Tired of everything

[Sadandmixedup]

It’s been (detail removed by Moderator) now since we split suddenly due to an incident to which the police were called. Social workers are involved as the children were present and witnessed me being pushed and pulled about. We have had zero contact since as bail conditions and non mol in place. Children are coping really well. They were very worried in the beginning but now they are starting to miss him. I feel like a bit of a fraud being here although people keep telling me I’ve def experienced abuse it’s hard to accept that. During the course of an almost (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship arguments could never just be normal where two people disagree talk sort it out move on it would lead tondays of huffing and escalating messages and eventually threats to leave and move out. Sometimes things in the house for smashed and broken and again instead of apologising and sorting it out I’d have eventually smoothed things over to stop the argument. He never said anything about me physically or hurt fully ever but maybe would have said things like we need to go out more spend kore time as a couple focus on each other and it would have been turned that these were this issues and not his behaviour. He couldn’t take any criticism even something simple like asking for help around the house could have led to a week long row. The only boy physical abuse was the night he was arrested and it was pulling and pushing me sitting on me with hands on my throat threatening to punch and kill me all in all it was prob (detail removed by Moderator) mins all in. I know because of our children they can never witness anything like that ever again. He has been very up and down. Blaming stress and a breakdown for tha last episode and willing to wait as long as it takes and to do whatever it takes to change one minute then cross and it’s over the next. Thing is I keep thinking that can he change could the scaryness of what happened make him realise he could never do this to us again? Could we make it work if a year or so down the line he was still there waiting and had proved himself to be patient and kind and consistent and hadn’t ever tried to manipulate or lose his temper or push fornthings his way could we make it work? Life wasn’t all bad I fact 95% of times it was really good.can people change? He could be quite immature and was very spoilt by his parents so not used to other people attending his every whim. After I got out that night he did threaten and attempt suicide which had happened at other times when things had gotten a bit far. Also after neighbours for the kids for me he did set fire to (detail removed by Moderator) in our (detail removed by Moderator). Which the neighbours all managed to drag out to prevent damage to our home. His parents haven’t been supportive they do the see it as abuse they see their son having a breakdown and being seriously ill sad and lonely and desperate to do anything to get his family back. I feel so lonely and confused. I won’t put my children In danger he cannot come back now due to sw work anyway but is there ever any hope?

[Anabela]

It is probably easier to advise another person than to use this advise myself, but the final assault sounds horrible to me. He had his hands over your throat, he said he would kill you. I can imagine such thought might have crossed your might during this incident what if this is it. Can you really really trust him that he will not do it again? Can you really be brave to express your opinions after this, just in case he does go violent like that again? Can you forgive him? Can you risk your children witnessing this again? The police was involved, he has bail conditions. He might be sorry for the time being, but I bet he is feeling sorry for himself more: it is not nice to get involved with police and to have such record.
Every situation is different but to me those abusers seem almost identical… After the incident when my partner got very violent, had his hands over my throat, said he would kill me and I did believe him and the police was involved oh how sorry he was. He looked suicidal (still alive though). He said he can’t live with himself of how he treated me. he looked so genuine…. I felt sorry for him. A few months later: my fault that he can’t get a job with a possible conviction. my fault I am insecure and still scared of him. I should move on and focus on the future. And funny enough as soon as I dropped the charges very intimidating verbal arguments have started… And name calling….
If you haven’t read a book: Why does he do that, I offer you to read. there is a section on if he can change, and the writer does not sound optimistic as genuine change requires much more than saying sorry.

[Sadandmixedup]

Thank you form replying. It’s so hard cause my head tells me 1 thing and my heart another. In the beginning I was so determined I deserved better and would never take him back I was terrified and sick to my stomach with worry but as time goes on more and more I’m remembering the good times and just thinking if he could prove to me he’s changed we could give it another go! If he was still here waiting and trying to prove himself in a year to 18 months with no adverse incidents then surely he would deserve a second chance but realistically I don’t think he’ll be able to wait it out that long if it’s not now or soon then he’ll through a fit and walk away and I know if he does that then that’s my answer it has to be on my terms in my time or not at all. I know for my children’s sake I couldn’t put them at risk ever again! It’s iust so hard for it to be final!

[Author]

Posts