This topic contains 20 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Dolly2019 2 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #114834
     gettingtired 
    Participant

    Hello, has anyone here had any experience of their partner threatening to commit suicide?? I’ve had this multiple times in the past and I used to just think it was down to his depressed state/me not being supportive which he always accuses me of but now I’m starting to realise what’s going on I can see it’s maybe another of his emotionally abusive tactics… my concern is when do you know if it’s a serious threat or not? What do I do when he threatens me with this? He’s said all sorts before such as when he’s killed himself I’ll have to realise it was because of me or because I never helped.
    Does anyone know the rate in which these abusive men actually carry out their threats?! Feeling extremely stressed from it all and not sure what to do

  • #114837
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    My husband started doing this when our relationship started really deteriorating. He took one dramatic overdose, made big song and dance about it. Also involved mutual friends. calling them etc. I called 101 on several occasions for welfare checks but now I’m afraid I ignore it.Ive blocked his number but he still occasionally posts on social media and then I get messages from concerned friends. He was sectioned but no mental health diagnosis made, likely alcohol related. Even police told me that felt he was manipulative

    • #114838
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Thanks bettertimesahead, that’s understandable that you ignore it now after his behaviour. I’m still living my o/h and it’s concerning me that if this is how he is behaving when I havent even left yet then it’s going to get much worse once I do 😫 x

  • #114843
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    My husband was definitely manipulative behaviour. He kept saying this weekend will be my last etc yet in the same day (detail removed by moderator). It may get worse but you can do this. We will come out better

    • #114846
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Thanks bettertimesahead, I’ve realised I’m now entering the beginning of the end and need to start making plans. It’s that threat of suicide that is the ultimate weapon I dont know how to deal with. Last time it happened he had stormed off saying he was going to jump off a bridge etc, I called him to say do I need to call an ambulance but even then when he came back he was having a go at me saying even when he says he’s suicidal I dont care etc etc. Even if I had sent a search party out that would have been wrong. You simply cannot win x

  • #114844
     Confusedandanxious 
    Participant

    Yes my now ex partner has frequently done this. Even back (detail removed by moderator) I talked him down from a railway track as I wasn’t ready to have a baby at that time. More recently before we split there have been several other threats/attempts such as an overdose after (detail removed by moderator) and sending me a link to (detail removed by moderator) before turning his phone off. Since we have split there has been a couple of incidents which have also involved our son which tbh has confirmed my decision to leave. I dont want to say they won’t go through with it as it is the ultimate control tactic as you would never forgive yourself. I know I haven’t really given any advice but I know ho horrific it is when they do these things

    • #114847
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Thanks confusedandanxious, awful to hear what you had to go through. I know this is the thing.. I guess no one can say it’s all talk and they would never act on it and that is the problem. Just really dont understand what they get from this other than causing distress and panic for their partner. So draining 😔 x

  • #114848
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes it’s manipulation. Even if it’s not you’re not qualified to,help,him so I’d ring 999. It’s amazing how quickly they become unsuicidal when an ambulance arrives. Don’t allow this kind of manipulation to influence you. My ex used to,say he wouldn’t want to,live without me. Hey he’s doing fine, still drinking and making peoples life miserable. He’s not your responsibility x

    • #114849
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Thanks KIP, I thought you would clarify this. He’s called the police before and told them if they didn’t come he would jump off a cliff (he was calling them about an unrelated incident – nothing to do with me but other people) and i felt so uncomfortable/embarrassed because they then visted us and obviously had to give him the welfare talk/tell him to go to GP because of the suicide threat…. He didn’t call the GP about it.
      However, my worries of this are tied into his alcohol/drug abuse and he knows how worried I get in case he takes sleeping tablets after drinking after losing someone to accidental OD. Just trying to work out how to prepare myself for this to get much worse once I eventually leave x

    • #114873
       Dolly2019 
      Participant

      This made me laugh. You can guarantee that if an ambulance arrived they would sharpen up pretty quickly. They also “bounce back” with tremendous ease once they have new prey. My ex “felt he had nothing to live for” after his ex. Then he stumbles across my naive and unsuspecting carcass and hey ho, it’s rinse and repeat with me. They are a type.

  • #114851
     KIP. 
    Participant

    When you leave you go total Zero contact. He’s destroying your mental health and that’s not what a loving partner does. He knows how worried you get yet he simply doesn’t care. He’s happy for you to destroy your mental health over him . You are always second place to an addict but to an abuser it’s even worse.they deliberately hurt you.

    • #114854
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Yes I’ve realised I’m second place to that but the abuse is worse. The added problem is his mother is now aware of his drug/alcohol abuse but continues to give him money/financially support him and even dusted it off saying it’s not that bad when he confided in her after breaking down about how he thought he had permanently damaged his body. He’s been given the all clear now from the doctors too now so what’s the point in me trying to persuade him to stop. I don’t bother now. I am however tied up in loaning him money for this which she then pays me back eventually! I realise it’s a totally messed up situation and am so ashamed by it x

    • #114874
       Dolly2019 
      Participant

      @ KIP – you are so right. They know exactly what they are doing. They don’t scream and rant at everyone they know, nor do they do it full blown in public. They are very skilled at hiding the abuse and they really think they have you on the run.

      An interesting thing I read recently was that they use what they know about you against you. So they know you are kind, empathic, feel sorry for them. I.e.- not hard. Hard women tend not to suffer this kind of b******t lightly.

      It’s sobering reading. I hate to think I’m being mugged off by someone with the sheer, disgusting entitlement to think they can behave this way. Lundy Bancroft talks about the selfishness and entitlement of abusers.

      I’m trying more and more to tap into the disgust I feel at this conduct. That one human thinks they have, by divine right, some power over another and can abuse them because it suits them.

      NO.

      Who has the right to censure us? To make us shrivel and feel cowed?

      It makes me so angry to think of this entitlement. How dare they!

    • #114876
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Yes Dolly2019 I have learnt this the hard way. I now try to avoid telling him anything personal I can avoid such as if I’ve had a small argument with someone in my family or anything really as it just gets thrown back in my face as ammunition to prove how ‘selfish’ I am! The Lundy Bancroft is helping me but I’m still confused as to how they behave this way without diagnosis of being actual ‘psychopaths’ with no empathy etc 🤔 x

  • #114853
     Bettertimesahead 
    Participant

    My husband has involved my older kids too, which proves to me my decision to divorce is definitely the right one. I sarcastic texts saying thanks for calling police and he refused to engage with local alcohol services because they too called police.

    • #114855
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Yes your decision is absolutely the right one. Awful to think these men involve their own children in this mess. I guess the refusal to engage with any support shows they aren’t willing to change x

  • #114858
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Sounds like he’s using his own mother too. That’s what you’ve got to look forward to in old age. Try to work on your own freedom. Don’t let him drag you down too x

  • #114872
     Dolly2019 
    Participant

    Yes my abuser does this regularly. I know he also did it to his ex so often that when he said to her “I just want to kill myself and (detail removed by moderator)” she said “I wish you would”. He called her evil but she had (detail removed by moderator) of it. I’m sick of his threats after (detail removed by moderator). Especially when it’s followed up with laughter and a completely different mood 20 minutes later. It’s a control tactic. They just want to keep you in the loop. Don’t fall for it. X

    • #114875
       gettingtired 
      Participant

      Hi Dolly2019, it’s awful isn’t it. It can go from him threatening suicide, laughing at me, shouting insults, kicking/throwing things to him then telling me it was because of blah blah (some small, ridiculous excuse). Still trying to get my head around it how someone who wouldn’t be medically classed as a psychopath could behave this way x

  • #114877
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Don’t try to label him unless the label is abuser. He may have psychopathic and narcissistic traits but he can control himself when there are witnesses so he knows exactly what he’s doing and is in perfect control x

    • #114882
       Dolly2019 
      Participant

      I agree with Kip. They know what they are doing. They are master actors who can charm anyone and make people believe you are the problem. It is hateful.

      What is worse is the way they use things against you. You tell them things and immediately it is thrown back in your face like you are the biggest f*****t walking.

      Why do we disclose our lives to these b******s? Why do we keep thinking ‘this time’ they will prove us wrong?

      They hurt us, on purpose. They try to hurt us, on purpose.

      That’s not love. It’s deeply selfish, spiteful, 5 year old behaviour. Even my son has greater empathy and awareness of right and wrong and did so at 12 months. Something goes seriously wrong in their wiring within the first 3 years of their life.

      Ask any of them and you will find a traumatic event, abandonment by a parent or some kind of neglect in the early years.

      Guaranteed.

      Suicide my arse. Yawn.

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