Today I am scared

[Rainydays]

I apologise – having sought advice from you previously – but today I am scared. (detail removed by moderator) still wants me to have s*x with other men while he watches or wants me to go out and prostitute myself and come home to him. (detail removed by moderator) I won’t do any of these things so we live in silence. He says nothing to me. Goes to bed early (detail removed by moderator). he’s attacked me in the past, left me with bruises but denies it all, saying i made it up, (detail removed by moderator). i get text messages every day telling me how bad i am as a person. thing is I think his boss knows he’s not right mentally, think long-standing friends know but say nothing – and I’m left living in a home with him.
I rent, sole tenancy in my name only, am I right in thinking I can chuck him out – he has no rights, we’re not married, not in a civil partnership, no children together – just two single people living in the same house ??
But I’m scared, scared of what he’ll do.
started having panic attacks, feel sick, can’t eat, lost weight – I’m so scared.
Please help

[Rainydays]

So – there’s no help – brought it all on myself ..

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, yes if in your name then you can ask him to leave… but… these men rarely do leave and that’s the problem… they remain, they become the victims in their .ind and blame everyone else…

This is why women end up ringing the police to get then to leave… it sounds so drastic but in an abusive relationship it isn’t like a normal healthy relationship whereby 2 people know/decide that their relationship is no longer working and part ways..

Keep posting

❤️ HFH

[Rainydays]

That’s what he says ..

[minimeerkat]

hello rainydays i have just come onto the forum & seen your posts. and the last 2 made feel so very sad as it was so obvious you felt so unsupported – by anyone.
your situation sounds just awful, & you are quite clearly being expected to participate in some pretty degrading things. no wonder you are so unhappy.
this forum is a good way to write it down & get it out, but there are other places for support that could help if you have the courage to contact any of them (& i have contacted every one of them myself in all the ways available). theres absolutely no pressure to do anything at all if you contact them, but they will listen & support you.
looking ahead, if you were to actually break free from this person there are things like non molestation orders to keep you safe, if you did feel them necessary. perhaps start making notes on things that have happened in the past that have scared you or harmed you, & continue noting things now that cause you to feel unsafe.
there is your local domestic abuse service, theres live chat & email on this site & theres also the refuge telephone number & email address. i found my local domestic abuse service were brilliant, so knowledgeable & so very very kind. and to be honest, i couldnt have made a start to end my situation without their help & support.
i do hope you can contact one of the many places mentioned, as they really will be able to help you much much more.
thinking of you x

[Twisted Sister]

Hello Rainydays

First of all, no apologies are needed here, you write whatever and whenever you need. You do sound in horrible need right now, whether he says acknowledges it or not, and whatever illness he may or may not have is nothing to do with the horrific expectations he has of you and his diabolical treatment of you.

I am glad to hear you speak in ways that say you do recognise what he is doing is so wrong. Its irrelevant to you whether he agrees or not, what matters is that you know. You know, and it is in your power to act.

It comes across that you may be feeling frozen, which keeps you from acting on your instincts. I hope you will write more, and start to feel that there may be ways to help you out of this horrible maze.

minimeerkat has made some really good suggestions on keeping a log of incidents and places to approach. These will be helpful to anyone outside that could offer practical support in getting you safe. The act of writing can also help you to fully realise whats happening, options that you have, and processing the horror of what he’s been doing to you.

Please do feel free to write all that you need, sometimes its quite busy here and other times quite quiet, women dip in and out depending on their situations, but I hope you feel welcome, and free to read and write as much as you need.

Do let us know how you get on.

warmest wishes

ts

[Rainydays]

I’ve read other ladies accounts on here and why? why are we being treated this way. And why can’t I summon up the courage to end it all? Everything, everything is my fault – things not right at his work, him not being able to get time off for a doctors appointment, the weather because he’s stuck in England and would be abroad if I got my pension cashed in, being told he’s going to cheat, he can do so much better than me – my fault because if I cashed in my pension or chased my ex for more money – he could leave his job and live off my pension/money from my ex. And me? I never get mentioned and now he’s cut me off from his family, tells me nothing unless I overhear it on a telephone call – even a recent death in his family (someone who I knew and showed me only kindness)- I’ll just carry on working to fund his life style. Every day horrible text messages – always the same – asking when I’m going to get my pension cashed in, it’s my fault he’s in a job he hates, it’s my fault he’s not happy, his life is hell because of me, I’ve brought this all on myself (his silence towards me, one word answers if at all) – I caused this because I haven’t got the money to allow him to stop work. I know I’m not alone – so many of you live this life, I feel sick to my stomach, can’t eat, keep up the pretence to my work mates/boss that life is ‘fine’ – but I never talk about home/life outside work – because it doesn’t exist. I’ve even stopped crying and sometimes I feel really strong and believe the horror story that he is, I can cope with but then my strength goes and I’m believing his words again – I want to run, get away, to not be around anyone, some mornings I just don’t want to start another day. After all – for what

[Lifebegins]

Hey rainydays

I hear you on a lot of what your partner is saying to you. My ex was the same. A lazy git who expected me to fund him and blamed me for having to go to work, albeit it sporadically. I ended up in huge debt and am only just sorting myself financially.

My advice would be to definitely not cash in your pension whatever he says. That is your future. And good news there is always a way out if you’re ready to take it.

I would contact Citizens Advice or Shelter for confirmation but I think you can give him notice and then after that date, just change the locks when he’s out. This could be risky as abuse often ramps up when they feel they’re about to be discarded (certainly happened in my case) so I’d definitely discuss this with Womens Aid or another DV agency to ensure you are properly supported and prepared. It might also be worth staying somewhere else after you’ve told him and until you’ve changed the locks to keep safe.

Another alternative could be to go and find a new place for you to rent (if you’re renting privately). Might not sound fair but it might be worth thinking about to have a quick clean break.

It is awful to feel how he’s making you feel. I remember that sick to my stomach feeling, and although I’ve had to go through a really drawn out horrendous divorce and child context/finances nightmare, not once do I regret leaving. This is our time to be living our best life ❤️

Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Rainydays]

Thank you so much Lifebegins – thank you for listening and in turn, I am listening to you (I’m here again this afternoon because it seems it’s my fault that he can’t get the train he wants, because of strikes – but that’s down to me – if I’d cash in my pension, he wouldn’t have to worry about getting trains because he wouldn’t have to work) – its never ending

[nbumblebee]

Oh sweetie sadly Im with you also. Am feeling useless today nothing I ever do is right all he ever wants me to do is stay home right where he can have me whenever he wants. Its a miserable life and not one anyone should live.
You really do need to reach out and get some help you really sound so hurt and ny heart breaks for you. Womans aid are there for you just ine moment of incredable courage for you to call email or message and i am sure someone will help. You really dont have to do this alone. Even if its just to talk this through I really feel it will help you.
Keep posting we are all here to listen. Sending you a hug sweetie stay safe xxxxx

[Rainydays]

Thank you nbumblebee – my heart feels for you too – sounds as though you know/understand exactly.
I have a picture of him in a frame, taken a year or so after we met, that was the man I fell in love with, back then it all seemed right but ………… even as I am writing this, my memory is saying ‘was it?’ – am I now remembering little things/clues that I never saw but I don’t know anymore, my brain just feels so scrambled and it all hurts.
I don’t understand why he has destroyed us – he has and has always had, someone who loved him without condition, would have taken a bullet for him, saw only a future of growing older together – doing all those things we loved, holidays, eating out ….. But now, I can’t see any future, I don’t know where I’m going except I know in years that I am closer to the end than the beginning – I don’t know what the point is anymore …

[nbumblebee]

Yes I hear you. My husband looks through old photos and tells me how beautiful i once was and how haggered I am now I look at them and I think how false I was how hard I fought to hide my worries about him. I was just blind.
He hasnt changed and i wonder if yours has either i know it feels that way i really do but I wonder if its us thats changed as we see now with opened eyes how wrong their behaviour is. I used to go out in the early days but had to have sex b4 and after as a please and thank you for him allowing me out. I stopped going out as I couldnt bare the thought of being used for sex. He sees it as fun I didnt. I changed it I dont go out now not without him. Its lonley.
I think now you need to step foward get some advise on what your next move is. I cant ever see myself leaving I have kids and after having a s**t childhood myself i wont hurt my kids ever so I wont leave as much as i want too as much as i need to Im not sure I ever will and that breaks my heart. Im hoping you can see past that unlike me amd move tiny steps foward towards freedom.
Reach out you dont have to do this alone. X*x

[Lifebegins]

Hi Rainydays

You’re mourning the life that you could’ve had, not that you will have. We all do it. And I think that’s one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. We dream of all the good things that could happen if only he wasn’t that way. But he is. And he won’t change.

I couldn’t see a life beyond what I had with him. My world had become so small. And there were some good times, enjoyable times, it’s not all bad or otherwise they wouldn’t keep you hooked.

I see all this with clarity now but it took a long time. What you never think though is that you’ll be able to create your own good times, holidays, meals out etc and they’ll be better as you’ll not be watching what you say or what you do in case you set him off. I’ve recently been on a girls holiday, which I never ever dreamed I’d do again as he would never allow it, and it was the most fun. I laughed the whole time.

It’s hard to make sense of it all and I’m not sure if you’ve done any reading on it but Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft were eye openers for me.

Stay strong 💪 xx

[Rainydays]

Thank you nbumblebee and lifebegins – your words make sense.
I read them and at the same time I got a text from him – seems he fell over on his way to work today – that’s down to me, because he has to work because I won’t release my pension money so he can stop working, I don’t know how to answer the text, part says don’t but if I don’t – it’ll just be worse because I’ll be bombarded with texts saying I don’t care, so now I feel sick, my heart is racing, I want to run – if I don’t answer they’ll be reams of texts telling me how rubbish I am, uncaring, how he’s going to have a heart attack, a breakdown, crash the car – I’ve had it all before from him – I’m so scared, it’s constant, never ending, bombarding me all the time – just want him to stop, please stop ..

[Lifebegins]

I really think you need some professional support from a DV organisation to deal with this. You are being subjected to abuse right now. I’ve been where you are and I know it’s relentless and wears you down but you just can’t switch your phone off or block him as you will have to deal with the consequences.

I initially spoke to National Domestic Abuse helpline and they were great. They just talk through with you about your options, there’s no pressure to do anything. It’s really scary making the first phone call as it makes it feel real but I was so relieved after. I didn’t leave just then but it started me on the journey. I then spoke to my local Womens Aid and they supported me with my next moves.

Try and take a deep breath, go for a walk or do something to take your mind off it if you can. Placate him if you need to to minimise the texts. But I wouldn’t say that you’re going to cash in your pension. You need proper advice on how to deal with that request in a safe way whilst you work out what to do next.

Really feel for you ❤️Xx

[Lost lady]

I am so sorry you are going through this, it’s heartbreaking to hear so many women are treated this way
My husband sounds similar to yours in many ways so i know how you are feeling. I have ended up on antidepressants to cope with daily life, but i am trying to find strength to do something about it, it’s hard as we have kids
I have only recently spoke to friends about my situation and now the nurse who have all been amazing but i can’t explain to people why i haven’t left because i don’t know other than fear. I had to admit it to myself first and stop blaming myself
Please speak to freinds, nurses and helplines… you don’t deserve to be treated this way xx sending love

[Rainydays]

He hasn’t spoken to me for weeks/month or more – just endless text messages telling me he wants my pension money so he doesn’t have to work. There’s no intimacy, nothing – won’t even look me in the eye. So I live in silence and now the text messages have returned about him wanting me to have *** with other men, whilst he watches, joins in, or I go out, flash at blokes, get ***** and then tell him about it – if I do that he’ll be nice to me.
I don’t understand – he treats me with contempt/silence/just wanting my money and then thinks I am going to prostitute myself for his gratification – just feel so worthless and scared …………. such a bad day today.
Want to just run ..

[Rainydays]

So sorry to burden you all with my woes and sad world ………….. I was quite a heart on my sleeve, feeling, , happy, giggly, sympathetic person but now I feel like I’ve shut down – can’t remember the last time I laughed, wanted to wake up in the morning, was looking forward to something, anything – life just seems like a blank and I don’t even cry anymore – not even when he’s silent with me or shouting or moaning or telling me the endless list of things that are wrong with me/that I do wrong/say wrong/wear wrong. And then out of the blue I get a text saying that (detail removed by Moderator) (ie go with other men), he’ll stay with me, followed by a text saying he wants to visit his mother and I need to go with him …….. (detail removed by Moderator) his text messages were saying he was off to cheat because anyone else would be better than me, who he wouldn’t bother touching – then there was the (detail removed by Moderator) – and endless texts about how I make his life a living hell. Just endless mind games that numb me ………….

[nbumblebee]

I want to answer with so let him. Let him pack his bags and walk away but I know thats just as hard right? And doesnt help.
I admitted today that i want out I want this lige my life to stop to end and by self harm im doing just that. Id never admitted that b4 today. I dont want to wake up anymore i dont want to deal with this life its s**t.
But we do we rise everyday because actually somewhere deep down way deep down we see and feel a spark a light something is telling us to keep going. Listen to that.
As we have said b4 you need help.
No it isnt easy it makes you feel like c**p you wont feel better staright away actually i feel worse today than i ever have.
But its a start to a new path. Its a step foward its a small win for us. Nothing about this life is easy and nor is it ever gonna be but you can be happy you can be that carefree girl again but you need to break free from him and learn to trust and love yourself.
Ask for help sweetie be brave and reach out. X

[Rainydays]

I need help – where do I go first ??

[Rainydays]

Please tell me if anyone else experiences this – whenever I receive his text messages detailing all the things I do wrong, how I’ve made his life a misery, how I need to (detail removed by moderator) ‘or I (detail removed by moderator)’ – my head hurts so much. I’ve started taking migraine relief because the pain in my head starts straight away now and there’s a pain in my chest. Feel like I’m sinking. Every day, text after text about me (detail removed by moderator), me have *** with other men because that’ll please him and turn him off and then he’ll be nice to me – it just goes on and on and my head hurts so much.

[Rainydays]

Sitting here now I feel so sick – scared and sick – tired and sick and my head is thumping, had another email telling me his life is a mess and if I got my act together and (detail removed by moderator) he could (detail removed by moderator) and be happy. I want to run but another part of me is saying no, the home we share is a sole tenancy in my name it is my only home, I chose it and I want to live there (it was my home before he moved in). Why do I have thoughts in my head that I should do more to help him, but not my (detail removed by moderator), it’s my only financial security for my life, however many years I have left. My only calm time is when he leaves the house in the morning and when he falls asleep at night. Then I come back and for the time in between I can be me and I suppose, I hide in those hours. But then the text messages start and the sickness/headaches/chest pains return and the darkness sweeps back over me. And I know I wish I hadn’t woken up again this morning because if I hadn’t it wouldn’t be hurting so much.

[Rainydays]

Hello – is there anyone out there who has had bullying – threats that if he doesn’t get what he wants, money, sex – in his words in his text messages to me – ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’
‘(detail removed by Moderator)’ – so – do as I’m told or else ????

[BlueberryField]

First of all I am so sorry you are going through this, reading your post and comments made me feel uneasy thinking of how you must be feeling.. None of it is your fault, and he is sick! Thinking it is okay to prostitute a woman you are supposed to love and care about. And the audacity to say that on top of everything you should be the one fully supporting him so he wouldn’t cheat.

It would be easy to just say kick him out or throw his things outside the door and change the locks while he’s away, but I know from my own experience it is easier said than done.

You do NOT deserve this treatment and him not being satisfied with his life it is none of your fault either. If he wants to live abroad and not in England with bad weather he should work his lazy a*s more and earn it for himself. You are not his mother and he is not a small boy. It is not your responsibility to fully support him. Don’t let him manipulate you into taking all of your money out, all he will do be nice to you until he spends all that money and it will go back to him being nasty again. Him threatening, that he will cheat, probably because he has already done it or is doing it. Mine was and is doing the same and just recently I caught him. You are not worthless, he is. And there is hope for you to live a happy life!

Please consider contacting women’s aid, they can and will support you in this without any pressure! And you will get advice on what could possibly be done in your situation and will direct you to other relevant support! Just keep in mind they are busy and might take a couple days to reply.

You are not alone in this! All of us might not be able to support you physically in real life, but we are all here to listen and you can always send a private message to myself or any of the other lovely ladies on here, we will all listen I can promise as long as it is safe for us to log into this forum.

Keep posting, sending you a big hug! x

[BlueberryField]

I just wanted to add a couple things.
Him blaming you for everything only because you don’t cash in your pension. I will not advise you to say that directly to him, because I would not want you to get physically hurt by him if he tried to attack you, but what has he given to you, for you to cash in your pension and lose your future for him? Just so he doesn’t cheat? Mine does the same sometimes, just for other reasons not for money, if I refuse to do something I always get blamed that he wasted best years of his life on me, that everything is my fault and that I don’t deserve him. But thinking facts, HE DOES NOT DESERVE ME. I was the one who paid all bills for a few years, while he was saving up his to spend on parties, clothes and save up for his business. In nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years I only got a birthday present from him (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) for Christmas! While he expected me to get him something every year for Birthdays and Christmas! He told me many times before that I should allow him to sleep with other women and not say a word because he was with me during his prime years. And I have told him to his face before that he has not given me anything in this life that I should allow him to sleep with other women. I am the one who still pays 90% of all bills, buys food, pays for HIS car, while on top of that all I get is being emotionally and physically abused, humiliated and cotrolled. And I have never forced him to stay with me all these years. He was free to go and sleep with other women and leave me to live my life in peace. He said the same thing yesterday. But difference is now that I just ignore those talks now, because I KNOW we have no future and there will not be one. I don’t want that future and I don’t want him anymore. I would rather live the rest of my life single than waste another few years with him being humiliated, disrespected and abused.

[weather]

Dear Rainydays,

I am so sorry you’re having to endure such an abusive situation and clearly being coerced into such acts of self-harm. My abuser also coerced me sexually and economically. Since leaving my abuser I have just met more men like my abuser and accepted my life as a single person. I sincerely hope that you’re able to seek help soon and place yourself in a much safer location where you’re away from the abuser. I realise it isn’t easy and you’ll need all the strength and support you can muster to get out of this situation.

Please keep on posting here if you need any further support.

Hoping you stay safe and well,

Weather

[Rainydays]

Firstly sorry.

I feel like such a lost cause.

Read my own threads on here and …………….

Need to talk to someone today though.

He says he’s in a bad way, mentally. That’s my fault. I force him to go to a job he doesn’t like, for a boss he doesn’t like and – back to the usual – (detail removed by moderator) Not have to go to a job he hates, for a boss he hates. So his bad mental health is my fault and I should put it right (detail removed by moderator)

He says I don’t give him sex/intimacy – how do you do that when all he wants from me is my pension, money and to give him sex. We have no cuddles, there’s no touching of any kind. (detail removed by moderator)

(detail removed by moderator) I feel so sick and whereas I used to take pride in my clothes, how I look – now I just wear black, try to hide, merge with the crowd, I’m scared of anyone looking at me in case he gets to know and then he’ll want to know why I didn’t flirt with them and more.

Where we live is in my sole name, my tenancy and I can financially cope with its outgoings on my own. I know I should change the locks, get his stuff out – but now I have to admit that I am scared. Scared of him, what he’ll do and worst of all that he might show up at my work – I’d be mortified. Work is my only sanctuary.

It’s always my fault, everything is my fault – he takes no responsibility for anything. Everything I do, say, wear is wrong. He’s miserable, always swearing about other people and at the television and calling everyone the c…t word which makes me sick to my stomach. My theory is say nothing and then he won’t start shouting and yelling and telling me how useless I am but that’s wrong, I’m a moody b***h with nothing to say for myself and that means (in his head) I’m admitting that I’m wrong and that I know it’s my fault he hates his life.

When I leave work, I’ve found a lay-by and sit there for sometimes an hour, until it feels like I have to go home, but I walk through the door and he doesn’t even look up, not a word, I cook dinner, sort washing etc etc, eat in silence, wash up, he slopes off to bed – that’s it Monday to Friday. If I ask what he wants to do at the weekend – I get ‘why do I have to decide?’ ‘you’ll do what you want’ – he doesn’t decide though, he does nothing, moves from bed to sofa and watches tv all weekend. But that’s my fault – that he has no life – then back to the usual (detail removed by moderator)

He wants ‘us’ to move because he doesn’t like where we live. (detail removed by moderator)

Am I really such a bad person …………… can’t remember who I am now. Feel lost, sick, scared, alone – all I hear is – his life is so bad because of me, everything is my fault, everything ……..

[Rainydays]

I don’t want s.x with strangers, I don’t want to dress like a tart – just want to live a life, nothing grand, nothing excessive ……………. but there’s no life – not unless I bring strange men home for s.x in front of him (detail removed by moderator)

[Rainydays]

Have to write.
Been physically sick all morning.
(detail removed by Moderator).
He smashed a hole in the wall. Slamming doors so hard, throwing things. Shouting, spitting in my face – his face right in mind, couldn’t get away.
Abused everything – me, my family, my life, how I look, what I do – how I look like (detail removed by Moderator), don’t do what he tells me/what I’m told, a disgrace to my parents – that if I even think of calling the police, he’ll destroy me, my job, my life – ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’, he’d (detail removed by Moderator) but can’t be bothered but I shouldn,t think he won’t. He’s going to find women to have sex with since I’m a (detail removed by Moderator)’ and it went on, and on, and on …………
I’m going to buy a tiny security camera today because how else will anyone believe me, it would be his word against mine.
And he’s drinking, bottles and bottles of wine.
Oh God – help

[lover of no contact]

Hi Rainydays,

My heart goes out to you having been on the receiving end of his demonic behaviour. I remember clearly when my sibling behaved similarly to me, smashing a hole in the wall, the screaming and the cursing at me while my mother joined in. It was a horrific experience, although the anger I felt after helped me to stay away from them for (detail removed by Moderator) which was great as he was in addiction and I didn’t have to deal with his chaos or behaviour after that, (other people did though because they never change). Remember the 3’C’s. You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Change it. The only one who can change is you.

I remember being frozen when I was with my ex husband and didn’t want to leave as I had many children and I knew they would stay with him. But I got myself plenty of support. Which you have done by posting on here. Please keep posting. His relentless pressure on you to cash in your pension and sleep with other men is soul destroying. My ex relentlessly pressurised me too with different demand and kept it up as I wouldn’t give into his demands and that pressure is awful. From my experiences I would say keep reaching out for support. Can you ring the chat-line on here. Lean on their strength and experience. He has you terrorised with his threats. I remember being terrified to act, to change things, to even call the police. Could you tell your GP. Is there a rape crisis phone line that you could ring,they might help you with his coercion to have sex with other men. Tell as many supports as you can. Keep speaking out. I went to the Police week after week to just tell them about his threats and they would document them and reassure me he couldn’t carry these threats out. I didn’t want the Police to get involved directly with him I was too scared at that time but it helped to go to them after each aggressive incident of his behaviour and get them logged as I felt I was at least doing some action. If you can’t just leave immediately could you decide to at least go through the things you own with a view to if you ever did decide to get a new tenancy without him. Visualise how to pack up your clothes, books, paperwork, ornaments and photos. That’s all you own. You need to be away from him, with your possessions with a different roof over your head. I found it very helpful to visualise this. Keep posting💜.

[Babyface@]

Hi there I’m sorry he sounds just awful 😖 so cruel to you. My advice to you would be pack up in secret. Get all your documents together and your essentials. Arrange through women’s aid to go into refuge. My close friend did this her ex was of the stalker variety. She escaped from him totally but this is how she first left. You need to wait until you know he’s definitely at work. Have someone with you if you can when you leave with your things. Sort out your flat later from a distance. You then need to go no contact with him. Block him on everything. This is the hard part because we’re trauma bonded to these men. You need proper expert back up the whole way through this. We can support you. The police will protect you, WA will guide you and your GP cam get you therapy. You can do this and this is how I know many have.

I think this guy is very dangerous

You need to protect yourself.

Devise your plan. Refuge is actually OK sometimes you get your own flat. I know it’s scarey but from a practical point these are your first steps.

Keep your cards close to your chest until your safely away.He can’t do anything.

My ex would think twice about contacting me now as I’m a stranger to him. It’s very hard to believe but that’s honestly how it is for me with him xx

[StrongLife]

Have you considered counseling and lawyer supports. These are free for domestic violence situations.

Some services can also organise other services for you.

[Author]

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