Too much time……

[Selene]

Have been on holiday and really struggling. It would have been his (detail remoed by moderator) th Birthday on monday and next tuesday is the (detail removed by moderator) anniversary of him attempting suicide. He died in 2013 after being in a vegetative state.
I stood up to him, I had him removed from our home, I was in disbelief that they believed me. I survived but i may not have to look over my shoulder, he keeps coming back in my dreams.
I haven’t really discussed what he did to me as i am embarrassed, and never grieved for him as i don’t think I have the right to.

I want to move on,I have remarried and just feel trapped by the past. I am okay if I keep busy but a complete mess when i stop. I really struggle to make friends as i think why would anybody want to get to know me, I feel boring and bland.

Has anybody else struggled? Any suggestions what I can do?

Thanks

[Confused123]

HI Hun

I always recommend cousnrlling to everyone, u need to discuss what happened and heal from it

[unicornsarelovely]

I agree you do need counselling, you also need to allow yourself to grieve. He may have been your abuser but you still had a relationship together and him passing away leaves you questions that can’t be answered. Grief is about a loss, you have lost your abuser and in that comes so many emotions, especially at special times like birthdays and anniversaries, as you will try and remember the good times, which can be heart breaking. Be kind to yourself.

[fizzylem]

Hi Selene, what a dreadful situation you found yourself in, sometimes suicide can be an attempt at one last aggressive attack – wondering if this applies here. Think it would be really good for you to find a therapist that you can build a therapeutic relationship with and make a commitment to see for some long term work together. It’s important to spend a little time finding the right therapist, someone you feel relaxed and able to talk to, someone you feel understands the issues (grief, loss, suicide, relationship trauma), has the experience to really help you, someone that can see you for as long as you need, maybe via one of the domestic abuse charities or a bereavement service like CRUSE or a trauma service, you could pay privately if you can afford it and check the BACP or UKCP website; or call the womens aid helpline and ask them for help finding what you need.

It sounds to me like you have done what you need to do to get through it – been in a don’t look back kind of survival mode maybe? And now all is good and still your mind becomes haunted with the past. Dreams can be very telling sometimes when they reveal our fears and desires. Seems to me that you need to talk about what happened, express how you feel and get some help to process it all, find a way to feel some peace within yourself – and this is possible in counselling. I think there could be a risk of destroying what happiness you now have if you don’t attend to this. The fact you’re on here maybe tells you that now is the right time? No one, including you can go through something like this alone. You have every right to be angry, tearful, sad, whatever emotions you are experiencing, but shame is awful to live with and you could shake this one off when you start to make sense of things a little more. Hope you find the help you need flower x

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