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I am paying 6months rent in cash to the agency via a bank deposit. I did a final count of all the money last night. I have a bit of spare cash to furnish the place, beds and a sofa are the priority.
During the week, as he knows nothing, I will bring the basic items by buying from charity shops. I have to carry on working too so that’s going to need lots of organisation.
I want to pick my child from college today and show the house, It’s lovely. The garden is great, nice and wide. The area is quiet, well kept.
It took me two years to save up, hiding my cash in obvious places, I mean by that my coat pockets. The hardest bit has been to avoid having him putting my coat away, because of the weight. £50 notes have helped. It’s less bulk.
I feel a bit like Julia Roberts, very melodramatic of me. But I won’t be putting primroses on the kitchen window sill, it will be a tea set bought by my friend.
I sometimes wake up with dreams that are partly nightmares, nothing depicting violence, rather images of me stuck in a raging spirit wondering why this and why that. I don’t think my brain ever truly recognised he is mad, weird, strange.
I fear living in that house, waking up to reality bit by bit, It’s the amount of weird behavioural situations I have lived which will slowly make sense to me, ie realising the full emotional abuse imposed on me and the kids.
It’s so gradual, subtle, strange, you dismiss more and more but it just lingers in your mind.
I want to learn to live alone, I need to face that as a pre separation to gather speed and confidence I am doing the right thing by divorcing.
I will feel strange for a while. And then i have to tell him i am renting and moving out fully. I don’t know when or how.
He started doing lots in the house yesterday, but I know why. It won’t change anything and I felt so bad and guilty, so bad and guilty, full of doubts and fear of moving, asking myself how can I adapt better to him. But I promised myself to carry through with my actions and move out, learn to live alone, offer a peaceful home for the adult kids who want to follow me. I have to do it and not be a coward. I keep listening to videos on YouTube to boost positive minds, be yourself, take action, fulfil yourself. And my friends keep in touch to keep me on my tracks. If I back off I will let them down.
Let time do the rest…it will all fall in place.
I must keep going. -
Fantastic news. Do not tell him until you have moved out. I wouldn’t tell your child either as it may put him in a difficult position if his dad finds out he knew. You are absolutely doing the right thing. I posted the Bill of Right for women. Print that and put it on your fridge X you will be fine. You have lots of support. Enough is enough……. Onwards and upwards X
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Thank you KIP, your encouragement means a lot as I feel utterly melodramatic and stupid. But I am working on my feelings, partly denial, I laugh it all, all the time. Sometimes I wonder if i am normal. But this morning i read again about trauma bonding, my goodness that’s my problem, co dependency too with keeping on hoping I can fix him…i clearly can’t and his recent remarks prove it…
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Hi Bridget,
You are doing fantastic. Thank you for taking the time to post and let us know. So many ladies will benefit from your small step of putting away money, bit by bit under cover. I love the coat pockets idea!
Also in the last few years your action of posting on here and working on your feelings that were keeping you trapped to the abusive relationship, has paid off in that you can take such a positive action today. You have put in so much hard work. Step by step, little by little, one day at a time to get to where you are today. Well done.
Helplessness and feeling we can’t do anything to get out of our abusive relationship is part of the abuse. And then when the abusers are nice (well not nasty) we relax and then don’t do anything (well we’re busy, child-rearing, doing all the housework, maybe paid work or paying off debts and then we have our emotions to deal with that the abusers’ purposely trigger). Its all too much. But the small steps done daily count. Even if its only to read one post on here, that’s still a step in the direction of getting free.
I agree with KIP, don’t tell your child of your plans. Contain your plan of escape to us on here and your close friends/therapist. Make sure you’re well and truly gone and safe in your new rental property before your children know. Abusers are astute. They know us and the children so well. They will notice your ‘hope’ and ‘good mood’ and’ lessened anxiety’ and that of your child.
It is crucial he doesn’t know. Leaving an abuser is the a dangerous time. They don’t want to lose control.
Keep posting we are with you every step of the way.
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Hi Lover of no Contact.
It’s taken me over a year to save up and the most obvious places are the best i found. I could honestly tell you a few. I have learned a few tricks…sad.
I got the keys, met the agent who asked why I wasn’t moving in straight away. I ventured to tell her, she was gob smacked.
The heating is on. I have to clean the place a bit first, buy furniture too. It’s so empty…i picked up mail about water, electricity etc for The Occupier, and will do what’s necessary for direct debits, I have kept money to survive.
My daughter has started mailing people on selling sites. I would like a week, no more, to sort furniture so tomorrow I will visit charity shops and get them to deliver.
I am saying nothing to anyone, only my friends know, they all worry about safety…while I laugh it off, but if the therapist says get out, I am. He is actually involved in Court too, cannot say why, I admire his multi roles, clever man. I am in a process of transference, where you start having feelings for a therapist, I knew it and recognised it because I read and study a lot of things. But at least it boosts my ego a bit, never mind. I have not been “fed” emotionally for decades, so the transference is unsurprising. I am glad I know, so as not to look like a fool.I have also picked up on new work, cannot say, but volume is coming, that will keep me financially afloat and mentally busy, as I can feel the lows invading me.
I went back to my house and found it a palace in comparison, so hard not to compare but I keep saying to myself I went to a refuge and never wondered one bit if I would like it, I just went.
So…Julia Roberts or not, this morning i realised the window sill is too small for geraniums, so primroses it will be, like hers…
The money deposit for thousands of Pounds got cleared by the bank, I watched the bundles of notes, one thousand Pounds after another go through the cashier’s counting machine…it gobbled the lot, that’s 6 months of freedom to rebuild and grow.
I am booked on a program following the Freedom Program, to build self esteem and confidence. Just keep going, don’t fall for it again I say all the time. And when in doubt, read back, read and read some more.
Now I know why women don’t recognise abuse at home, but see it in someone else’s. We can dish out advice, but we find it impossible to take it, minimisation and normalisation.
God I wish schools could run lessons on abuse lead by victims…education is the key, it really is…
But I am hoping to reform the world…so I will stick at pouring my own experience on this site, and warning those around me, starting with my children.
Palaces can be prisons, that’s what i will remember.
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Well done Bridget. You’ve come a long way. Just keep going. One day you will trust yourself. Words to myself and everyone.
I trust myself more. I left with nothing £10,000 debt. I have a little cosy home which sometime I find too big for just me after living in rooms for so long.
It is worth it. Time to live again.
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Well done this gives me so much hope! You are so strong and you have done so well getting this all in place.
I am on the first step of getting out. You’re post gives me so much hope!! I’ve been saving the last year as much as I can just in case so I have enough for a deposit. Any spare notes he’s left around I’ve kept and saved (terrible I know but I know he’s going to do everything in his power to try and destroy me as he has way more money than me) and now I just need to find somewhere to live.
I wish you all the strength and love in the world! Like you say time to live again. Good luck and keep posting!!
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Well done for getting this far, I know it’s taken an enormous amount of strength.
As for telling him a) Wait until you’re safely out of reach and b) What do you owe him? Has he afforded you reason and dignity? Personally, I wrote a letter explaining my reasons for leaving and what contact I would tolerate going forwards. I knew if I spoke to him directly, he’d twist my words and try to alter my decision.
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Hi Bridget
In so pleased for you and really excited for you too.
It’s been a long time coming but you’ve made it at last. Have fun collecting your furniture – I enjoyed my rather eclectic mix when I moved out it was all so diverse nothing matched anything but strangely it went together perfectly.
I’ve slowly replaced sone items and have given some back to charity shops so am recycling my things to help others.
Have fun in your new home and smile as you furnish it and most important of all – don’t look back. -
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Bridget,
Have to add my best wishes for you and your children!
It’s SO inspiring to hear your journey!…brave strong wise woman you are!
I too love the hiding the money in the coat…the primroses & cheers to your new future.
It’s going to be the best you can make it! 🌸Keep going lady we are with you all the way
Hugs
Cx -
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Today : Work, then something to do with transport (cannot say), hunting for furniture so bed frames bought at Sue Ryder as well as a coffee table, seeing a sofa too and will decide if i buy it, It’s new but I could keep it for the future, quilt covers (a luxury) to welcome my last child, hoping that child will feel like following me as upsetting times caused by dad have had an impact on said child, more work later on (with extending volume next week)
Must : Sort direct debits water, electricity, gas.
Cleaning soon, before bringing in essentials but dropping food, tins, plates etc, bit by bit.
Making lists of essentials
Measured one room for work, it fits perfectly as I need space.
Bringing bird table, a must for me. I cant touch the garden, but I can bring in nature 😀 -
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Hi Bridget
You say you can’t touch the garden. My landlady said the same but when I asked if I could plant some things temporarily ( the borders were totally bare!) and then remove and return garden to as it was – she agreed. When she visited she was happy with what I’d done. I also had lots of pots which were lovely and I changed the plants with the seasons.
I’m sure you are loving this time building a new nest and filling it with happiness for you. There’ll be some down days too but don’t worry you’ll get through them x*x -
Well done for rebuilding your life with such positivity!
I have been moving some of my stuff out of my house gradually into a friends garage hoping my husband is not going to notice
I know I can only take the essentials and a few sentimental things
the rest I will have to leave behind
It is hard not being able to tell my grown up children until I am safely away from him
I am hoping to be out in the next few days or soYou have given me hope that my life after such a very long marriage will be better
I will also buy a primrose to put on the window -sill
I will think of all you brave women that have inspired me to escape when I look at it -
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Bridget…your an inspiring woman…I’m reading your words and crying with happiness for you and realising things that we all share.
The bird table made me think of my lovely little house (removed by moderator), that was also the noose around my neck…and the bird table is INSPIRED! I am getting a bird table asap. It’s a metaphor for my future (& luv birds!)
It’s such a beautiful thing & it reminds me of the things I’ve left behind, my nice things ( they do exist!) it will reconnect me to me, in such a small yet deeply powerful way.Thanks So so much for sharing I really appreciate it
X C
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Hi to you all, and a massive thank you to ALL OF YOU
Gas, electricity, water and waste water charges sorted, broadband and landline too. Some dishes etc sorted. TV licence soon.
I cleaned some rooms not left in a clean enough state by the previous tenant. My daughter helped me and she was really chirpy and sang songs while dancing like a mad girl, it was unbelievable. She said she wants to buy me a set of jars for coffee etc to celebrate my courage, her exact words.
My friend popped round and bought me a hoover. I am so grateful.
I have bought some new sofas to be delivered in 3 Weeks so that I have a decent living room for my kids and I am hoping my youngest will love it in my home. He told me he is feeling down again like he felt when he first got in CAMHS. It worries me.
I have experienced low mood twice this week, crying, depressed but only for a short while because I protect myself straight away by reading up on abuse, positivity etc and I keep exercising. I run x times a week, 45mn non stop. I work on my core muscles and general physical condition to stay fit and healthy on the days I don’t run. It takes extreme dedication but it’s a ritual for me. It keeps me focused and acts like a grounding tool. I did the same at the refuge.
I have started a program for survivors of abuse, to focus on the future. It’s great and puts an added perspective that I am not imagining the abuse we experience/d. If I don’t look for support, in whatever shape, I will be likely to fail in attempting to leave, I clearly know it by recognising the psychological salad going on in my head. I am able to tell myself off and force myself to stay focused and keep believing in a happy future. Recognising I deserve a happier life will come later, I will also work on that.
I have organised a really nice event for part of my family. A treat. And I look back at the Christmas time we experienced and I have vowed that neither Christmas nor birthdays will ever resemble what we live right now. I want to buy bits and bobs throughout the year and save for a meaningful birthday present for each of my children.
I have to transfer money from my savings to my normal current account till I get some money in from the job I do. I have totalled my regular outgoings without food etc. I have a plan for discretely sorting that out. I won’t be far from my normal home, so I know what to do. Cannot say.
He is acting like the perfect husband, except for one thing, cannot say. But it involves a lot of psychological manipulation which I avoid by no contact.
I am organising mattresses etc next week with a friend. I still have to buy curtains for the bedrooms and I have spotted bargains once I know the measurements of the windows.
It’s all falling into place. The main worry will be knowing exactly when we leave, and money to live. My work will hopefully be enough to cover the costs.
I also need to fix a routine on other minor things. Shopping after 6.30 for reduced prices on fresh food etc, set certain rules on spending, transport, and one particular habit I must have to gain more earning power.
I must also develop the art of recognising my strength and courage because I constantly put myself down.
Tonight I filled in the first page of a journal we were given at the program. It reminds me of the film Freedom Writers. Today was filled with shocking behaviour on his side, but we are so used to him that I wrote the details as if nothing shocks me anymore. One day i will read all this and ask myself how did i ever put up with all this…
The battle isn’t over, but I have the defense mechanisms in place. At least I think I do. -
Last night he drank again.
I will check the bottle of spirit left in x room, I know the amount of wine he drank, I saw the bottle this morning. But I will check the spirit one.
He slept in x room and doors were left open, an indicator of having drunk.
I am out in a lovely warm shop, making lists of items to prepare and things to do.
Need to sort out council tax, ooops.
The mist is everywhere, It’s beautiful to watch, people are beginning to fill the shop. I can hear sirens from boats in the distance. I feel free already because I don’t mind being by myself.
I told my daughter today not to listen to negative people. My dad filled my ears full of doubts all my life. Life is a challenge, but if you don’t try, you don’t give yourself a chance to succeed.I woke up at 5am, brought a coffee up to drink in bed and put on another YouTube video on changing your mindset. I know I have a positive one, I just need to stay focused and chase the past away.
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