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hi all,
So the last few weeks have been pretty placid barring the odd outburst. I’ve been very quiet and stayed in so its helped.
However the other night, i wasn’t in the mood for sex, i was tired and didn’t feel great. Because I didnt instigate, he kicked off, said it had to be every night and tried telling me I was gay because I didnt want to.
About a year ago, i tried telling him he was making me ill, id lost a lot of weight and suffered so bad from anxiety i didnt leave the house because of fear of him. After the sex argument he said i told me I was doing these things to him, he turned on me and said i was a bully because I bite back (sometimes) if he says something. Tbh I always end up grovelling anyway so there’s no point.
I normally just keep quiet and stay in, dont speak to people because he doesn’t like attention away from him.
He knows Im Not happy and did apologise.
But, it made me think, am i the person he says I am? Have I turned into him? I dont feel I have, I only ever tell him the truth of how the things he says and does make me feel and he says im exaggerating and that i say these things to be nasty to him…. but its just going over things he’s done.
I genuinely can’t understand why he says it because I dont feel that way but he makes me question myself so much -
Ah yes, this old trick of theirs. You wear what they are. Projection, gaslighting, it’s all about him. Expecting him to think like you do or feel like you do isn’t going to happen. The why of him doing whatever is a rabbit hole that leads to a very very dark wonderland where Alice is nothing more than an object. If you did think like him you would be – the very Mad Hatter. People always assume that because we loved the illusion of who they pretended to be in the beginning – that somehow – we have the power to make that real or the power to have made them how they are now. We don’t have that much power in our little magic wand. Never did. But ohhh how they are just fine letting you think you did. Then they have no responsibility in how they treat you at all! Well……..if I’m treating you bad now, you made me do it! And off they go feeling all good about themselves while you feel like total dirt.
At some point, too, we have to really examine “who we listen to” as far as affirmation about anything. I wouldn’t ask the guy down the street who’s a known con artist, thief and all around bad guy – what he thinks about an investment I was about to make. But we do that with our abusers. They have conned us out of our energy and life and we look to them to give us a pat on the back or advice about whatever or their expert opinion on who we are as a human being. Kinda backwards, right?
So we have to be willing to see what see, know what we know and keep our eyes fixated on it. The truth doesn’t waiver. Just because we don’t see it as the truth, doesn’t make it any less true. Just means we’ve looked away and had rather stay in denial. I know. I’ve been there. It’s an ugly place.
He doesn’t have your best interests at heart and it never had anything to do with you and everything to do with who he really really IS. He consumes people and gives nothing back but heartache.
If it wasn’t you, it would be someone else and I don’t have to know him personally to know that he’s had a long list of “others” he has done this to.
In order to take Fang’s teeth out of your neck you have to first disbelieve the lie that says – it was all about you in that – you caused this, you made him who he is, you are guilty for this and that, etc. As long as that lie is in place, he can pull you around by the neck until nothing is left of you. That’s what they do.
It was and is always – about Him.
The only question you need to be questioning yourself about is – how long are you going to take this abuse? That’s the only question here.
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And you should never have to cower and hide your beautiful self from anyone. People like him are actually jealous of the kind of inner beauty that I know you have going on. I can see it. They are rotten inside and although they can mimic to a certain degree and charm, they can never ever do the “real thing” of being empathetic, genuine, having real joy. Just isn’t in them and they hate the fact that they can’t mimic what you do to the point of it being real. Next best thing then is to destroy the object of their jealousy.
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In short, No- you are definitely not the person that he says you are.
Please consider contacting Women’s Aid, either their phone line, webchat, or email them to get some reassurance and on-going support that you can trust. They can help you learn more about what you are experiencing and what to look out for, they can also discuss your options with you and support you in making decisions moving forward when you are ready.You can also find out about local domestic abuse services using the following weblink:
There is also a link on this forum ‘for women new to forum’ – can’t remember which topic it is in I’m sorry but if you keep scrolling down ‘topic’, you will find it and we try to bump it up now and then so it can be seen. On there, there are lots of different links to info that might help you- like a book list suggesting books that can help you learn about domestic abuse and the tactics of the abuser.My hope for you is that you could access some domestic abuse support if you can so that you have someone knowledgeable of what you are experiencing and that you can trust to talk to regularly. In the meantime do keep posting for support.
Soulsearcher
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Fairlady, I know this feeling too well of doubting yourself and questioning yourself over your own behaviour. But you aren’t becoming him, you have the right to say no to sex, it is your body and your choice. I’m lucky that I have escaped this part of the treatment, I sleep with my children and pretend to be asleep when he finishes work. I couldn’t bare having any kind of intimacy with this man again.
I too suffer with anxiety at times, I used to be okay but within the last year it has creeped up on me. You’re doing amazing though to deal with anxiety and to be able to carry on. It is really awful, especially the panic attacks.
Your abuser wants you to believe you’re doing something wrong so he can gain further control. Don’t ever doubt yourself because you are stronger than you think x
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