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This topic contains 6 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  BeautyMarked 2 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #85146
     marmaladechamp 
    Participant

    It fills me with absolute dread but tomorrow is the day that I have planned to leave him. It’s my second attempt, broadly similar to the first one but with a bit more understanding of his behaviour and support from WA. I am terrified at the thought of leaving and abandoning him as he believes I am doing. I am, but I can’t see any other way.

    For a moment I so desperately wanted to give him another chance and support him in getting the help he needs but already he is proving that he isn’t doing it for himself, his biggest motivation is that I have said I will leave him and that’s not right. I don’t believe he understands the impact his temper has on me. It’s going to be so hard packing my stuff up tomorrow when he is out but I genuinely believe it’s the best thing for the both of us.

    I need to move on and be free. I need to regain my confidence and self-esteem and feel comfortable in my own space. I need my indepedence back and to be free from his constant questioning of my commitment to him and the relationship/engagement.

    What I am most worried about is his reaction after he finds my letter. He has threatened suicide a few times and I just don’t know if he means it and I keep thinking what if he actually hurts himself. I will have pushed him to it. His family will also be shocked because on the outside we have a seemingly perfect relationship and they have tended to just brush off his angry outburts but I can’t do it anymore.

    I am so scared but I keep thinking this time next week/month/year I will be happy or at least on the way. It will be nearly a month since I discovered what he was doing to me was actually abuse.

    How did you leave? Did you write him a letter, send him a text/phone call?

  • #85147
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    i dont have much to give as far as advice in leaving in a planned way. i left many times but often i fled with him there – i literally ran – but after a few days i went back (many times) in the end the police warned him to stay away and that was it. what i can advise on is the threat he will kill himself – this is highly unlikely its a very common tactic tho xx if you do get a message from him along these lines call him an ambulance. he won pull that one again. it is not your responsiblity you definitely have not pushed him to this he has lead you into this situation xx i can 99% guarantee he wont harm himself xx

  • #85151
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Good luck for tomorrow, be safe and keep focusing on the positive life ahead without him. As DIY said and also a policeman I spoke to when my husband was leaving – it is extremely rare that someone who threatens to kill themselves actually does so. It’s just another way to get you to stay. Don’t listen to him. Xx

  • #85155
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    Sending you strength for tomorrow.

    I’ll echo the same advice. My abuser talked about suicide on many occasions. Not once did he actually do anything. It’s tactics and manipulation.

    Anything he does do is his own choice. You are not to blame. You will not have pushed him into anything. If he contacts you to say he’s doing something get someone else to check on him, or as was said, call an ambulance.

    Then block him and go no contact. It is the best thing you can do. For yourself, and if you are of that mind, for him too.

  • #85158
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    my ex said all off this – what he actually did was went on a diet ran a marathon and went back to study ! good for him it was a big difference from his pie eating days (and supposed depressed days) when he was with me lol x*x

  • #85165
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    Think about it , Champ, darling. If you really were the only thing stopping him killing himself, how was he alive when you met? And why isn’t he endlessly grateful for the stability you bring him?

    Yeah, it’s rubbish. One person just cannot supply mental stability and a reason to live to another human being.

    If he does claim to be suicidal after you leave and manages to let you know, check where he is and then dial emergency for the police. They have to go if a life is at risk. If he’s bluffing, they’ll be plenty annoyed. If he’s genuine, they’ll get him help. Either way, it will be out of your hands and he probably won’t try it again!

    You are not the cause of his problems; you are not qualified to fix his problems; you are not responsible for trying to fix his problems.

    Flower x

  • #85168
     BeautyMarked 
    Participant

    As others here have said, this is a classic abuser move. Everything I’ve read also mentions this as a manipulation tactic. These behaviours are like a script that they all seem to know – whether it’s on a conscious or an unconscious level I do not know. It’s bizarre. They really grasp at anything to avoid losing control I suppose. If he is genuine, it’s not fair of him to dump that responsibility on you. Indeed I don’t really think anyone genuine would put this kind of responsibility on anyone, quite the opposite in fact. If he’s not genuine and you call for help, he’ll be exposed for his manipulation. This is about you now. Focus on your needs because he is not. He managed to get you to stay and he messed it up. And he messed it up because he had no intention of changing his abusive ways. They like to test how far they can push, how much they can get away with. They are disgusting predators. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could and more. Much more than he deserves. This is about you now and you deserve to be free of his controlling ways x

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