Today I Am Being Driven Mad By Guilt

[Serenity]

I don’t know whether his negative thought waves are affecting me (!), but today I have felt worthless due to guilt.

I remember crying when with my ex and in the midst of his abuse, saying I felt like a waste of space on this planet, hoping for some kind of comfort. Instead, I noticed the satisfied curl of his lips.

Today, it’s all hit me. How I made a bad choice in husband. How I was so irresponsible to have two kids with that monster?

So many people from my year group have married well. Kind husbands, good dads. What the hell was wrong with me?

Why wasI so arrogant to think I had the power to change him?

I can truthfully say that I hate myself and should never have been born.

I am sorry to sound so low, ladies. Maybe healing does involve these downers.

I

[KIP.]

Hi there, please believe me that you have done nothing wrong. You entered into a relationship with love and nothing but good intentions for a happy future. It’s his loss. He’s a monster that nobody could predict. Tomorrow will be a better day ❤️

[Anonymous]

Hi serenity

I fell in love with a monster i gave my home up for him . He promised me he would never hurt me ever .. but he did rape.sexual abuse .emotional abuse. Financial abuse… i did everything for him . When i run for my life .i found out he was leading me on all the through the realtionship.. in the end i felt sick his mask totaly fell off .. he said he loved me .. and i found out he was leading a double life with my best freind .. how could he how could he be soo cruel … we will get through this hun hugs xx

[equinoxal]

It’s not your fault Serenity, you couldn’t have known your husband would turn into such a horrendous person. Please don’t blame yourself.
Thinking of you xx

[Confused123]

HEy Hun

Dont ever say u wish u were never born, yes u met a bad partner, u fell someone who had a fake mask on , how was u to know it was a fake mask, your kids are part of u , they will look at u and be inspired by u how u stood upto a monster who sadly is their dad, u continued to provide for them, u r your everything to your kids, us ladies dont give up , we deal with the c**p that life throws at us, yes i feel bad that the kids have a dad whos not responsible but that was his choice to behave that way, i look at my kids and am so proud that they have me to lean on and have me as a guidance, i look at my kids and i dont even see the ex in them , i see all my good qualities in them , u are a lovely lady who has so many good qualities which u have prob passed to your sons too, its ok to have a low day, just have a early night tonight , u and me both left our ex at the same time and look how far we have come . u thought u could change your ex like me , causwe when we love someone we give our full heart to them and we dont believe in giving up, we took our vows seriously

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, I was thinking about your situation today, the fact that you gave so much of your life to somebody who treated you so awfully. I know that I can’t compare my recent relationship with what you had due to the length of what I had. But I want you to know that the accumulation of heartache and abuse that I have had since puberty, one after the other is likely to match the feelings of waste, loss and sadness that you feel. All of the women on this forum have been physically or emotionally battered & bruised and some days its really hard to feel ok. Try to stay positive Serenity, i remember some of your earlier posts about how happy that you felt and that you were turning things around. It wasn’t your fault that you stayed with him and tried to work it out. Don’t forget how manipulative and crooked they are, masters of tricking us into becoming dependent so that we feel they are our life. I think that you were brainwashed into thinking he was your life and all that you deserved, on top of this being a mum to your children probably made you have that natural maternal feeling of trying to create a solid home for your sons. I feel sad today and still think of my ex every day. He has screwed with my mind and i’m still often trying to get him out of my head. XXXXX

[godschild]

Serenity it is not your fault at all the abusers are so clever at drawing us in and then beahving awful, you could not have seen this in the beginnng and they play such mind games in the cycle of abuse to keep us locked in, no ways it yourfault , hope you can see this and value yourself, abuse is no respecter of persons it affects all manner of people, all classes form the poor to the rich , don’t be so hard on yourself,your ex did enough of that for you, hugs xxxx

[Serenity]

Thank you for your kind words. It was a terrible day yesterday, everything hit me and came back to haunt me.

It’s terrifying when you are hit like that. But I feel a bit brighter today. Maybe it’s part and parcel of the recovery. Xx

[godschild]

I am finding that we have to go through bad feelings to get a bit further along the line , they are helpful but not nice to feel but we do pick up again and possibly stronger for it. Glad you feel a bit brigther todayxxx

[Eve1]

Glad your feeling brighter
Xx

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