Threatening to hurt himself

[phantasmagorical]

For the largest part of my relationship I’ve felt like I need to either downplay or hide when I’m hurt, upset, angry at something he’s done (or not done).

We had a big bust-up over a situation, and eventually he mentioned that he was toying with a knife and didn’t feel he could be alone because he was going to hurt himself.

I feel like situations I tried to resolve just got messier because he’d either misinterpret me (sometimes on purpose I believe, I’d go over things again and again so I was clear) or he’d redirect the focus of the conversation, and what ended up happening was he’d either elicit my sympathy or he’d attract attention some other way.

There’s been a couple of times his parents have intervened when he’s got like this, and I’ve received messages from his mum to say how his happiness is their priority and things like that. I always felt (and still do) that I was being a terrible person, like I was causing all of this.

When I felt like he was gaslighting me, I confronted him and he said he couldn’t fight my image of him anymore. So I feel like it’s all in my head, he’s just a misunderstood person and I’m thinking the worst or something.

That time he threatened to hurt himself I was so distressed, I ended up so angry and scared and told him I should be able to express myself without him threatening self-harm or suicide. I said it meant I have to be silent on everything he didn’t want to confront and that it wasn’t healthy.

Now I feel like there’s a pattern of this. When me and his friend caught him out on a lie he snapped and said he was feeling suicidal. I really don’t mean to devalue the severity of that, but it’s like the initial problem either needs to be forgiven or forgotten because of how he is. It was that night his friend’s mother came round to see him in a panic, and she was saying how he was such a good boy, and to forget those other people (me) that he was trying to “protect”. I remember just sitting there thinking, no, he’s not really a good boy at all for what he’s been doing. And then I feel bad for thinking that, and how I must be crazy, and just agree with them all.

[KIP.]

All he was doing was successfully diverting the attention away from his awful dysfunctional behaviour. So you’re no longer focussed on that. You’re all distracted by his new behaviour. It like a magic trick of distraction. Very calculated manipulation. So you’re now questioning your own behaviour. We just don’t think the way they do. They are to blame for their actions. No one else X

[phantasmagorical]

What you’re saying about it being a distraction, that’s just what it feels like. I just feel terrible for that, but something in me doesn’t feel convinced that he’s being genuine.

[Herindoors]

Hi Phantasmagrical. I just wanted to share my similar experiences with you as it might help with perspective.

My ex used to threaten to hurt himself as well;

Texting me at work saying he was going to kill himself if I didn’t come home.
Texting me when i was travelling for work (sometimes thousands of miles away) saying he was going to kill himself – knowing I couldn’t just get home.
Telling me if I left for a trip he would kill himself
I learnt to check social media because inveriably during this same short period of time he would have posted something normal on FB that showed he was actually OK. Or I would check with people around him to see how he appeared to them. I checked with MIND and then later a counsellor ended up seeing and they both said people who talk about it (almost always) don’t do it. People who really want to do it, do it quietly so they can’t be saved. Also (this took some convincing) that even if he did I was not respsonsbile for his actions.
I cancelled one business trip because of these threats but never did that again. I cancelled that trip because he was so distressed but as soon as he knew I was staying he was 100% fine in a blink of an eye – that doesn’t happen when someone is truly distressed.

Took a tie and shut himself in a room with coat hooks to hang himself.
I was so emotionally shut down by this point that I managed to stay calm. I quickly realised that logistics meant he would never actually be able to hurst himself in this scenario and I listened silently outside the room until he realised I was not reacting and he came out and carried on as if nothing had happened.

Would bang his head against the wall during a rant at me.
This was distrubing as you can imagine. What I found out later is that this is considered domestic violence against me, because it is used to threaten and intimidate.

Visit to the doctors
After his repeated suicide threats I managed to get him to a GP. When i told them what he had been saying the doc hit a private button and another doc suddenly appeared. My ex went very sheepish and said he was never serious. I left the room to have a private sob.

You are right – there is a pattern. Its exactly as you describe above, when you have some emotion you want to express, or you call them out on something or they feel they are losing too much control they start acting this way – to try and get back control.

Its a very difficult situation to deal with because I am sure you are a compassionate person so its hard not to be sympathetic when someone is that distressed. By the end I was disengaged from it, partly because I had shut down emotionally due to his treatment of me but partly because the boy kept crying wolf….make no mistake – this is about controlling you and not about him actually wanting to hurt himself.

Take care x*x

[phantasmagorical]

Thanks for sharing your experience; it definitely sounds like he was threatening suicide to restrict and control your movement and you.

I feel like in my case he’d bring up self-harm or suicide as a way of getting me to keep quiet. I don’t think he could handle when I pointed out his wrongdoing. When I railed against him that’s when he’d start involving other people, I think to back him up.

Today I was thinking about something he said his mum advised him, about how he needed taking care of or to take a break from the relationship. That was a couple of years ago now. I feel distraught at this, even now. I was trying so hard to be good for him, and good to him.

In less severe situations he’d just blank me until I started to panic, checking my phone all the time, not being able to sleep, being left on tenterhooks. Then I’d drop everything I was feeling because I was so afraid he was going to leave me??? It’s so mad, the circles you go round in your mind.

Several times I’ve called his house up speaking to his parents or siblings in tears, asking if he was around because I hadn’t heard from him and was worried.

[Nova]

..wanted to share, as HerinDoors has described the twisted lengths they will go through to maintain the abusive control. We don’t think the same on any level!
The ex, describes scenarios of his past, when I met him, how he’d tried to commit suicide over his awful ex (she was obviously abused by him, same pattern as I now find myself in) I thought, then how terrible, for him, believing his lies, as in reality they are just stories.

As in reality he is a weak, coward, it was total fabrication, blatant lies, now I know what a sicko he is. He could say whatever he liked, however he liked whenever he liked, and I would believe him, confused & emotionally abused until…I started asking questions, and as you say disbelieving and calling his bluff, but it was only heard and seen by ME!
So the isolation, exclusion secrecy, all controlled by him, set up the situation perfectly to maintain the abuse. Who would believe me?
Is it me? that’s what I used to think, like many women posting their experiences,
It has to be NC, but I still feel angry that he is getting away with the torture he out me though, it eats me up. I know slowly I will recover, and it’s better, for me, to acknowledge, him for who he Really is, not the made up version, the reality. Not Mr Nice, the opposite… A nasty control freak, an abuser & a vicious manipulative hater. The truth speaks volumes.

C X

[phantasmagorical]

The theme of suicide seems to crop up in most of his intimate relationships judging from what he’s told me. And now he’s the same with me.

I understand your anger. I think of how I’ve been since this all happened, in such a state that I had to be physically hauled out of bed and needing support to walk around because I’ve been too weak, and hearing about him returning to his studies after a few weeks, but I’m being led to believe he’s severely depressed. Of course I don’t doubt that and I appreciate people having ways of coping, but when I think of the mental energy required to study at his level, and I’m still struggling to read a book…it just baffles me.

The reality is twisted and distorted until your perception doesn’t seem trustworthy, only his. 🙁 xx

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