Tips for not going back!!

[Beenherebefore]

Hi ladies

I hope you are safe and well.
As I have mentioned before I have had to continue to work with my ex since our split. Some days it’s easy. Other days it’s really hard especially when he is being charming etc. Has anyone got any advice on how I can convince myself this is a bad idea? This is such a strange thing to ask as the irony is, I know it’s a bad idea!! But my heart won’t stop besting and my mind keeps wandering and I just need something to get me back on the straight and narrow. I keep going for jobs and not getting them.
Has anyone got anything u could try?

[Beenherebefore]

I mean anything I could try, sorry!

[KIP.]

Write down every abusive thing he has done to you right from the beginning and write down how that made you feel.
Picture the nastiest most vile person you know after him, with me it’s my brother in law and picture his face on your ex. You see your ex doesn’t really exist as the nice person you see him as. Underneath is the real vile nasty self serving person. Ask yourself what you would really achieve by re engaging? I think it’s the trauma bonding you feel, so read up on that too. Hang in there and keep making the effort to get away from him.

[Prettyflowers]

I am in the exact same position. It’s so hard to just not go running back. I personally just remind myself of how I felt when I was with him and how down I was, and although I’m not in the best of places at the moment I’m in a much better place than I was when I was with him half the time. If you keep on going back you are never giving yourself a chance of true happiness

[Serenity]

I read something pretty hard-hitting.

It said that whilst you are with your abuser, you are being slowly destroyed, or being your true self is on hold.

It’s only after escaping their clutches that you can be healthy, well and can be your true self.

However hard it is to go no contact, and though you need support to not get drawn back in and to believe his gaslighting, keep going.

What kind of life is it to not be happy and well or to be who you were meant to be.

This is what I kept telling myself. I kept thinking, I don’t want to leave this life having never felt free or at peace, or having been the person I wanted to be. Looking at the bigger picture helped.

[Confused123]

write a chart of the positive and negative things about him and what u miss and what u dont, this was a big eye opener for me. then ask yourself why would u want to be with someone who hurts u

[Beenherebefore]

Thank you all for your comments.

KIP- Great idea. I did have a list somewhere when I left but I think it’s time to revisit it. I have forgotten in the past of some of the terrible things he had done, blocked them out maybe (is that normal?) then when I go back to read them I am horrified. I haven’t done this in a while, I think its because I don’t want to remind myself of the reality and that he is not the man I keep building him up to be. But I must. The sensible, logical part of my brain knows I want a healthy, happy and free life and I cannot have this with him so I think you’re right, face facts and the reality of what he is. Thank you. I will check out trauma bonding too.

Prettyflowers- I think because I’m not in the best place at the moment this hasn’t helped but you’re so right, I’m far better off now and want to have a positive life. It’s so hard isnt it though!! When I picture myself with him before it is a dark dreary scene(the colour of my memories is almost black and white) with me cowered in a corner and when I compare it to now, my life is full of colour and sounds. I cant understand what is making me want to return – perhaps as KIP said it is the trauma bonding. I take inspiration from the fact you too are staying strong despite the urge to return, we can do this!

Serenity- Thank you. You gave me some very supportive words a long time ago when I was getting out and you’re right, freedom and peace is what I really want in life. Will look into gaslighting too as I have never been entirely sure of what it is.

Confused123- I think thats the biggest confusion for me (why I would want to be with someone who hurts me . I know he is easily able to and not one happy day wasnt tainted with a snide remark or making up for a highly traumatic episode so I dont get why I would want to go back. Will chart the lists of positives and negatives to help, thank you.

Thank you ladies, I am truly grateful as always. I wouldn’t be sat here living my life like this without your support x x

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