done or have done wrongly.
I really can’t cope with it anymore…if I don’t reply he will build up even further. I have tried replying saying let’s not discuss now like this.
Any help/advice would be really really appreciated.
Take care x

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Gerbil

Thinking of you, and knowing what a horrible situation this is. He’s doing it deliberately to cause upset even when you are not there. Sadly, the honest truth is you will never be able to stop it, because you cannot change him or make him act other than as the abuser that he is, so there is no miracle to make it stop.

You could, in order to appease him somewhat, reply that you are desperately upset and anxious because he keeps texting you, or you could also report this and start the wheels in motion to bringing about some change for the better in your life if you feel ready to remove him from your life in some way.

I’m sorry its not the cure you might have been seeking, but often telling them that you are upset or having a horrible time and just can’t wait to return home can be sufficient to appease them. Lies in a relationship such as this can be your best ally and help to keep you safe and under less pressure.

Lying was something I always thought was abhorrent, but when someone you love becomes your worst enemy the rules have changed and you have to do whatever you can to protect yourself and keep safe.

He’s looking for you to be suffering, alone, without him, so if he gets that, or thinks that you are this may calm things down. I do hope for your sake it works.

warmest wishes

ts

[tiredofitall]

I’m really sorry to hear how upset you are. I really relate and have been in tears and desperate to find a way to make him happy so many times.
Twisted Sister is right, the sad truth is that nothing we do will ever be enough because they are never looking for a resolution, they don’t want to understand and they only ever think about how THEY feel.
It’s a hard lesson to learn and it’s taken me many years to finally see that nothing I do will change things because I’m not the problem and he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong
I’m in the process of getting out now because that is the only thing I can change
Keep posting, everyone on here is so supportive x

[Alicenotichains]

Sending you lots of love and strength. I am so sad to think of you sobbing. It is so hard. What you are describing sounds horrendous.

I lived this life for many years. I had no idea I was being abused. I didn’t understand what was happening. It’s not you, it’s him. They ruin everything and they make you think that you have one choice which is to carry on living this miserable life- but actually that’s not true.
There is a whole world out there, peaceful and happy and free and you can be part of it again, please believe me. We all start off thinking we have met a nice guy and the sad reality is that that was all fake. Facing up to that fact is hard- because we hold onto hope and we want to be loved- even more so when you have been treated with such despicable cruelty. When the time comes (and every body has their final straw) leave him and build another life for yourself. Make sure you leave him safely because I know from first hand experience that telling them that you are leaving them face to face when you are alone in a house is an incredibly dangerous thing to do. So make sure you don’t let him know exactly what you are thinking. He is making you feel worthless- but you are far from worthless. You are amazing, stay strong and please trust that you have the power inside you to overcome this, even though you may not feel like it. XX

[Bananaboat]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. My advice from my experience is to say we’ll talk about this when I’m back or something else to hold him off, and ignore all future texts. He’s going to ‘punish’ you with silence when you return whether you reply or not, he won’t want to discuss anything sensibly and as others said nothing you do or say will be right, he’ll just find something else. The aim is to spoil your time away, to justify his inability to be alone and cope without you, to justify punishing you when you’re back. You can’t win, so don’t fight. I know that’s not easy in real life and he’s already in your head causing anxiety but knowing in your heart you’ve done nothing wrong helps xx

[Gerbil]

You have all given me such good advice..thank you. I feel less alone in all this now.
He gave me a break from it all for a few hours ( thank God) but has unfortunately started again with blaming, accusatory texts. I will use the strategies you have suggested.
I am also sorry that you TS, Tiredofitall,Alicenotinchains and BananaBoat have been through or are going through similar experiences. I had stupidly believed that I would have a few days respite from him and that horrible pit in my stomach feeling…but no such luck!
X*x

[Twisted Sister]

thank you, and you will learn to be self-protective by using whatever means you need to just to keep him at bay, but thats all you can do.

Under normal circumstances my advice would be to just ignore someone that does this, but when you are in an abusive situation this can make the danger to you suddenly escalate, because in my experience on of the worst things you can do to an abuser is ignore them, or worse still, laugh. Most women will know this to be true. Never laugh or ignore, appease and be upset, until you can get him removed from your life that you deserve to have, free of abuse.

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