today

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I found a note left by him, just two words to say something nice about something I do, a visible result of my efforts and talent.
And I thought…why are you even being nice? He is sensing I am becoming fully independent, I even told him recently that there was nothing he could do to control me, or interfere nor “participate”.
Still I hide behind my life at home, working from home, being with my kids, enjoying the days while he is at work. I cannot make that decision yet to leave. I enjoy my life and work, my home and garden, my family as a major bonus. It makes me stay, so long as I am quiet, nothing happens. I have barely any contact with him…
I hope the counselling sessions will start soon. They may help me see things with open eyes, but I am so resilient, so strong in character.
I preserve my bubble of happiness in the meantime, doing as if he wasn’t there…

Yesterday I saw my friend and I told her how I handled the criticism of my parenting by him. She sighed such a deep sigh wishing I was with the right man only to appreciate what a good person she thinks I am. We are looking at houses for sale in the area…just in case I decide…
I live a life in my head, I act. I waste my time maybe.

The next child protection plan meeting is coming. I will not say a word. These people have got it all wrong. My son loves me. He smiles now, he is getting better, all since I came back. He keeps asking about my day…

I am reading the book on controlling people and the Teddy theory…bingo! That’s him!
I remember more and more situations, stories about his parents, what he did and said, things I experienced, weird comments and behaviours. It just goes on and on in my head, then sometimes I start feeling scared. I wonder what will happen if I stay.
I can’t wait for counselling, I think they will crack that hard nut that holds all my feelings in place and let me cry the tears I should have cried.
Who knows…the whole situation is so surreal.
And I am visiting the refuge friends I made soon 😊

[godschild]

The book on controlling people is very enlightening, I often say to myself when mine is behaving bizarre now Teddy would not have done that would she ! xx

[Author]

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