To anyone that left

[selfish]

Please tell me that things get better after you get out. I am waiting for a house before I can leave, and I’m just stuck in limbo. A constant fear he’ll find out what I’m doing. I’m almost wanting him to find something he’s not happy about so he can blow up on me as that’s what I know. I do something ‘bad’ and I am shouted at, blanked, or if ‘really bad’ something will get broken. I’m then left to beg for forgiveness, this can take an hour or a week depending on how angry he is. This is my normal. He’ll make me out to be a liar and turn people against me, and I’ll question everything I did and said. I’ve only been truthful, I haven’t even managed to admit what things were like at the worst parts. But still I doubt all the time if I overplayed it in my head, if it was my anxiety that amplified the situation. I struggle with his consistent niceness at the moment, as I don’t deserve it, but I also want to leave before he has an outburst and then calls my bluff and asks me if I’ve been planning to leave. When he finds out I’ve told people what’s been happening he’ll be so angry, so I’m trying to act normal, but when he’s not acting normal it’s hard. I’m just struggling today, waiting for things to progress, but also keeping strong and hiding what I do all day. So please say this part is the hardest, I know I’ll have difficult days to come, but I’m hoping the fear and guilt will be less, and we’ll all flourish outside the control we know. X*x

[nbumblebee]

I cant tell you it will be ok cause im not there yet but what i can tell you is just how amazing you are. I often feel like you do when hes calm and nice i feel full of guilt shame doubt for thinking or trying to think he is abusive even writing the word gives me goosebumps. I often wish he would blow up so it proves what im trying to learn is true.
You are not alone there.
It will get easier keep imaging that place of your own no eggshells no him just a calm place that you feel safe in. Picture your life without his abuse keep that picture in your head never lose sight of that dream you are so close really close to it becomming a reality.
You got this and we are right there with you. Sending hugs x

[selfish]

Nbumblebee, ❤️ thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I hope that at some point in the future we will all be safe and happy. I am exactly the same, like I question if it really happened the way I remember. I know for years I would never ever think this was abuse, but I remember occasions where my friends have disagreed with their partner in front of me, and I instantly had that knot in my tummy and cold sweat as I fully expected some retaliation from the partner, but nothing. I was so afraid of saying anything bad against him as if it got back to him, he would be mad! At the moment though I don’t understand why he isn’t getting angry like he used to.
Have you got something that you focus on Nbumblebee for the future? My focus is being able to decorate my kids rooms exactly how we want. I can’t wait to have a place for everything, and not worrying about it being broken or told to move it. That is what gets me through all of this. It’s hard to imagine not constantly being on edge, or listening out for any outbursts. Even being able to put my phone on silent and not check it every minute.
I hope you are ok. X*x

[wildandfree]

I just wanted to say it does get better. So much better. I have been out and free for a few years, and it wasn’t easy. But completely worth it. There were times when I thought my heart would break and that the tears would never stop.
But they do. You start to rebuild your life. But rebuild it how you want. I look back now and see how bad it was. I wasn’t really living, just existing. Always hypervigilant for fear of saying or doing ‘the wrong’ thing, although I had no idea what it might be that day. The weeks on end of sleep deprivation, the worry , the constant having to hide the real me as he seemed to hate that. On and on and on.

Keep moving forward. It does get better. I am now in a place where I feel free. I can sleep when I want. I can do what I want. I can read books I want without being mocked. Even things like being able to leave my diary lying around because I am no longer fearful that it will be read.

Hold on to that image of what life will be like when you are safe in your own place. Know that you are completely worth it. You deserve to be free and happy. You deserve to live your own life, and to not just exist.
Sending hugs and strength x*x

[Galabeee]

I’m not out yet but I fully believe it will be, and I’m hanging onto that as I take step after step even though everything in me feels terrible …

[Hereforhelp]

Yes getting out was the best thing I did, it wasn’t easy and as said above there were days of self doubt, tears, guilt… now we are zero contact my children and I can recover/heal… my husband and accused me of planning etc when I asked to separate, it seems a common theme as these men blame anyone and do not take responsibility.

Massive hugs
HFH ❤️

[selfish]

Thank you for your replies, it gives me such hope. Wild and Free, you have summed up perfectly the reasons I want to leave. The thought of having unconditional freedom is what drives me forward. I know that being in a relationship you do have to make compromises, but I don’t actually know if he understands that. I’ve opened up to few people now about my plans to leave, and even just scratching the surface on what happens on a daily basis they are disgusted by the words/language/orders I have said to me. That’s without talking about the outbursts of anger. I know every minute I’m away from him I’m doing the right thing, but when I’m around him I have this overwhelming need to keep him happy. I know if I try to hug him and I’m allowed to, I’ve not done anything to annoy him. But if I’m pushed off, or told no, something is wrong. It’s so hard to stop putting him first, I know I’m still doing it. Constantly thinking of how he will cope on his own, without me or our children. Am I being selfish in taking us away from him when he can be calm and funny, just so I can be happy. The kids are getting older and I can see them trying to impress their dad by belittling me, or answering back as most of the time he never backs me. At the moment I’m backtracking a bit on my confidence about doing the right thing and that scares me!
Thanks for all the support, it really helps to be able to speak about the turmoil. X*x

[wildandfree]

Hi. You are certainly not being selfish. Something that helped me to stick to my decision, was what would I do if my children were in the same kind of relationship as me. Would I say stick with it, or would I have moved heaven and earth to get them out? You know your own answer. I kept thinking that I was doing this for them. To show them that that was not what a relationship should look like.
Find your purpose to leave and hold on to it. If I did it just for me I would have stayed because I didn’t think I deserved happiness, that I was somehow broken and I got the life I deserved (I was so wrong!). But I didn’t want the same for my children. They were my purpose to leave and never go back.

What I am saying is, you are not selfish. I understand the guilt that comes with leaving. I had all the threats. He said he couldn’t live without me etc (he found someone new the week I moved out so I guess he was fine).
Focus on YOUR future.
Here if you ever need to chat.
W&F

[StrongLife]

Things get better. I’m living in a house where I’m not worried that “someone” in house is going to hurt or control me. I’m not listening to constant berating of me as a person. I live in quiet house where I go out and meet people.

I have new techniques, skills and confidence that I could never have learnt prior to this. I control finances. I have contacts now.

Hope that helps anyone

[selfish]

StrongLife, that is so helpful and assuring. Everything you explain is what I dream of. The thought of coming home to a house where I’m not shouted at, made fun of or belittled is the goal. My husband gets my kids to join in, and I just feel like verbal beating bag. I can’t wait for the day I can do a food shop and not worry I’ve picked the wrong thing. Or have friends round and not worry about them being made to feel unwelcome. He thinks it’s beneath him to help me with anything, and that attitude is rubbing off on my children and I want them to realise that it’s not nice or big to treat people the way I am treated. Please keep posting as it really helps to hear the positive side of getting away. Xx

[wildandfree]

Hi (Not!) Selfish

Not sure if you have read it, but if you get chance have alook at the book ‘Was it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham. For so long whilst in my marriage, and after I thought it was my fault, that I could have done more, perhaps I was over reacting, or if I could find the magic words to say then it would all be ok and it would go back to how it was. Reading that book changed everything for me. I read it in tears, highlighting every other paragraph, crying YES THIS IS IT EXACTLY. It might help you to see that you are not selfish, you should not feel guilt, so much of their behaviour is designed to control, even the nice behaviour.

Keep moving forward. You can do it.

[StrongLife]

I understand- it takes a long time to leave and move on and a lot of counseling. Where I am now is far on from when I left. I to was berated for various things and he got the kids involved to – I hear you on that one. They were too young to understand and alone they are not like this (remember kids grow up)

[Galabeee]

Hope you are doing okay @selfish (although you aren’t!)
I’m hoping this too and it’s super early days for me right now…

[Galabeee]

*aren’t “selfish” I mean!

[selfish]

Hi GalaBeee, how are you?
I’m not great. Every day is a struggle and waiting on housing is so much harder than I expected. Every day that passes I seem to go further and further into this black hole, and my whole life feels consumed by the guilt of what I’m doing, and I’m waiting and hoping that something will come up and I can leave so I can finally work on healing. I couldn’t even find the words to come on here, as I just feel empty. I have been thinking about you all, and hoping that you are all ok, or as ok as you can be. X*X

[nbumblebee]

All of us know that feeling and are all too familiar with that black hole that never seems to end sweetie. Here you are amoung people who just get it, you dont need words with us we are all here.
Baby steps slow and steady you will get there you will.
Take care xxxxx

[Lottieblue]

I’m the same as @wildandfree. Left a few years ago and have just turned a corner. It’s been really hard work, but so worth it! I haven’t seen my abuser since the day I walked out. This has been the absolute best thing to do. Even with no contact, for a long time I felt that he had all the power, all the control. Now I feel he has none.

My biggest piece of advice is to seek and take every piece of support you can get. Friends, family, professionals. It’s that which will get you through. But you will get through. I promise. Just hang on in there. x*x

[StrongLife]

When I was with ex I dreamt of my life now.
Calm, nice, place of my own free of him. Did not realise other things would happen too. Did not realise I would actually get it.

I have pets, friends, outings, control my money and – no screaming by some person in house.

If I want to play sport I do it. If wanted to travel to holiday I would.

I have my music playing, my own stuff, exercise, socialising and other things.

I’m busy with life. I have different people in life. I see these men and go that one is abusive and stay clear. I don’t fear being hurt.

I do have good and bad days like everyone else has but get advise and deal with things if needed.

I have own bank acct, money.
I’ve met people who were lovely- men and women.

I met one lovely man who gave me hope that men are nice. I met another as well. And a third.

I’ve seen things I would never have seen.

All I had to do was walk away.

[Anonymous]

It definitely does get better.when I eventually moved into my own place I loved the peace and quiet, no more screaming and shouting, I could do whatever I wanted to do do when I wanted too.
Even down to the little things like buying the foods I liked.
It took time to get used to me new norm but I can finally walk with my head up rather than the person he turned me into.
It isn’t easy but so worth it.

[Author]

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