Tired of never ending divorce

[Kazz]

Hi I,m New to the forum. I have been with a man who is very controlling for (removed by moderator) years married for (removed by moderator) of them. Over the years he has got more and more controlling even though I have a well paid job and a rental property he has kept all my money from the start and given me an allowance to live off. If I need anything that costs more than the allowance I have to ask him for permission and he transfers moneh to me if he thinks I should have it. He use to take my car anytime he went out even though he had his own so I couldn’t go anywhere. He works for the (removed by moderator) service and has looked at my (removed by moderator) without my permission. We have a joint account for shopping and petrol but I have to make a note of anything I spend on a piece of paper and give him copies of my bank statements. I have (removed by moderator) children under (removed by moderator) and now I have finally found the courage to divorce him he has decided to use them to get me back. We did go to marriage councilling but after meeting him the Relate councillor refused to see him again until he changed his attitude but was happy to see me as often as I needed but I couldn’t afford it even though I earn enough on paper I still don’t get to keep it. I filed for divorce nearly (removed by moderator) ago and because he won’t respond and keeps delaying things it’s still ongoing next court day is (removed by moderator)! He refuses to move out of the house so you can only imagine what a hell my life is especially with lockdown! My solicitor advices my to stay put. My oldest son barely speaks to me anymore he just literally follows his dad around the house if I walk in a room he walks out. He feels embarrassed to be seen with me outside. The (removed by moderator) was sobbing uncontrollably last week said his dad is nice to him when he is alone with him but if he spends time with me he starts being mean to him. My children are my whole world I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart . I couldn’t have been a better mum I do everything for them I have been treated as a house maid even though I worked full time my husband did absolutely nothing in the house. All of sudden he’s started cooking or washing up every so often I assume it’s so he can say he does something of value in court other than playing video games and watching films all day with the kids. I’m frightened that the courts might not see him for what he really is everybody thinks he’s so nice and it’s me that’s mad. I’ve tried to be fair with childcare arrangements (50/50) when we finally get the finance sorted (apparently you have to do that first before childcare so will that take another 2 years?) But he is insisting he will see his kids everyday after the divorce and if I want to spend a weekend with them I can ask his permission ! It just never stops he is being unreasonable about everything and I am getting into more and more debt paying my solicitor because everything is in his name and I am too scared to stop giving him my money until I get away from him! He is even trying to keep the marital home, I just spend most of my time in the bedroom alone after doing all the chores. Has anyone been through this process? What is the likelyhood of him taking my home and children?

[Wants To Help]

Hi Kazz,

Sometimes, in my experience, solicitors advise to stay at the marital home in order to get a an order that the mother remains in the marital home with the children once the divorce is finalised. If you were to leave, it will be hard to reverse that and get an agreement that you return to the family home and he leaves. Not all solicitors (and other professionals) are really switched on when it comes to Domestic Abuse, especially Coercive and Controlling Behaviour. That has only been recognised as a criminal offence in the UK since the end of 2015. From the details you describe, you are being subjected to C&C Behaviour, particularly with regards to ‘Isolation’ with him restricting your movements by controlling when you can and can’t have your car and how much money you are allowed, particularly when it is yours that you have earned.

So depending on how important the family home is compared to your physical and mental health and the well being of your children, you need to explore other options available to you.

Start with some research and look up Coercive and Controlling Behaviour and the fear you have if you stand up to him. What will he do? What violence has he used in the past, or what behaviours has he shown that you would fear you would be harmed if you tried to take control of your own finances for instance?

If you want to leave imminently, you could call Refuge or your local Domestic Abuse Service (Google them for your area to get a phone number) and see if they have a place for you to go to. However, depending how old your boys are they may not be allowed to go to as they don’t seem to take boys in over a certain age.

You also have the option of reporting him to the Police. Depending on the evidence you give them, they may be able to arrest him straight away and deal with the criminal offences. The Police will look at the process of seeking a charge for him to go to court, and can therefore put bail conditions in place to keep him away from you and the house, or apply for a Domestic Violence Protection Order to keep him away from you and the house for 28 days so you can seek further advice for your options.

With regards to him accessing your medical records, you could contact the Information Compliance / Data Protection Department of his employers and ask them to look in to your concerns. All computer data has an audit trail and there will be a digital footprint of every record he has looked at. If he has been logged in under his own user log in and looked up your details and has no legal reason to do so then he has breached Data Protection and an internal process can be commenced for disciplinary matters. If he’s asked a colleague to do so that will be harder to prove. However, this could trigger the possibility of dismissal, and if he was to lose his job and his income then this may impact on his abuse/violence towards you as he’d blame you for this (abusers never take responsibility for the consequences of their actions, it’s always our fault!), so only you can make this call.

Whatever you do, you need to get a Contact Order in place for the children that will set down the rules for who has them and when. Without that in place, your husband will continue to abuse and dictate when he has them. Based on your history, 50/50 contact may not be in the best interests of the children. 50/50 contact is fine when couples separate quite harmoniously, but when domestic abuse is the reason for a separation it is not a good idea.

Do some research, speak to a DA Support Worker, get educated, knowledge is power. You DO NOT have to live like this waiting for the divorce if you do not want to live like this. A solicitor should not be suggesting you stay in a domestic abuse situation, are they fully aware of how bad this is?

[Rubymurray]

why is 50/50 contact not advised or good in these situations?

thanks

[Kazz]

Thanks so much for all your advice it has been really helpful I feel like the solicitor is only interested in what assets we have (I listened to a pod cast that said judges aren’t interested in the state of your relationship when it comes to finances they just want a fair distribution of the assets which is probably why the solicitor is like that) but all I’m interested in is my kids.
If I don’t keep the marital home I’m afraid they won’t want to come with me to a new home when he’s turned them against me so much. If I don’t cook for my husband my son asks why I haven’t cooked for his dad or he won’t eat himself and try’s to make me feel like I’m a bad person being cruel to his father.
He has never physically harmed me but when I said I was going to stop giving him my money he went crazy (he has a bad temper so I generally just stay quite unless spoken too constantly walking on egg shells). He started calling me names, said he’s going to tell the children I have broke their home up and it’s my fault they can’t stay in their home and then proceeded to tell me how he’s going to tell all my friends and family I’m a s**g???? My mum’s old she doesn’t need him speaking about her daughter like that. As a result I just thought it’s easier to carry on paying him till this ends but it seems to be never ending. As for the 50)50 custody as far as I am concerned the less time they spend with someone so controlling the better. But a) they
adore him and they will hate me for restricting their time with him and b) there is no way he would agree to any less and I don’t know how a court would decide but yes I will have to have a court order drawn up or he will never leave me alone with my kids. Again though this will put me into more and more debt fighting to spend time with my kids. It’s all so depressing.

[KIP.]

This is the most dangerous time for a woman when she tries to end a relationship with an abuser. Please contact your local women’s aid for support. Keep a journal of his behaviour and log it with your GP and tell them you’re scared. It is child abuse what he is doing and that is not a good father. Of course they adore him, they don’t understand abusive people. Talk to the domestic abuse police for advice. What he is doing is criminal and his abuse is going to get worse. He’s been extremely controlling and abusive for years. Financial abuse is a crime. Please speak to the police. You want him removed before he brainwashes your children any more. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline too. Build a support network round you x

[Rubymurray]

Folliwong for advice too pls –

How is this looked at in your opinions..

He earns the large main wage, i worked f/t for (detail removed by moderator) yrs, health deteriated, stopped work for (detail removed by moderator), then nxt (detail removed by moderator) years either p/t employed or self employed. Now not working due to health, now married and child, but i have no access to the main income or do i know where it all goes (a lot into savings & pension fund) but i have no access or no idea how much. I have my benefits to use for shopping & child and everything i need, & he’ll give me a small sum monthly to top up. Makes me ask for any extra, but this is rare bc of how uncomfortable it feels and ends up being stressful so i dont.

Thanks

[Author]

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