Time to leave but can’t

[Mummyofboys]

Hi I’m new to the forum I’ve been with my partner for a long time I also have children. I really want to leave my relationship is abusive in all ways sexual physical violence emotional and financial. My partner take drugs on occasions which turns him paranoid and violent but is also the same without but worse when on them. He cheats on me non stop and has had a baby with someone when he had a affair. I’ve tried to leave (detail removed by moderator) times it never works he finds me or he turns nice and I fall for it like a idiot. I have begged him to leave me and we stay civil but he refuses and threaten me. I’ve called the police before when he really hurt me one night and they treated me like dirt so did the ss so In my head I’m not going down that route again. I’m thinking of taking myself and my kids to a refuge I just don’t know how I do it. I can’t keep living like this it makes me feel suicidal because I hate degrading myself and my children seeing me like this. I know I can do this but I have no one to talk to which makes me just accept the abuse. Thanks for reading x

[Lottieblue]

Hello @Mummyofboys and welcome to the forum. You’ve come to the right place and everyone here will do everything they can to support you. Everyone understands what you’re going through.

The most important thing is for you to make contact with Women’s Aid, as they will be able to help you make a plan to get out and, most importantly, stay out. You’ve shown real strength and determination already, by leaving, but it sounds as if your support network let you down. Women’s Aid will help you cover all bases and keep you safe, too.

Keep coming back here. There are so many very wise women who will give you very sound advice. Have faith. It will all be ok. We’ve got your back and we will do everything we can to help.

Huge hugs. LB x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hey beautiful, welcome to the forum and we’ll done for reaching out. I was sad to read your post, that he is hurting you and treating you so badly.
Have you been in touch with your local Womans Aid? Also, I emailed my local CAB who really helped signpost me and stopped me feeling so alone.
Keep posting ❤❤ we are here for you

[Mummyofboys]

Hi ladies thank you so much for your kind words they mean everything to me. I’ve not got in touch with them no I’ve always been to nervous or thought I’m not making the right choice then I think what do I actually say?. It sounds like they are helpful so I will do it when safe to. Do they help you with finding a refuge I have no support network to take me in I have a lovely mum but I’ve never been honest about what I’m going through plus she only has (detail removed by moderator). X

[KIP.]

Women’s aid can help you with lots of advice. Have you thought of a non molestation order to keep him away or an occupation order to have him removed from the home. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline for a chat about your options x

[Mummyofboys]

Yeah the molestation order I did try to set up but never fully went through with it. It’s not an option to stay in this property unfortunately as much as I love my home.I’ve kicked him out before and my windows get put through stalking harassment threats I get it all. It’s just too scary to keep putting my kids through it. Thank you for your advice and comments from all of you It’s really helped me on how to take the next steps. X

[Kitkat44]

Hello @mummyofboys,
You have done a huge brave thing by reaching out. The ladies on the National domestic abuse line are so so lovely, if you can start by saying you need help, they will take it from there and can give you lots of support and advice.
And keep posting here, it’s a wonderful place safe place to feel less alone
Sending love xx

[Mummyofboys]

Thank you for your lovely word I definitely feel more support than I have ever felt before x

[Hereforhelp]

Keep posting Mummyofboys ❤
So many women on here have been where you are and have so much helpful advice, you can get through this sweetie. Awesome you have reached out and you should feel proud of yourself as it is brave xx

[Sunshineandsea]

Hi I’m new here ,
I feel ashamed to admit that I’m in an abusive relationship. But scared to leave .
Anyone else feel the same ?

[Kitkat44]

Hi sunshineandsea
Welcome,I most definitely can relate to feeling scared to leave. I managed a short getaway quite a while ago then almost left recently but made the mistake of trying to explain why to him and he bullied and cajoled me into staying.
Keep reading and posting and I found making that first contact with my local DA charity and the National domestic abuse helpline helped me feel less ashamed and alone. Well done for reaching out here.
Sending love xx

[Lottieblue]

Hello @sunshineandsea,
I think the majority of the women on this forum have felt like this at some time or other. You have definitely come to the right place, as you will get lots of support and understanding here.
If, at any point, you would like to start your own thread, just go to the “boards” and pick which one you would like to post on. Scroll to the bottom of all the topics on that board and you will find the option to start a new topic – you need to be signed in.
The advice on this particular thread that you have come to, is also good advice for you. Make contact with Womens Aid or the National Abuse hotline as soon as you are able.
And keep coming back here! There are so many kind and wise people here to support you, and so very many who feel exactly the same.
The most important thing is for you to stay safe….
💕💕💕

[Mummyofboys]

Hope you find the strength like I do. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you ever want to talk you can message me as I’m going through the same thing x

[Wants To Help]

Hi mummyofboys,

I read your post before some of the information has been removed, therefore, I read that your partner has encouraged you to take part in something illegal which he appears to now be using against you as a threat not to call the police because he will expose you for this. Many abusers will coerce their partner in to activities that they can use as a blackmail tool over then. Pornographic images are a prime example of this that they will then threaten to send to family members, employers etc. Using these threats is all part of their coercive control of you and a weapon so that you fear reaching out for help or leaving them because of what they know about you. This comes under the ‘Degradation’ part of the coercive controller, and it is interesting that you have used the word degrading yourself – that is exactly what his intention is – to dehumanise you to the point that you no longer recognise yourself that you have any worth as a human being. I am so pleased to see that you have understood this yourself, but please do not feel that you are degrading yourself, it is him that is doing this to you.
Whatever anyone has done, whether they are embarrassed or ashamed of it, they do not deserve to be abused. This does not prevent them from seeking help and it should not be held against them in any way. Everyone deserves to live a life free from abuse.

I’m sorry your experiences with the police and social services was not good. I do think the experiences depend on the individuals you get, some are far more knowledgeable about domestic abuse than others.

From what you have described, it is certainly better that you leave the house with your children and go to somewhere that he does not know. No amount of bail conditions, restraining orders or non mol orders will help you if your partner, or people on his behalf will still come round and terrorise you by smashing windows at the property. A refuge really is the safest and best option for you and your children and they will then help you find somewhere else to stay. Moving away to another town and trying to get a No Contact order for the children will be your safest option. Do you think you could do that?

If so, you need to call Women’s Aid or Refuge and explain your situation, tell them how many children you have and they will search nationally to see where there is availability that can take you all. That is your first step, just make a phone call and see if there is somewhere that can take you today or tomorrow. You still have the final choice of whether to go or not, but sometimes, just knowing that we have options can give us some peace of mind.

Keep posting, we are all here to help you without judgement.

xx

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