Torn on my decision

[ActionPlan]

Hi, I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) now. Now I look back the signs started really early on but at the time I thought it was his jealousy/insecurities of a new relationship.

(Detail removed by moderator) I would regularly run away to friends places to get away but he would always find me and sweet talk me into coming back with the million and one excuses he would have; his childhood, past relationship, scared of losing me etc. I started running away and staying in hotels so he wouldn’t find me until I told my dad and his wife what was going on, we developed a plan to get out for good and it worked for (detail removed by moderator) I was out, until I found out I was pregnant. He already had two children with his ex.

So we agreed steps for me to move back; he would move out and would go to weekly counselling and we would start from the beginning – dating and getting to know each other. He (detail removed by moderator) his keys and I felt like I was in control. However in this process I lost my dad, he couldn’t understand why I would go back after I’d got out. But we all know it’s a lot deeper than that, with or without a child involved. Since then we’ve not spoken, only to see each other a a funeral.

Things were great but he started to put pressure on me about moving back as he was staying at a friends and wanted to be home. I gave in of course and things were better 99% of the time, then the bad habits started to trickle back and I would work late to avoid coming home, say I was going to the gym but just sit in my car alone.

I knew all the mind games and excused but would let him use them and play to it for an easy life. I’d would always say when he started to be physical again I would leave, but that happened when I was pregnant and of course blamed myself for it, next time I’ll leave. Again and again.

When my son arrived, the reasons for not leaving turned to him, even my partner would use him as an excuse – you’re not taking my son, you can’t split up a family, etc. And I would listen.

Things have been here and there for (detail removed by moderator) now, I just live with the abuse and mind games, talking to no one about it, my son has never seen anything but I’m worried he may start to pick up on the coldness of my feelings towards him.

I’ve been battling with receiving therapy as I honestly can never get over what I’ve been through and the people I’ve lost from choosing him over and over again. We’ll never have a happy, healthy relationship and this weekend the realisation happened. I need to leave.

I finally told my mum I want to leave but not the reasons behind it, she’s trying to convince me not to leave; you have a nice house, what about your son, what about money – I can’t help you, where will you go, how will you pay for nursery fees etc etc. Surely these can’t be reasons why I should stay?

I thought I’d work it all out after I’d left but the more I think about living and my son and work, I don’t know any of the answers. I don’t have anyone I can stay with close to nursery or where I work. Going to my mums would leave me in a vulnerable position as he could find me, the commute to work would financially and tirelessly kill me!

He’ll never let me go quietly or with respect so I’m asking advice how to do this. My son has to come with me, I cant leave him.

[KIP.]

Hi, the good thing is you recognise abuse now and you know this man and how he will react so you have time to prepare. Start by contacting women’s aid. Keep a journal and report his abuse to your GP. Written evidence – really important so your journal, any texts, any email. Any witnesses to his abuse. Contact a solicitor for legal advice. Rights for Women have a free legal helpline and most solicitors will offer free initial advice. Start handing cash somewhere safe. Gather important documents. Birth cert. bank accounts. Mortgage statements. Passports etc. Start building a support network around you and stop listening to your mother. Listen to women’s aid and people who understand domestic abuse. As painful as it is you may have to reach out to your father again. Explain you were manipulated and threatened and traumatised by your partner and you made a mistake which you’re now trying to correct. Your child will definitely pick up on the abuse and learn from it, normalise it. Your number one reason for leaving now is your son. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. The threats you describe are extremely common. Could you rent a room from someone near to your work or would you consider a refuge with your son until you’re better placed? You know what his responses will be as you’ve already experienced it. If he is to remain in his child’s life you want supervised contact if at all. So make sure you keep all his threats etc as that will be your evidence should this get to court x talk to other survivors, read the posts on here too. Most abusers use the same tactics. Assume the victim role, blame and discredit the mother, exert pressure anywhere they see a weakness to regain control so zero contact is your way forward. Using a third party or contact centre.

[ActionPlan]

Thank you KIP. Lots of good advice. I would go to a refuge but again my mum made me feel bad about considering it, saying it would be no place for my son, he has nice things and a nice home etc. She shows a completely different generation of women! I remember everything but will start to log it and dates. I have all the messages of apologies etc. I’ve started reading why does he do this as I saw it in a post, will add living with a dominator to the list. It feels like it’s going to be a long planned processed but it’s achievable eventually surely. Thank you again. X

[KIP.]

Do what’s best for you and your son. Your mum doesn’t understand. No point in having nice things when your mental health is being destroyed and your child is learning from an abuser x stay safe x your child needs a strong happy abuse free mum x

[Darcy]

Hi My beautiful angel … actionplan,
Kip is right start gathering information and documents etc that you feel are important … although there’s nothing that cant be replaced
I left with just the clothes I was wearing and since then have pieced my life back together.
Your freedom feels better than anything you could have left behind, believe me everything will workout as soon as you close the door on him, the door to your new life will open… you just have to make that step.
As long as you stay with him you are telling the universe that’s all you deserve
Regarding family and friends that you have lost, if they are really there for you they will start to come back and support you, yes you may have to swallow your pride but isn’t that better than staying in a life you have no control over. Also once you are free of him you will soon begin to make new friendships and connections. Abusive men like isolate so this will never be possible while you are with him
My darling you and your son deserve to be happy, you need to start believing that and visualising a better life for you both
Sending you love and support
D xx

[ActionPlan]

Thank you Darcy. The isolation is real, I miss my friends and family so much. I have colleagues at work but even that causes issues at times. X

[Darcy]

My angel, Isolation is what they want so then they can spin your head around so you don’t know your opinion from theirs.
Along with the practical stuff, start to get yourself strong from the inside … try to give yourself as much self love as you can. He doesn’t have to know you are doing this… even as simple as when you go to the bathroom, smile at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you are strong, you are loved and you deserve a better life. You need to get back in your power.
Keep connected to the forum … you’re never so lost that your guardian angels don’t know where you are
Much Love
D xx

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