21st May 2016 at 9:56 am #17666
My marriage ended in (detail removed by moderator) after years of being together.
It had been emotionally abusive for years (possibly always?), before I had our children there had been occasional physical abuse and it ended after he physically abused me again in (month removed by moderator). He had really hit and hurt me in (month removed by moderator) and I had said after that that if he ever hit me again he would have to leave. In (detail removed by moderator) it was only a kick, but it brought back all the feelings of terror from before and I left the house before it escalated like the last time.
At that point, I could suddenly see very clearly that this was only something that would happen more frequently and with more severity if we stayed together and I insisted he left and with the support of two friends (who emailed me the Womens Aid list of abusive behaviour so I could see that his behaviour wasn’t right) managed to keep on insisting until he did move out for a ‘trial separation’ while, as he said, ‘I got my s**t together’.
We went for one counselling session and the counsellor told us in his opinion there was no relationship left to save. Maybe he was saying it to shock us into working together, but my husband took it as sanction to file for divorce on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour and he cited a page and a half of reasons, ranging from petty truths, exagerrations to utter lies. He shared his reasons with the children (ages removed by moderator) and my son stopped speaking to me and moved in with his dad on the strength of these. My son and I have had barely any contact since and although he is back in touch at the moment our relationship is not the same.
My daughter, (age removed by moderator) continued to do all the to-ing and fro-ing between our houses to keep contact with her dad and brother on her own. She supported me and kept up with her school work and her drama group throughout all of last year. She is amazing!
However, since New Year, she has got tired and worn out and now she is angry. She has realised more and more about what happened in the past, she doesn’t like her father’s behaviour since (he very quicky found a new girlfriend who is his priority and he leaves my son home-alone for days while her stays with her. My son says he doesn’t mind and he is nearly (detail removed by moderator)now, but I still feel it’s not right to leave him alone so much) plus his treatment of her is becoming increasingly emotionally abusive.
She has decided she does not want contact with him at the moment, which is a good thing, but he still remains clueless as to the impact he has had on her and on me.
My best friend, who is one of the ones that has supported me throughout this time, feels very strongly that the only way to get redress is to make a complaint to the police about the historical emotional abuse I suffered and use a closed statement I made to the police in (month removed by moderator) about the 2 most recent physical attacks that happened before my marriage ended. She thinks this will give me ‘closure’ and also show the children that their dad was wrong and criminal to behave as he did. So we are naming it and then it can be dealt with properly.
I have been trying to get through to the police on 101 this week (always busy) to discuss this. I have also spoken to my local Women’s Aid staff, but they suggest that there is no point in contacting the police if we are not in physical danger and because it is in the past the police will not do anything.
Sorry…. this has turned into a very long post, but my questions are:-
Have others out there tried to prosecute the perpetrators a while after the relationship has ended? If you did – how did it go? Do you feel better for doing so?
Has emotional abuse been taken seriously by the Police?
I am not sure if I do try to make a complaint that it will be disregarded and will leave me and my daughter with a lot more emotional upset to deal with.
21st May 2016 at 10:04 am #17667
Hi there acegracie5. This is exactly what I’m wanting to do to my ex partner. Although the last time the police came out were few yrs ago bit I’m wanting closure and some kind of justice as he’s just got away with the lot we are having counselling now because of the past iys horrible x
21st May 2016 at 10:12 am #17669
Hi BetterDays. I don’t know what to do for the best, but I don’t want him to define our futures.
This last year I have tried to move on with WA Freedom Prog and Recovery Toolkit courses and gone to counselling, but the fact that it is now profoundly affecting my daughter means I have to see that the fact that I minimised his behaviour and tried to cover it up by being a good mum to my children was and is not enough.
I just found a counsellor that my daughter is happy to talk to yesterday (hooray!), but is just counselling ourselves to come to terms with it going to be enough, or should he be made to see the damage he has done?
21st May 2016 at 10:26 am #17670
I’m on my 3rd freedom programme it’s been my saviour. And of course this forum. All my boys have autism. And one of them have started art psychotherapy so I’m kind of dreading what will come out of that. I had nearly (detail removed by moderator) of abuse on every level I’m still a mess. It’s horrible. I tried to put on a brave act to outsiders but it all got too much x
21st May 2016 at 10:30 am #17672
Have you ever tried to make your ex see the damage he has done and the impact he has had?
21st May 2016 at 10:38 am #17673
Hi I’ve tried speaking to him on and of for yrs been like hitting my head of a wall. He’s always blamed me. Said we both need to change. He’s blamed my family or my autistic sons no closure ever!!!!! X
21st May 2016 at 10:46 am #17674
Thanks betterdays. So how do you manage it? Do you still have contact? How have you come to terms with it?
21st May 2016 at 10:59 am #17676
Hi I’ve not really come to terms with it properly it kills me inside. I’ve had contact on and of with him in the time I’ve been seperated as he’s said he wanted to be friends which basically means him trying to worm his way back in. Wanting to have his tea here reckoning he will do jobs for me but it were all to vet his foot back in door. I were no contact for (detail removed by moderator)but weakened to let him see his son. It’s just put me further back so I’m now building it back up again the no contact it’s the only way for me as he will akways try to reel me back. He’s tried getting back with me but I can’t do It. I’m hurting seep inside x
21st May 2016 at 11:20 am #17677
Thank you for your honesty, betterdays. Big hugs to you x*x
21st May 2016 at 2:31 pm #17681SerenityParticipant
Hi Ace Gracie,
The trouble is ( and the hardest pill for me to swallow) is that these abusers rarely admit abuse.
In order for them to abuse in the first place, they are filled with negative anger and jealousy, plus they have a huge chip on their shoulders, tell themselves everyone else is wrong, that nobody appreciates how great they are, and they feel superior and entitled.
Often, it can be to avoid deep-seated hurt from childhood ( a self-protection mechanism) and they are too scared to be honest with he selves and to become vulnerable, or it can be that they have an actual personality disorder and just don’t see life like we do.
In any case, abusers are more likely to punish you for outing them, or to turn the tables and make you out to be the perpetrator, as you have found.
I think you are facing a huge mountain climb if your wish is to make him see what he has done. Statistics say that even perpetrators who undergo anger management / therapy rarely change. Their problems are too deep-seated.
If you want to go ahead and get closure and validation by reporting this, I would say do it for your self, not to get him to realise whet he has fine. I got a non-mol against my ex, and told him I would teach him a moral lesson, but all he has done is try to manipulate things to make me crumble and to look bad, and to trust things and to try to bring me down. But you know this is what they do.
I must admit that getting an injunction out against him and getting a judge to tell him off dud wonders for me. I felt that my experience was finally being validated, especially as he was the type of a user who always denied wrongdoing and tried to blame everyone else. He even ‘set up situations’ and traps to try to make people fall under his powers and to end up looking bad. Like they were puppets in his twisted theatre show. This is how far they will go to protect their image and to bat off blame.
I am in a similar situation to you in lots of ways. I have two sons, my eldest who knows what he is like and rarely sees him, and my youngest who has been ordered by the courts to see him. There is emotional abuse there, where my ex ( as he always did) will put his own needs and interests first, to the point of neglecting my sons.
Last year, I was posting here a lot, and I got some good advice from ladies here who said hat my best defence ( for my kids) was to teach my kids to speak up, to voice their opinions and to not be scared to stand up to bullies; to recognise what bullying is and ways of overcoming bullying and of setting up healthy boundaries, and to not internalise guilt thrown at them by abusive and demanding bullies. I have also tried extra hard to encourage my kids to find their own individuality and their specialness, their tale us and strengths etc, to strengthen them against their manipulator. Long term, they will need this, not just with feeling with your ex, but in life too.
In terms of yourself, I can understand your need to have your experience validated. No contact with my ex is, for me, my way way of saying to my kids that one doesn’t have to put up with abuse, but for myself, my speaking out a out his a ye and naming him as my perpetrator really gave me back a feeling of power. I think he now knows that I will take action if he dies anything too bad ( not that he isn’t trying things covertly).
I have personally found the police to be very unhelpful, but this is because thy have no historical reports on him and I git my injunction not through them, but through the National Centre for Domestic Violence ( NCDV). The police told me I would need to take him back to court if he misbehaves, that they can’t help ( unless I am at real immediate risk).
I would recommend calling the NCDV and talking to them, explaining your situation. They were brilliant with me. I can’t praise them enough. Their number is 0800 9702070.
Good luck X
21st May 2016 at 2:55 pm #17686missiepieParticipant
I feel very similar to you.
I dont have children but my abusive ex robbed me of my home, my confidence and self worth.
I thought leaving him would be enough….but I relive the abuse in my head and heart daily. I feel like there is no justice fro what I endured and still endure while he is fine, he has no doubt that he did nothing wrong as there was no consequence for him.
I have toyed with reporting it police now for weeks. The more I think about the more I want to do it. I have pictures on my phone of the physical abuse I suffered at his hands.
The law changed so that you can now prosecute upto 2 years after an event. So it should not be that just because you are not in danger now that you should not be taken seriously. When I read the news and see people in court because they bite someones hand….it makes me think for that to be taken seriously and go to court…im actually not doing myself justice by thinking that my case is worth less justice and police/law support. That is just my self confidence and low self esteme.
I didnt go to the police also in fear of making things worse and feeling like if i reached out for help and didnt get it I couldnt face the rejection. Now I think for my own self worth I should speak out.
Also, if we dont report this stuff…it will just end up with another woman signing up to this site in a few years due to my ex contiuing to think the way he treats women and others is ok!
21st May 2016 at 2:58 pm #17687
Dear Serenity, thank you very much for sharing your experiences and what you learnt from others.
22nd May 2016 at 11:34 am #17744Confused123Participant
I reported my ex after (detail removed by moderator) months of seperating him , he denied it all and said no comment throughout interview, due to lack of evidence he got away with (detail removed by moderator) years of horrific abuse to me. It hurt me but it gave me closure and i have strenghtened and strenghted as a person for reporting him as he knew i stood up to him, the abuse is log on his file regardless to whether he was charged
22nd May 2016 at 11:58 am #17748SaharaDParticipant
The prosecution decision won’t be yours. Depending on the evidence available (medical reports, hospital admissions, statements from friends and relatives and neighbours, etc), the police will decide whether to arrest and then refer the case to the Crown Prosecution Service on whether to prosecute in the public interest.
Unfortunately it is never in our interest, that they make the decision to prosecute.
However, I know that my husband did not get away with it completely, he has an arrest record for abuse and if he ever does anything to anyone person, I will gladly give a statement of what his character is like and what he did to me. Habits die hard for abusers. In addition to this if another woman wants to use Claire’s law to find out his arrest or criminal history, she will be forewarned that he was accused of,arrested and no contact bailed for physically assaulting his wife previously.
Even though my divorce isn’t complete, I have closure from knowing he didn’t completely get away with it and from my counselling.
He is just a twisted and confused little man and I still have no pity for him because he hurt me badly. I won’t encourage or enable abuse. I draw my boundary line there and I stand strong and tall on it. At best he will have learnt his lesson and never abuse again. At worst he will come unstuck for abusing another person and go to prison or meet another type sticky end.
24th May 2016 at 11:06 am #17879SuntreeParticipant
Mine even after admitting it got a caution. Then the next time after that because his record had been wiped clear when that ran out I got the investigating officer actively tell me what he was going to tell him to say and said he didn’t want to arrest him. I’m not joking.
The officer said because there was no witnesses and not enough physical evidence it wouldn’t get to court unless he admitted it and then he told me what he was going to tell him to say at the interview.
The ex was even giving the police the run around and they were still giving him chance after chance.
The officers who came out to me were lovely. But I had to relive everything a few times.
It didn’t bring me closure, it didn’t help keep me safe, it made no difference to contact or the family court. But I am glad I did do it there and then because there was officers who believed me.
However I haven’t reported other abuse and I never will.
You must do what you need to do for you. That might mean not reporting, that might be keeping a diary, supporting your daughter so she doesn’t have to see him.
24th May 2016 at 4:16 pm #17884KIP.Participant
Absolutely I would speak to a domestic abuse officer and register his abuse. It may not go any further but there will be a record of his behaviour for when the next victim reports him. Or even an older victim. This sort of evidence can back up another woman’s statement and you never know if she will say they have an old complaint about him. It helps with Claire’s Law too. I’m nearly a couple years out and I’m so very glad I reported him at the time. I held him to account. I told the world he was an abuser. How dare he think he can behave in such a dreadful way and not be held accountable. At the end of the day, of course it’s your decision. Maybe speak to an officer and get her opinion. Mine was arrested and now has a criminal record. He was also detained on a (detail removed by Moderator) but there was not enough evidence. However, what a shock it must have been for him to be detained in the early hours of the morning and made to sit in a cell, then an interview room while two officers put my allegations to him. Let’s hope he won’t be so cruel to his next victim. I’m sure he will think twice about coming near me again. It wasn’t closure I got, just quiet satisfaction and I felt much less of a victim. It did cause problems between my adult son but my ex is so manipulative, those problems would have surfaced eventually. It also sent a message to my son and my husband about how dreadful my husbands behaviour was and you are accountable for your own actions x don’t ever try and get him to understand the hurt he has caused. He just won’t believe you. My ex is playing the huge victims now to anyone that will listen. It’s everybody’s fault but his. Don’t waste your time. Let the police deal with him x
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