Tired and numb. Living with the emotional abuser

[Remaininghopeful]

Living with a covert n********t and knowing no one will believe me. He is so charming in front of other people.

[Helphelphelp]

I know where your coming from 100% and it’s like a world of weirdness that you can’t even explain because your brain can’t twist stuff as theirs can. And there are no bruises to show your mind has been scrambled. You don’t know who’s right? You or everyone who loves them. He is quite soft easy going. You a bit more out there so if one of you were the instigator no doubt they’d all think it was you? You say if somethings upset you but end up feeling bad because you got it wrong or you went over the top about it, your a victim and it’s always all about you!! He can say vile stuff but if you retaliate he is shocked you can dare be so nasty? Hmmm I know n I’m here for a chat ok xx

[Popular12]

Hi I am just learning that I am living with one of these and you have all highlighted all the issues it’s horrifying . I’m still in denial at times. I’m still in disbelief I don’t know what to believe from him anymore or what’s genuine . Friends will sometimes see things from his perspective which sends me backwards again but others with the knowledge will point it out,name what is happening . Iv been looking back at things in the past now seeing things differently and I now feel I have two different husbands !
Totally empathise . Has anyone else felt this ?

[ISOPeace]

Hi, I used to think I had 2 different husbands and that made it so hard to let go of the “good” one. But now I see that there was always only one. The “good” one was still motivated by his need to control me and his manipulative skills convinced me that it was genuine love. It might feel like they genuinely love us and that they are being loving like non-abusive people, but there is always the undercurrent of his belief that he has the right to force us to do what he wants. All the ‘loving’ things are done on his terms and aren’t given freely. It might take a while to show up, but they do think their ‘niceness’ has to be repaid.

I thought things were getting better with my ex while he was having therapy and got less and less abusive. I thought he went for long periods of time without being abusive. Yes the big blow ups were absent for a long time, but looking back, he still had the power if he wanted to use it. We got married, had kids, then it seemed like he turned into the ‘bad’ version of him again and I was shell shocked. But it was always there, ready to come out when it suited him.

Btw I just wrote a long reply to nbumblebee about the context of a relationship making a huge difference when looking at their behaviour (here if you’re interested https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/forums/topic/doubt-knowledge-and-love/). Like you say, people who don’t understand abuse see things differently. Unfortunately they are likely to give well meaning but terrible advice. xxxx

[Nova]

That’s really tough as they seem all lovely to everyone. My horrible ex was exactly that! Took me years to figure him out…I had to leave & go no contact. I know that’s a huge decision & has to be absolutely safe & supported by professionals. It’s not an easy choice to make as they play constant mind games …so you have no idea what’s actually going on…he’s manipulative & controlling that’s abuse, it all goes on & ppl you know wonder …really who is she talking about, seems so nice etc!

We all know about that & are here to support each other!

Any time chat 🙂 Nova

[ladiesand gentlemen]

My partner is exactly the same !!!!
Charming,friendly,helpful,etc etc etc outside, especially to the neighbours, people in shops etc.
They are so vile to us, its SO hard to get your head around, when you do its a great relief.
Stay Safe ladies x*x

[nbumblebee]

Yep same here even my mum thinks the sun shines ohtta his backside. If only they knew right?
Sending you all lots love x

[EndlessVictim]

This is exactly what I’m experiencing, in private with me he is constantly critical and he has also been trying to convince me I have a personality disorder. Everyone thinks he’s the loveliest guy, even a family member of mine (detail removed by moderator) 😔 I have moved to be with him and have no support. He is surrounded by people saying he’s amazing. What the hell do I do with that. I have a friend saying report him to the police for coercive control but they would laugh at me. He twists everything, I’ve never been so confused in all my life. I just want to escape but it is impossible! Why are there so many of them?

[Runningfree]

Hi ladies . I’m in a similar position . My OH is seen as a lovely man, no one has ever seen him slamming a door in my face or tellin me to f@@k off !
I’ve just been for my (detail removed by moderator) therapy session to see if I can work with this out in my head.
I’ve had (detail removed by moderator) days of the silent treatment, been told that (detail removed by moderator), which happened to be about (detail removed by moderator) before I headed out the door !
A big blow up (detail removed by moderator)  about my selfish behaviour, mine again .
He’s not a bad man and has lots of positive traits , he doesn’t stop me going out , told him I was at a friends (detail removed by moderator) (lie) and I I am (detail removed by moderator) finances but I tread on eggshells a lot of the time and him working from home has made it worse.
Therapist has said that I need to think about what I want long term . It’s really hard to say what YOU want when you are so used to reacting to someone else’s moods .

[Author]

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