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    • #19965

      Giving myself a chance to be free again, to use this freedom to meet a man who could show me what love really is.
      I am frightened of men, I am frightened of physical love, feelings, frightened to trust, share, belong.I am frightened of loving.
      I know , I still know what it is to love, to really love because I love my children.
      But I can’t trust. I can’t stop being afraid, I can’t stop feeling dubious, aware of danger, betrayal, lies.
      What does it feel like to trust? I don’t know how to do that anymore.
      What does it mean to love a man?

    • #19968

      Dear Bridget, congratulations if you have come to the decision to divorce your husband, this is a very momentous decision for you. I would put the idea of loving out of your mind whilst you focus on the many other things that you following weeks, months or longer may bring. It is mentally very challenging breaking away. I may have loved my ex or I may have just been responding to his manipluation, it is likely the latter as he was really not a quality partner. I see examples of what loving and trusting a partner looks like, it is not fearing your partner or stepping on eggshells. You dont need to love or trust another man yet, give yourself some space. XXXXX

    • #19979

      I can absolutely understand how you’re feeling. I gave myself to my ex.. Literally all of me- that’s how I feel.. Physically and mentally. The thought of opening myself up to that again makes me feel sick… It’s not so much that I’m scared to trust although I am a little… It’s that I felt so bonded to him. But I guess that’s the trauma bonding isn’t it. I think we have to have hope that we can heal and will. As you say- you can love because you love your children. These are the things that are in my head too.
      We deserve happiness so maybe the trick is to try not to worry about if we will be able to love someone els. X*x I know that’s easier said than done but the more we worry the harder it is to let go xx

    • #19986

      I am glad about your decision.
      But the trust will take time to come back.
      It can be a good thing not to trust. It will protect you from evil people.
      You do not have to reveal to anybody that you do not trust them.
      It is your protective coat in this cruel world.

    • #19996

      I fought against the idea of divorce whilst in the marriage. I was Catholic, I had always wanted a family, kids….I even said, when he was being cruel and I was begging forgiveness for imaginary sins, that I didn’t want us ‘to be yet another couple on the scrap heap of life.’ I didn’t want my kids to go through pain.

      But once he truly revealed the extent of his depravity, I proceeded with divorce very quickly. It was more or less an instant decision, overnight, a sudden seeing of the light, and everyone was so surprised and shocked. Even he was shocked. He tried to hide.

      I knew in my heart it was the right decision. And I knew it would involve huge upheaval and pain and a complete reinvention of myself.

      But I didn’t want to be a suffering victim anymore. I wanted my kids to live innocence, too.

      If you have come to this decision, Bridget, we are here for you, to listen to you and support you as you go through this reinvention.

      I am not on the ‘scrap heap of life’ and nor are any ladies here who have left, and nor will you be. You will be on the crest of a new wave, you will be carried by wings of hope and your own strength.

      Sometimes, we feel that abuse is our predestined life. It’s just we have known for so long, it’s become part of our DNA, it can’t be changed. It will cause too much other suffering to leave, etc. But in that courage and determination to fight for peace and our own identity, we find the strength.

      It is entirely your decision, and you will know if and when it is.

      Just to say, I know you worry about the impact on your kids. You imagine they will
      Be as bereft as you. But their focus is rightly their own life, and I think they feel the pain in a lesser form than us is parents separate. As long as they still feel treasured, they will be ok. I am a child of divorce, and though it was painful when my dad left, it was nothing like the pain I have experienced with my abuser.

      We all wish we could wave a magic wand and make things better, make our abuser be kind, gentle… but it just doesn’t happen. It’s sad.

    • #19998


    • #20005
      Peaceful Pig

      Hi Bridget, I hope you use the freedom to find out how it feels to love and trust yourself. Let this be your goal. When you do it won’t matter whether others do or not.
      I am not a child of a divorce, but one who lived the fear and abuse continually as my mother did not have any strength or insight to change things. I’m pretty sure divorce is the better option, though my ex convinced me for a long time that I would be ruining everyone’s lives.
      “Trust yourself, then you will know how to live” Johann Wolfgang van Goethe. X*x

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