Too Ashamed to seek help

[TooAshamed]

Is this abuse? If I’m asking the question probably the answer is yes. And why can’t I leave?

I have been with my partner for long time, we don’t have children. There are good periods, during which he is a loving and caring partner and I have felt happy in the relationship.
Then there are bad periods…and they are really bad.

My partner suffers from depression and was abused as a child. But he refuses any help. Has started therapy then stopped. He spends long periods in bed, worse since he lost his job, he stops washing, he rarely leaves the house and he drinks. He doesn’t drink much, but (detail removed by moderator) are enough for him to behave erratically and talk non-sense. He acts and sounds insane, he becomes paranoid and very agitated. He is rude to people, even strangers.
He loses his mind and spends hours shouting and swearing, he calls me all sort of names and accuses me of lying over trivial issues.

On (detail removed by moderator)occasions I have called the police because he was self-harming and (detail removed by moderator) , and was smashing stuff. The police calmed him down but didn’t remove him from the house. My experience with the police was awful, they were extremely patronising and practically blamed me, I would not want to call them again.

When he drinks, I leave the house and stay at a friend, the next day he is sorry and says he is trying hard to stop drinking.
He has never hit me and he doesn’t control me, I can go out and see friends, I work…but I am so ashamed of the situation that I have stopped seeing friends and I avoid talking about my relationship.
The few times I have discussed it with friends they told me (detail removed by moderator) cause I don’t leave. I know very well that his behaviour is unacceptable, and that having mental health issues is no excuse. I have isolated myself because I feel ashamed, I know I should just leave but I can’t bear to think him alone and homeless.

We live in my house. If this wasn’t my house, I would have probably left. If he was to pack up and go, I would be relieved. But the idea of throwing him out, either locking him out or getting a court order, is too much for me. I have started counselling, but I find I just keep repeating the same things and I can’t make a decision.

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

So sorry to read of your situation, this really is an awful way for you to be living. However, please do not feel ashamed in any way. You are in this situation because you care, and you care too much.

You are putting your own happiness way down below his. Your partner does sound like he is very depressed, but if he has ‘mental capacity’ then he is able to make decisions how he approaches his situation. He says he wants to stop drinking and is trying hard to stop drinking. Apart from the words he tells you, what exactly is he doing to try and stop drinking? I’ll bet it’s nothing. So he’s just telling you meaningless words that you are believing because that’s what you’ve been conditioned to accept.

Your partner has actively chosen to stop seeking help and support for his situation. That is absolutely fine, it is his choice, but that doesn’t mean that you have to continue to live with the consequences of the choices he makes. If he is actively choosing to stay living in this type of mindset and life that’s up to him, but you don’t have to choose that for you.

Getting him out of your house is the thing that’s a bit harder, but there are still options. You could tell him directly that you want him to leave as this relationship is not working for you any more, and you could give him a clear calendar month (or two if you’re really generous) and tell him you want him to go. Put this in writing too, either by sending him an email or getting a solicitor to send a letter. The reality is he will probably ignore this and think that you’re being ‘dramatic’ or ‘over reacting’ so in one or two months when he is still there and hasn’t actively sought out anywhere else to live, you have some further evidence to add when you apply for an Occupation Order to get him out of your home. Your evidence will show he has been given some time to look for somewhere else to live and he hasn’t, therefore, he isn’t ‘suddenly’ homeless if he is directed to leave, and the onus is fully on him to find somewhere at short notice. He really isn’t going to leave of his own accord, why would he when he can live with you for free?

Another option is if he gets hospitalised for any of his mental health conditions. Once he has left, you do not have to have him back. You contact the Safeguarding Team at the hospital and tell them that he is not welcome back due to the abuse and they will have to intervene and help find him somewhere to be released to, otherwise he will be released to homelessness. If he is mentally ill then the Safeguarding Team will liaise with the Council, and he may be given a room at a B&B and go on the homeless list.

Are you in contact with your local Crisis Team? When he is having episodes of paranoia and calling out nonsense etc, ring them, or ring 999 for an ambulance for a MH concern. The ambulance service can take him to hospital if he volunteers to go with them and he can get a MH check up. That’s where you have the option to then refuse to have him home due to your own safety.

If you continue to put his needs before your own then this is a life you will endure. If you put yours first, then you can end this situation. Do you end… or endure?

This is not a decision you are expected to make overnight, but it’s one to mull over, understand your options and seek them out. Life changing decisions are not easy ones to make, even when they can change our lives for the better. Both of you are living miserably, one of you has the power to change that.

Good luck x

[gettingtired]

Hello, I agree with Wants to Help. I recognise how your needs are being pushed down the line whilst his are being kept as the priority because that’s exactly how my relationship is. Mine abuses alcohol and drugs, says regularly how he wants to quit but that’s generally as far as it goes. I feel bad about myself because I feel like I’m enabling it but that’s out of fear. For example, if he asks me to pick him up alcohol from the shop or to lend him money (where I know it will be to buy drugs or alcohol) I usually agree but only because I know if I don’t there will potentially be a nasty blow up. It’s so toxic and I’m only now beginning to realise how wrong it is to be scared of saying ‘no’ to your own partner.
You’re not responsible for him; you’re not a rehabilitation centre or a dumping ground for his emotional outbursts. Yes it’s sad if he’s suffered abuse in childhood but it’s his responsibility to go and seek therapy for that. Not to project everything onto you.
Sorry if this is a bit of a jumbled up rant. I just recognise things you’ve said from my own situation. I know how hard it is to feel sorry for them when they have addiction problems or they’ve suffered growing up but I’m starting to get sick and tired of being an emotional punchbag.
I recognise the shame part too, I’ve lived with it for so long; feeling so embarassed about my situation with him. The reality is the only ones who should be ashamed is them, not us.
Take care xx

[Hebe]

I recognize so much of what you are speaking about. The paranoia and alcohol combination, the worry about homelessness as you recognize you have been handed the responsibility.

I once posed the question, what would happen if I did not do all this? It isn’t your responsibility to be the sole rescuer, as it is exhausting.

There are organisations to help shoulder the burden from the individual. Why would someone expect another person to do all this for them? If they have capacity, then they have the ability to make decisions for themselves. The hardest part is letting that happen, but I can vouch that it will, they survive. Even if you’re not there.

I second what Wants to Help says, please do not feel shame, you are a lovely person giving love to someone who does not value it or recognise it. Give yourself some of that love, you deserve it. President Roosevelt said , we have nothing to fear but fear itself. We all have a choice, with time, wisdom and care take the choice for your life to be better than it is now, without fear, with hope and joy. Many hugs to you. 🙂 x

[TooAshamed]

Hi all,
thank you for your replies, they make me feel a bit less alone.

I agree with all of you, I am putting him before myself, I am putting his happiness ahead of mine and he knows it so he takes advantage.
I have looked into an occupation order but, apart not being able to afford a solicitor, I can’t bring myself to do it. I know he will not move out, he will just stay in bed and cry and i will have to get the police to remove him.

As for getting him hospitalised…i have tried(detail removed by moderator) ago with both police and ambulance. He refused ambulance. I was hoping police would section him but they didn’t, even though he was self harming and was visibly drunk and agitated.

He has tried to cut down the drinking, a (detail removed by moderator) ago it was totally out of control, (detail removed by moderator)…now he manages (detail removed by moderator) without alcohol and (detail removed by moderator) day. (detail removed by moderator), where he did really well, and for a long period(detail removed by moderator) he was sober. The recent death of a family member has sent him off the rails, the(detail removed by moderator) have been hell. He is not violent, but I am stuck at home listening to someone who rambles incoherently.

To give you an idea of a typical day: (detail removed by moderator) we went for a long walk, we had breakfast (detail removed by moderator), we went(detail removed by moderator), we had a very good morning together and I really enjoyed. (detail removed by moderator) he started saying he feels anxious and he wanted beer, and ended up having a total of (detail removed by moderator). He talked in coherently till (detail removed by moderator). I had to shut up and listen, because if I dare telling him that he sounds insane, he then starts screaming…then he accuses me of screaming!

I know very well I should just kick him out, and I am looking into counselling because I have a huge emotional block. Now that he wants to go to (detail removed by moderator), I daydream a future in which studying could make him change (during (detail removed by moderator) he has done very well and been great) and I feel so stupid.

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