31st December 2016 at 1:08 am #35215browneyedgirlParticipant
Well I got to bed but can’t switch off. He posted his court response forms through the door (removed by moderator). Sure he shouldn’t have done as court ordet prevents him from coming to the housr but it feels like nobody is listening when I try to explain how his actions are done to exert control over me n kids. So I will just lay here scared unable to sleep chastising myself cos it’s not like he ever physicaly abused me. Then I feel how hard my heart is thumping, my fingers are tingling then I realise I am not breathing so I take a breath which then turns into a sob. Then I start to worry about the CAFCAS phone interview (removed by moderator) and how on earth can I get them to see what’s going on when Early Help can’t see it or the staff at the kids school or anyone (apart from a few close friends) at the church or even in the village. He had accused me of so much now that not only am I unsure of what is real and what is his lies bit I lose sight of what I am fighting for and panic that maybe it’s all in my head….maybe I am the abuser. In the back of my head I recall how near to ending my life I was back in (removed by moderator). everyone says how brave and strong I am but I don’t feel it yet they won’t listen. Maybe they would if I wasn’t here, maybe those dark thoughts are not so scary after all, at least forgetting to breathe wouldn’t matter then. Yup a bad day it is then. Feel like I am going mad.
31st December 2016 at 1:20 am #35217SerenityParticipant
Hi Brown- Eyed Girl,
Deep breaths. I know how you feel. My ex is still coming near my home, though he’s not allowed on my road.
The thing to remind ourselves is that they are behaving as they are because they are the weak, needy ones who need to get a reaction from others to feel strong. We don’t need to behave like they do, because we are naturally strong in ourselves. Remember this: you are strong. Don’t ever let him make you think you aren’t. He is terrified of you realising how strong you are, which is why he’s doing things to try to weaken you.
Log everything he does in terms of breaking the court order, with dates and times. You never know when you will need it.
I’ve been through CAFCASS. You will be ok. Just make the children’s needs your focus. Then they can have nothing to berate you for.
Your ex is relying on you becoming paralysed by fear at this time. Don’t let him get his way. As a friend told me, emotion is your enemy right now. Keep strong, plough ahead, deal with everything you need to. One day, you feel he able to look back and be proud that you came through it.
You can do it. Never forget your strength.
The abuse wasn’t and isn’t your fault. These abusers are power teams. Their way of operating is horrible. There will be a day, I promise, when things are more formalised and sorted and you won’t feel so uncertain. One day, you will feel the healing warmth of freedom in your soul. Hang out for that day x
31st December 2016 at 2:23 am #35218AnonymousInactive
Hi Brown eyed girl,
I just wanted to give you some moral support, everything serenity has said is spot on, none of this is your fault. They would have you doubting the colour of the sky if they thought they could get away with it. Please try and remember in your darkest hours how far you have come, you are out and it is incredibly hard but you have done it and I bet you never thought you could. We are here to support you online and the ladies at womens aid are at the end of the helpline. Plus the samaritans for those nights when everything is too hard for you to bear. You are never alone so please don’t feel that you are x
31st December 2016 at 11:00 am #35222jsscollieParticipant
You’re doing so incredibly well Brown Eyed Girl – and talking about how you feel is a really big achievement in itself. Just remember that you’ve come a long way and shown strength that you may not appreciate now but you’ll get through this. One day at a time and keep talking – I’m so proud of you for getting this far x
31st December 2016 at 2:51 pm #35242Confused123Participant
Think ladies have advice u perfect here, keep posting on here for support, its good u are talking, have u thought about keeping a diary, i found writing my thoughts down helped a lot
2nd January 2017 at 1:46 am #35322browneyedgirlParticipant
Thank you for the replies. I have tried to relax about the court case. Couldn’t get out of bed today after kids left for contact. Thankfully a friend came round and drew me round. Can’t sleep yet again but I am not tearful so that’s so start. Happy New Year to you all xxxx
2nd January 2017 at 8:36 am #35323older ladyParticipant
hello. i just wanted to offer you some support. actually, i haven’t slept all night, either. worrying. unfortunately this is what happens when you leave the abuser and take any steps to protect yourself from future abusive behaviour and the infringement of your rights. the intimidation continues. its one long relationship of coercion, through whatever means. the only way my daughter’s father has left to get to me is through our child. this is my only remaining fear. once she is a certain age, she and i will be free. your post reminds me how i felt years ago, when i wanted to get away from him. i was so afraid of everything and everyone, i had lost all confidence in myself and was afraid that if i tried to tell people what was happening to me they would laugh at me (because he always mocked and belittled me), think i was ‘mad’ (because he said it was all in my head), or not care enough to help (because i felt unimportant and worthless), or worse, blame me (because he told me i was responsible for his behaviour). these feelings are what the abuser has left us feeling and believing about ourselves. its a bit like being lost in the middle of a maze, and our abuser put us there. but its not real. its all his lies. can you remember a time when you felt more yourself, as you were before abuse? your stronger, happier self? i lost sight of myself for a long time because of the abuser. people who don’t understand about domestic abuse don’t understand this when they are involved with women who have or are suffering domestic abuse. they don’t understand what has happened to us and what is happening inside us. they can’t see it. its why we need the help of Womens Aid for example, people who actually understand domestic abuse and can advocate for us when we can’t at that moment in time. all your worries and doubts are understandable in the context of what you have suffered. we need time to recover from the devastating effects on ourselves and our lives of an abuser and the abusive events we have suffered. so while i know that you doubt yourself, when you are told you are strong its true. you prove that every time you feel afraid and keep going forward and because you are more than what the abuse has done to you. i lived through nightly fears for years. when i sat up alone, my child upstairs asleep. afraid of a man on the outside plotting to ‘destroy me’ (his words). i’m just a plain, ordinary woman, who’s getting older, looking after her child, yet this man still wants to ‘destroy me’. its frightening, but i have to tell myself that it isn’t real. it is what is in his head. its not me, its not my real life, its a man who is an abuser and its his problem. you are doing what you have to do to free yourself as much as you can from the abusive person in your life so that you don’t have to live with his problem. you are also, at the same time having to cope with the effects of the abuse, and its really difficult to do both things at the same time. but you can keep moving forward, because you will get that happier, stronger self back and you will see him for what he is and not doubt yourself. the court case is a means to achieve a goal for you of getting free from an abuser and keeping your children safe at the same time. he probably wants to make it look like its you versus him, its not. its just about a woman wanting to live a life free from abuse and being concerned that her children should be safe from the same abuse. take care, keep going, remember who you are and believe in yourself. xx
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