to leave or not to leave

[thelastoftheswallows]

Like many others who have written so bravely on this topic, I am torn about whether to leave or not. There is a part of me that wants to help him (detail removed by moderator) and stick by him, but another which wants to run. In the past (detail removed by moderator), when I am with him I can’t be myself, most of the time I am walking on egg-shells, fearful of saying the wrong thing which might trigger his terrible temper – he gets into a rage, (detail rewmoved by moderator) We have been married just over two decades so it’s been a long journey together and I wonder why on earth I’m still with him?
(detail removed by moderator) Yet over the past few years he has become more and more abusive and coercively controlling – and because he expects me to always speak in his native language and never talks English with me, it is hard for me to communicate and understand everything anyway, and very exhausting. I only know that when I go visit my daughter or am in the UK I can be ‘myself’. Now, like many others on this forum, when he is in the ‘nice’ phase I begin to think, well maybe it will be OK, maybe we can get through this- but if for a moment I don’t respond or behave or do what he tells me to do in the way he expects, then he flies into a temper. It’s these moments I know I should leave, especially when he constantly shrieks at me that I’m a bad person (I won’t use his exact words, but you get the drift) have no compassion, and I don’t understand what he says or do what he asks, on PURPOSE just to annoy him. I stay safe by leaving the room usually, as he is capable of destroying furniture, possessions and so on. Am I some kind of masochist for staying? My friends tell me to get out, and return to UK – (detail removed by moderator) But where and how do I find the courage to leave? Emotionally I don’t want to hurt him any more than he already appears hurt, and he has of course threatened suicide if I were to go – he is very good at telling himself he’s the victim. But practically, like many others, I have an issue about leaving my personal possessions behind as I know if I walked out on the spur of the moment he would destroy everything. So it’s beginning to seem this will be the only way I walk out…can I pluck up the courage to leave any other way or even tell him I’m going to split?
I think I have become defensive and hardened and lack compassion, but there must be some left or maybe I would have left years ago – I’m always trying to help him, always making phone calls on his behalf, always making appointments for him (he won’t talk to anyone and hates the world), running errands around the house and around him, go get this, go get that, do this, do that…..blaming me all the time for ruining his life….and of course, I can’t forget the times he’s been in his terrible, uncontrollable rages, and perhaps it is this that will eventually force me to leave. I can’t sit and have a normal grown up discussion with him about separating either. However, he has ocassionally mentioned we need more space from one another as we are with each other 24/7. So when he lets me (yes, I almost have to ask permission!) visit family in UK, I am vitalised, happy, less stressed, enjoying being myself again and able to speak my own language, what freedom! – and when I return to him he hates that I am confident and full of life again – he resents my joie de vivre – so that irritates him and he eventually lashes out about how I don’t care for him and I only care about myself, family and Uk, he’ll then get in a rage about that, and shout and scream, and then a day or so later begins to be nice again. I won’t bore you with any more… And so the wheel turns…how to get out of this vicious circle? Like many others, breaking the news to him that I want to split or leave is not a safe thing to do right now… am I just too scared to let go of everything that is my home? But I know that sacrificing my wellbeing for material comfort isn’t the answer, as there’s no comfort here, only a walk on eggshells.

I appreciate any support and I hope by sharing this, we can each of us find a way out of the darkness and discover the light again.

[smallbutbrave]

Hello lovely, I could have written this post myself. I know how hard it is. your partner sounds alot like mine. I want to leave, I look at him and feel nothing. He tells me daily I am a horrible, awful person. Everything that has gone wrong in his life is all my fault. He has a terrible temper. It is so bad that I can’t even defend or try to stick up for myself. I tried that the other night and got grabbed round the back of my neck.

I live in the UK but my parents live abroad. I, like you up untill not long ago had to get ‘permission’ to go visit (detail removed by Moderator) a year. He isn’t as bad now but I still tense up when I come to book flights and have to let him know.

Hr says I am cold and show no love or emotion towards him and yeah I guess I don’t or at least the bare minium to live a semi peaceful life, but he ca’t see it is him who has made me like this. All the verbal, emotional, corercive, physcical, sexual abuse has made me hate him. I wouldn’t dare say that to his face though because he would seriously hurt me. (detail removed by moderator)

Anyway…Sorry to rant. Just know I know how you feel and you are not alone. Ee are better than them

[thelastoftheswallows]

Thank you so much smallbutbrave for your support. I really appreciate it and have spent another day trying not to upset the proverbial applecart, but whatever I say, don’t say, or do, or don’t do ends in terrible accusations and threats and I am seriously going to have to leave. But just need more strenth to do so and a realistic escape plan. I hope you find a way too, blessings

[Camel]

You know leaving is the only realistic option for you. Decide which possessions are truly important to you – what would you grab if the house was on fire? Everything else is simply an anchor, keeping you stuck there.

Don’t feel sorry for causing him more hurt when he’s the one dishing out all the hurt.

All you really need is a plane ticket, somewhere to stay and a good lawyer. Ask your daughter to help you.

[thelastoftheswallows]

thanks Camel – I truly appreciate your advice – and yes, I know that’s the right thing to do and possessions are in fact meaningless (apart from a few things!) – but he’s already twisting my arm by saying we can make it work….being nice to me again…I keep falling into the trap. So as Darknessallround says, next time I visit family, I just don’t come back. It’s probably the safest option.

[Darknessallaround]

@thelastoftheswallows can so relate to this.
Walking on eggshells….The verbal rages…. Accusations of doing or saying things just to annoy him…. Making phone calls and appointments on his behalf. Running around doing errands (doing everything actually)…. The permission thing to be able to go anywhere… Nothing ever being good enough.
Sorry no advice, just wanted you to know you are heard and understood. Except that maybe next time you visit your family, just don’t go back.

[thelastoftheswallows]

Thanks Darknessallaround – I truly appreciate your thoughts and you’re right – I will try to keep it in my head that there’s no coming back, next time I visit family. Yet, today he starts being nice and telling me we can work it out…..I am again weak and too compromising.But thanks for hearing me and understanding.

[thelastoftheswallows]

Well, here’s the next chapter of the story – since I last posted there has been again a lot of throwing objects and things about, verbal abuse about how I’m a mad, bad person – a lot of gaslighting going on. And always reverts to how I’ve ruined his life etc – ok, maybe I’m not an easy person to live with – I am scatty and older than him (he keeps reminding me that I won’t be long on this earth, so who’s going to protect him when I kick the bucket!) So, yes, I forget things and have my head in the clouds, and I’m not at all practical, and I don’t like being told what to do much either, so I tend to rebel against his controlling, obssesive, military demands and dare I say it, his macho attitude – but I don’t think it’s right that I should take allthe blame for his state of mind. We can’t even sit down and have a civilised conversation about our relationship without him getting in a rage. He says I have no compassion for his physical and mental state, but after being abused so many times, not just destroying my possessions but other things too, how can I have any compassion left? I try and try each time to forgive him. I have to leave I know that, but like many others, I’m scared of telling him it’s the only and best thing for us – separation. I am scared of walking out right in front of him for what he might do. So I have to come up with a plan – someone said about visiting my (detail removed by Moderator) and not coming back – that’s the best plan, but he’s now saying I can’t go anywhere as we don’t have enough money, and he’s also threatened to take my driving license and the car keys away from me on the grounds I’m (detail removed by Moderator) and can’t drive! Sorry to go on, but I’ve got it off my chest – and I will find a way out, that’s why I’m posting this to say there has to be a way. Thank you all for reading and being there.

[selfish]

Thelastoftheswallows. Whilst reading your story, so much of it resonates with me. My husband too is very controlling, goes into a rage and can be violent. It’s taken me a long journey to get to this point, but I am leaving. We are still living together whilst I wait for a house, but not as a couple. I can’t tell you what a weight off my shoulders it is. It was a complete accident how he discovered my plans to leave, but actually he seems to be taking it well now, and promising to work on himself and anger but I know I’m done. He is being the nicest he’s ever been to me, and treating me like a human being, but nothing now will get me to stay. I can feel from your words you are at a similar stage to me and it’s working out the logistics of leaving more than the worry of leaving your husband. As so many wise woman have said to me, he has noticed a shift in you, and i always think this is when you finally recognise it’s abuse, and he is clutching at straws to keep you. The fact you have a cycle of abuse shows that he knows right from wrong, so please never think it was your fault, or that you are difficult to live with, this is not the case. It’s just a way to excuse bad behaviour. Keep updating us, and I hope you can find a safe way to leave and find your self worth again. X*x

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