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Totally new tactic, I’m shaking!!
Never saw this one coming, but first some back story… he owned up to physically assaulting me- finally admitted it. (detail removed by Moderator) I spent four a long time away from him and build myself up, gained allot of knowledge about his sort. I’m still a sucker for him thought but I’m not even going to waist any more time hating myself for believing he’s changed.. at least I can truly now like myself and not think he was perfect and I was the problem… anyway this evening we were chilling out and in bed, playing about and he bit my arm, I’d bitten his finger at the same time so that’s not the issue really. I did say ouch for him biting me and he said sorry a few hundred times. I rolled over and he said something- I don’t remember what, I told him he’d bitten me and he denied it….. queue my utter shock….. I said ‘what, you literally just bit me, you said sorry for it but now you’re denying it’… then he said he knew he’d bitten me but it’s was a number of minutes prior to me saying ouch.. I didn’t know where to go from there so my sarcastic shield went up… I laughed a little and said ok… I said ouch and you said sorry to absolutely nothing then. He instantly got irate, defensive and a little angry… as if I were trying to set him up for something, it just didn’t seem to make any sense.. non of it did. He was telling me my ‘ouch’ was to him tickling my armpit and (detail removed by Moderator) (his words) meaning possibly pulling my arm a little hard.. of course I attempted to tell him that clearly wasn’t the case, he’d bittern me and I clearly remembered it. He then said he wasn’t denying that he’d bitten me but that it had happened earlier. At that point I was thinking this isn’t going anywhere… it’s pointless… i knew it didn’t matter what i said, he was always going to some how turn things… I repeatedly then said that i didn’t want to carry on with the discussion. He got dressed and went to leave numerous times but then never actually left. He told me he was worried, that I had flipped over nothing, that I was capable of anything, that what I was doing was scary. I said that I felt what he was doing was scary… I saw the rage in his eyes. How dare I say that.. but it was ok for him to say it to me first, he asked me to explain why he was scary and I asked him to explain why I was since he’d said it first. He repeated that I’d flipped over nothing. I said I hadn’t, that I’d merely reacted to something that he was then implying was in my head. I know it wasn’t in my head so what was the point in arguing over it. He said I was trying to make him look mad which I denied.. he gave his account again and I just said ok. He kept telling me I looked smug and I was full of myself… I know I looked that way… at points I was smiling but I honestly wasn’t enjoying the situation… I was in disbelief. I said if he thought I was smug then he didn’t know me very well. He said that I was obviously going to call the police on him if he left… I said I wasn’t which I’m not. I’ve only even called the police when he’s physically assaulted me. This was a play fight that was equal on both sides until he tried to manipulate me. Before he (eventually) left, he said if he went, that he didn’t want any essay texts or me calling him constantly.. since before we broke up, I can categorically state that I don’t do that.. and he’s not going to see this from my side so what’s the point in trying to talk… he kept saying he wanted to resolve it.. but how can that be resolved?! I even said as much to him. But then he said I was saying that I wasn’t going to talk to him ever again. I told him those words never came out of my mouth. I don’t know what the hell os going on in his head… he even calmed down minimally and said it was a misunderstanding, that I over analyzed it all… over think it all. It would be easy to convince me of that a while ago. I do over think but if anything, it’s to think of rational explanations- not ones to make him look more mad than he already does look…
I’m still shaking and in shock to be honest -
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From the outside looking in, you are harming yourself by still being involved with him in this way. Those circular arguments remind me very much of my ex husband. They went on for hours unless I just gave in. And then it would have to be all forgotten, which I would be happy to do in order not to feel like you do now. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I am with you on how hard it is to stay away, not from my ex husband, that is easy, but from the latest relationship I had which was bad for me and had to be ‘secret’. I am in such a bad way at the moment, I have a day next week in my head when I ‘could’ contact this person, to make me feel better.
This incident seems to be about power, his over you. Other ladies might have more in depth explanation to help.
Take care
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Hi, When you say he has admitted physically assulitng you and about to suffer consequences (detail removed by Moderator)
The men change tactics all the time, mine has over the years as they realise that some abuse like physical assault or other things that cannot be denied are obvious so they change to more subtler things, all to control us, mine knows he went too far at (detail removed by Moderator) so has not gone like that since but still uses any trick in the book to try to control me or undermine me, in the main itdoes not work does now as I know what he is up to.
If yours has been to court was it proved that he assaulted you if so he would have had to admit it really but inside he wil be so angry with you for calling the police and will in someway want to pay you back despite him maybe denying this, if hasjust admitted it to you , its to cover it over andget youback where hecancontrol you inany way he sees fit.
Most abusers cannot change without admiting its their issues and not ours and then the only way is for them to attend a perperttator cousre and councelling from someone who knows the dynamics of abuse and can challenge them, so see if he is willing to do either, butbeaware he may say he will just to look good to you but will not make the deep necessary changes, so dont hold your breath as it is not often they do change andgo through the necessary thingsto get to the roots of why they abuse and i have eben trying to get mine to do this this for years an he remains in denial and full of excuses.
Take care, xxxxxx -
He’s shown you how dangerous he is. How he can manipulate and destroy your self esteem and your confidence. Make you feel low again. My ex used to do these ridiculous things. Mirroring. It’s dysfunctional and confusing. Work on yourself and getting away from this situation. You were doing so well with no contact. I’ve been where you are and it only gets worse. Please get as much support as you can. You can be strong and independent and you don’t need this sort of trauma in your life. In a normal, healthy relationship you would and should’t be ‘shaking in shock’. Don’t waste your time trying to work him out. The bottom line is he is an abuser.
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Hi starmoon,
Its good you reached out for support and not try to deal with him on your own. These abusers wreck our heads and play with our mind and emotions. And now today he’ll be in your head, you’ll be focused on him ( not your own life and your two little babies) and his nonsense. It makes no sense what they say. They will say anything and everything to upset us. They don’t care what they say, they will lie, anything just to get inside our heads and upset us. The end justifies the means in their book.
Its crazy-making behaviour. I’ve saved this caption unto my phone to help me when I’m on the receiving end of abusers (I have a few at work) nonsense. Its…
“All I heard was blah, blah, blah
I’m a selfish b***h”.Tune him out, let him blah, blah, blah all he wants. Put your energy into your 2 gorgeous babies today. Put your time and energy into doing something nice for you today/self-care even if it is just tweezing your eyebrows.
Focus on you not him (I know how hard this is to do) and forget him and his bad mouth.
Keep posting and start working on that first step to get out of your abusive relationship with him. You got away from him before but he hovered you back into a relationship with him. Its very hard to get away from our abusers for good. Most of us usually go back a few times before we can stay away for good. They are very manipulative and cunning and work hard on keeping us where they want us so they can hurt us so the can get their ‘pathetic’ high out of our distress and our emotions.
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Exactly what the ladies said above. My ex would argue that black was white and if I agreed that white was black.
Tactics always change. My ex will quite blatantly contradict earlier conversations or rewrite past events its like arguing with donald trump sometimes.
Keep your self believe don’t let him make you question yourself it is so easy to say this but impossible to do when you are in this situationn but try.
These men are so clever I am only just starting to see how clever he is and its funny but even knowing he is manipulating me I am still allowing him to that is what is so hard I know what he is doing and it is still working -
Hi
Yes I agree with all the above advice. it’s very tough being on the receiving end of the cycle of abuse until you reach…the lightbulb moment…I have just read & responded to a Bridget Jones is Free post about this.Yes your right ladies ..it is a vicious circle which will keep going round and round. It’s a way of keeping us under control & manipulating ….difficult to understand and no wonder we become confused as we question ourselves…though deep down there’s a strong message filtering though …that’s difficult to come to terms with.
Like omg is this really what I think it is? Is he really making this choice to mess with my head & wreck my life?
Just before I told him to get out, I thought you know what…all I have here is problems (caused by him) & never any solutions ( that I tried & tried) I realised I was rowing my own boat, so to speak, and he had NO positive input, he was a drag, a bore, a skinflint, selfish, abusive, a liar and the list goes on!
I had to face up to this …Like you all have ….and think ok this isn’t going to improve, we are still in the same place as X years ago…I’m kidding myself that it will ever chance.
As he has it the way he wants it. I don’t.I picked up on Dr George Simons books ‘In sheeps clothing’ and ‘character disturbance’ a top psychologist who has dedicated his work to confronting males like this…definitely enlightening and empowering reading material!
Big hugs, brave ladies xx
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Ditto all the above! Those circular conversations were exhausting, soul-destroying and a complete waste of life.
Cuppa I followed your link yesterday and foot very interesting and helpful, so thank you. As he says, it’s like trying to rationalise with a four year old who’s having a tantrum. Impossible.-
I think teenager strop. The world owes them everything, they do nothing wrong and their life is just so hard you have no idea.
unlike living with teenagers we have a choice to tolerate the behaviour or to leave, because unlike teenagers who are learning their place in the world and learning to deal with the amount of emotions and changes to their bodies. These men chose to behave this way and nothing you will say or do will make a difference. It will just look like you might have to you.
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Agree with all the above and experienced many similar occasions. And agree with @kip – “In a normal, healthy relationship you would and should’t be ‘shaking in shock’. Don’t waste your time trying to work him out. The bottom line is he is an abuser”
Youll never work him out because he’ll constantly move the goalposts.
I spent a very long time thinking at some point he would understand what he does and would be accountable but he never was. Any glimmer of this was only to placate me and then he would go back on it and deny he was abusive. The constant gaslighting, denial, excuses blah blah blah just served to keep me in a completely manipulated, controlled and distressed state. His frame of reference is so far off normal you won’t ever be able to have a healthy relationship with him in my view – sending love xx
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