Threats to harm himself

[gettingtired]

I’ll try not to give too many details but recently he grabbed something and threatened to harm himself with it in front of me. The threats of suicide have happened plenty of times before but he’s not ever threatened to self-harm with something in front of me before.
If I was to tell a professional like a therapist, would they have to report him to the police? Thank you x

[KIP.]

A professional has a duty of care to you and if she feels you’re in immediate danger then she would have to report him however he’s threatening to harm himself so that’s not you who is in danger unless they know the whole story. This is his abuse escalating. My ex made veiled threats about not wanting to live without me. That could mean he would take me with him so these threats should be taken seriously but behind them I believe is his reinforcement of control over you.

[gettingtired]

I don’t believe he would actually harm with me with a weapon, probably because he would absolutely not want to go to prison (what a sad reason!). He has said before how terrible prison must be and spoke about(detail removed by moderator). I think he views himself above those types of men because he generally plays the charasmatic, great guy in public whereas some abusers are known criminals to outsiders and maybe don’t care about their crimes being known. Whereas he plays up to this fake sense of self for others to see and looks down on men who are physically violent (even though he’s been physical towards me). Lundy Bancroft talks in his book about how some abusers view themselves above other abusers who use different tactics to them.
Although it was bad I didn’t feel afraid of him using it on me. To a normal person I’m sure it would be very traumatic but I guess I’m used to that sort of chaos. I think you’re right it’s him reinforcing the control he has over me x

[KIP.]

You should have been petrified but you’re beyond that and that’s how women get killed. You’re minimising the danger x he talk abou not wanting to go to prison again using guilt. So you won’t report him.

[gettingtired]

That’s true, I think it’s possible I’ve been very naive to how much he probably does use guilt to control me x

[ISOPeace]

It’s not naivety, it’s brainwashing. If it was easy to see what he does he wouldn’t get away with it.

Wow, KIP’s comment saying you should have been petrified made me think. What a great way to show how we minimise abuse. I expect you were petrified but you are so used to ignoring the feeling because of his reactions or having it invalidated that it doesn’t register any more. The feeling probably finds different ways to come out, like anxiety, worry etc. There’s no end to how they mess with our minds.

My guess is that he can sense you detaching and so he’s trying something new. It must be horrible but it’s also a sign that you’re getting stronger. My ex stepped things up as I became more attached. It was pretty awful but it probably helped me get out in the end. xxxx

[littledove]

I feel like if anyone has a dangerous item in front of you and is using it in a threatening way then it should be taken seriously. Because he could easily turn around and harm you whilst he’s in a state like that.

He won’t be serious about harming himself. It’s just coercive control and a common abuser tactic.

[gettingtired]

I agree but I genuinely don’t think he would want to seriously harm me through fear of him going to prison! He’s not a typical, hardened criminal type of man (not to say that only those types of men are incarcerated) but he probably knows he wouldn’t survive in there. It’s a sad reason for me to think that’s why he wouldn’t seriously harm me I guess. Having said that I can’t say I fully trust him anyway, I just don’t think he would do anything that serious for that reason.
As much as I know the self harm and suicide threats are probably nonsense it’s still worrying because he has drink,/drug issues which makes me feel bad x

[littledove]

Abusive men usually aren’t your typical looking criminals, that’s why they’re so hard to spot at the beginning.

We have no idea what these men are capable of. All the women who have died at the hands of these men probably thought the same as you. Just please don’t underestimate what they’re capable of…
If he uses a dangerous object in any sort of threatening way again (whether toward him or you), I would phone the police for your own safety

I never thought my ex could have ever laid a finger on me. I was wrong. Now I just always have it in mind I really don’t know what he could be capable of.

You should not feel guilty for his choices. He has theses issues and they’re not your burden to bear, or take on your shoulders. Also drugs and alcohol are other excuses abusers use as way of trying to justify their behaviours (it’s never EVER justifiable).

[gettingtired]

Thank you littledove, that’s very true x

[Bettertimesahead]

My ex took an overdose very dramatically in front of me. I ignored him and went to bed. I knew he’d (detail removed by moderator) which he did. Threatened suicide several times since but still around to cause issues. All very dramatic. I’m not with him now but he’s still playing the victim on social media and to anyone that will listen. He is choosing that , it’s not my fault, and your exs behaviour is his choice.

[gettingtired]

Thank you, I’m afraid I’ve got to the point where his suicide threats mean nothing but part of me does still worry slightly what would happen when I leave him x

[KIP.]

It’s not just suicide threats he’s making by showing you a knife and behaving in a threatening manner. It’s control and fear. He probably knows the threats of suicide don’t work anymore so he’s introduced a weapon. If you’re concerned when you leave then report his threats of suicide to his family and NHS and let them deal with him. I bet he changes when an ambulance arrives to take him away.

[soxy]

I agree with kip – let the NHS/GP/family know and let them deal with it. If you get a call threatening they are about to do something then 999 and report it. Let the authorities deal with it, he isn’t banking on you doing that. Mine will make those threats from time to time, last time I asked if he actually had a plan because if he did I would have to make some calls (it was safe for me to say at the time). But people who sadly resort to taking their own lives, don’t blab about it or use it as a threat – they just go and do it. It is emotional blackmail and another way to keep you stuck. It is so easy to just become immune to the threats, I think because sometimes you just wish they would get on with it. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and/or think, but it’s how it’s affected me.

Also as has been said domestic abusers don’t often look the type (whatever society has them portrayed as). But if they see red, then who knows what they are capable of. Please keep yourself as safe as you can xx

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