Toxic relationship v abuse?

[Warriorinme]

Long term volatile relationship. He definitely is a n********t. I’ve tolerated this for (detail removed by moderator) I’m
Tired of it. He’s always right. He talks over me. Invalidates my feelings. Doesn’t offer any care, comfort when I cry. We’ve basically been separated over a year but still in the same house. I had to call the police recently as we argued. I asked him to leave and he wouldn’t. (detail removed by moderator) He hasn’t hit me but I feel like I’ve walked on eggshells around his moods for years. He speaks to me in an angry abrupt tone most of the time. Has to always have the final word. I’ve been trying to Grey Rock him but the other night I couldn’t. We cannot have a calm, civilised conversation without it ending in arguments. He really pokes the stick, triggers me. Doesn’t offer any respite, breaks for me from
Our daughter. I’m her full time carer. Apparently it’s my responsibility and he works. That was my decision? Not! I gave up my career and he’s progressed his. There’s a lot of resentment from
Me I guess but I’m not doing anything but care for our daughter. He gets to walk out the door to work, stays away in hotels on business whenever he wants.
There’s so much that’s happened. More psychological, emotional. I can’t leave as I have no job. I can’t go to a refuge (detail removed by moderator). He won’t leave. Trying to sell our house but again I can’t unless I get enough to buy outright. Feeling trapped. I go to my room when he’s home and going out if possible, in the day. Is this abuse or toxic relationship? He tries to turn it on me. Sick of his drinking every day. Apparently that’s my fault he drinks? Everything is my fault. Hope I’m
Making sense.

[maddog]

His issues started way way back when he was a little boy. He’s abusing everything about you. Please seek support from Women’s Aid and keep a diary of his behaviour, and that of your child. Nobody ‘just leaves’ an abusive relationship. We plan our escape.

Well done for calling the police. Whenever you feel afraid, call them. Log it with them. Nobody should live in fear. It’s a terrible time when it first dawns on us that yes, it is domestic abuse. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

For now, baby steps. You’ve started on this journey, and there are masses of people out there to stop you falling and support both you and your child.

[Fairyliquid]

Hi Warrior in me.

The one thing I keep asking myself is does it matter?
I question is it me?
I question is it them?

I have gone to councilling which is helping me not to feel like a failure or someone who is evil.
I have tried to get them to come to couples counciling which is agreed to then used as another thing that they will not do if my behaviour isn’t correct.

I keep asking myself does it matter?
We are both unhappy (or they seem to be as everything I do is wrong).

So whats the point?
If its toxic and has been for so long how are you supposed to recover and trust each other again?

Easier said then done i am still disengaging from my relationship and the amount of times I go back because if I can just be better I won’t loose our life. But we can’t be better than we are and life has got to be easier than this. Because I have let them down, because I am bad or not doing enough. We continue to go back. But what is the point?

Starting to believe that toxic for soo long means that as much as things should be different as much as I want them to be won’t mean that they will be. How many more years do I want to be unhappy?

Maybe talking about me won’t help you but I hope that if you see some parallels or just ask yourself does it matter if it is “only” toxic do you want to live like this anymore?

Massive hugs and keep posting.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi warriorinme, he is abusing you in so many ways. I was with my husband for decades, lots of similarities.. I also have a SEN child… she’s a teenager, however I wanted to say.. when I finally separated I was also terrified of how it would impact my children (teenagers)… she adapted, has counselling and is in a much better place mentally and emotionally since we separated. It takes time to separate from.an abuser as they do not leave, they must win and get their own way or else..
Womans Aid will advise you and help confidentially to support you. Have you read Living with The Dominater by Pat Craven?

Well done for posting
HFH ❤️

[Warriorinme]

Thank you all so much for responding. I’m trying to get my head together to call women’s aid, solicitor. My daughter is with me 24/7 so it makes it hard to take calls.
The gaslighting, stonewalling is intense here tonight. I shut myself in my room so he has to give me space but somehow his inability or I should say manipulation by causing stress, drawing me out, by his inability to get our daughter transitioned to bed. He then blames me, gaslights, manipulates that it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have got involved. Then when I speak up for myself, he shuts me down so I yell. He then says bye. Walks away leaving me to deal with our daughter. Is that Weaponised incompetence? I get drawn in too easily but (detail removed by moderator) I think she’d be better with just me parenting her.
He’d never heard of gaslighting, cohersive control etc until I used them and now he twists them to say it’s me. Apparently I’m gaslighting and cohersive controlling him. Sending me crazy. (detail removed by moderator)
Losing my confidence and sanity. Questioning is it me?
I’ve become so isolated. None of my friends bother with me. I don’t have family as I had an abusive childhood so cut them out. I have adult children but I fear losing them over this. (detail removed by moderator) He’s trying to control where I live. I feel relief when he goes to work and tense as soon as he’s home. Why won’t he just go? Why would he want to be here? I want him to go but I’m
So afraid of going it alone. I’m
So lonely and doing everything anyway. I struggle to make friends. I don’t have the energy as I’m so exhausted from this and caring for my daughter. Sorry I’ve so much to say. I need therapy but can’t afford it. Thank you again x

[Fairyliquid]

Hi at Warrior in me.

This sounds awful and definitely abuse.
You can get free support for DV or abuse.
I think through womens aid and refuge.
Consider going to your gp they may also be able to support?
I do not know your financial circumstances, I spoke to a therapist and they offered me a much reduced price once I explained my circumstances.
Its so hard to maintain friends when you need to be there for them constantly and have to cancel plans etc.
When you get out, I am told this gets easier and easier.

Keep talking we are here and listening. sending you as much peace as I can tonight.

[Pinky1]

My situation feels very similar to yours. I question all the time whether I have actually been subjected to abuse or not, I now believe I have and sounds like you are too. On the surface he portrays a nice guy image but I know different. I stayed for a lot longer than I should. Try and reach out for help and make sure you have a good solid plan to get out and leave, you should not have to continue to live like this.

[tiredofitall]

My relationship was 100% this. Years and years of being blamed for everything, having to explain every decision I ever made because you’d know at some point it would be brought up. I wondered why the hell he stayed with me when he so clearly hated everything about me. Nothing I did changed anything. In fact, he just seemed to get worse and the moaning got worse. He didn’t beat me but he intimidated me with his anger and his moods and he would smash stuff up which made me think he was out of control but it actually became clear he was in control because he knew when to stop. It was all just more ways to make himself feel better by making me feel small or by having power over me. He critisiced my parenting (even though he did none) and the kids turned out great but they weren’t how he wanted them. He wanted a life and family that he dreamed in his mind but didnt want to input any effort into making it happen. Anyway, one of the factors that contributed to me finally saying I’d had enough and doing something about it, was that I realised it didn’t matter if it was abuse or not. I did not deserve to be treated like this. I deserved to have happiness and joy in my life and create a home that my children could also be free to be themselves. They’d never had that.
We are at the start of our new life without him and I can tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But so worth it. I’m happy in charge of my own life for the first time in a long time and the freedom from his dark cloud is life changing.

[Coogeebee]

Hi my situation is very similar to yours. I even sometimes question if he is abusive or if it is me making him do. I also try and isolate myself from him as much as I can. We can go months when things are quite good and then some little thing triggers an argument. Always something I’ve done or not done of course! He sulks, stonewalls me, gas lights me. Then says I’m doing all this to him. He tries so hard and is so good to me he doesn’t understand why I treat him so badly. I don’t have a child to consider now as I’m (detail removed by moderator), but lots of similar things to you. I have no where to go. Do people just go? Where? How? And daft as it sounds I couldn’t leave my little rescue dog behind. I expect I will just leave things again and they will calm down for a while then something will set him off and it all starts again.

[Reddot]

I’ve just started to look into my own situation, by seeking therapy and starting to look at what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour in a relationship. There are so many similarities with all your stories, incredibly sad but unfortunately after many weeks of my therapist saying the same things over and over…. It’s toxic, it’s abusive, it’s unacceptable behaviour. I’ve started to formulate a plan, some days I’m strong others a complete mess, crippling anxiety, sleepless nights, endless weeks of arguing, being put down, made to feel crazy, being told I’m no fun, can’t take a joke, that it’s not unreasonable for him to want sex and that it’s the only thing I’m needed for. Then to be told I’m over sensitive, too anxious, that it’s my fault he is the way he is, an alpha male. My fault he drinks so much, because it numbs him from his existence with me. Cause and affect he says. I’m a step mum to his children who I love and care for, I wasn’t lucky enough to have my own baby. I’m set to lose it all.

[Lisa]

Hi Reddot,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Warriorinme]

I’ve just logged in again since my last time. Thank you for reading, responding to my post. I’m
Still here. Losing my sanity. We’re separated but still under his control. Somehow he twists this though. I’m sleepwalking into another trapped situation with him. Help! I’m just keeping my head above and can’t make calls as I’m a full time carer and then he’s here. No time or space to breathe, think, take 5 to make decisions. I don’t know what to do. He’s just questioning what I’m doing. I need to log off. I’ll log in later

[Warriorinme]

I’ve just logged in again since my last time. Thank you for reading, responding to my post. I’m
Still here. Losing my sanity. We’re separated but still under his control. Somehow he twists this though. I’m sleepwalking into another trapped situation with him. Help! I’m just keeping my head above and can’t make calls as I’m a full time carer and then he’s here. No time or space to breathe, think, take 5 to make decisions. I don’t know what to do. He’s just questioning what I’m doing. I need to log off. I’ll log in later

[Discombobulated2022]

You sound like you’re describing my husband. It’s abuse. I’m so sorry. Xx

[Anonymous]

It’s the strangest thing living with someone for 3 decades and being in 2 minds, feeling abused but also thinking he had autism and a lot of pain SO I needed to support him and care for him because his father was spiteful to him as a young child. I thought he was more damaged than me but over 3 decades I was the one that was more damaged and he was regulating his sense of superiority in the process of destroying me. Years of suicidal thoughts, chronic fatigue, illness, memory problems etc. Isolation. Constant emotional pain and putting a smiley face on it to myself, so I would not be a victim.
He feels like a victim and he was a victim at a young age but there is no compassion left in there or empathy and I feel like pushing back now. I would hope that Covert Abuse will become more widely understood and that there could be legal awareness because It looks like textbook behaviour, it’s very easily provable but it’s also often quite petty and I know I am sensitive to the petty spite and I over react to the point that my level of anxiety is akin to some massive disaster. I know I’m turning a corner because I don’t feel the fear anymore…
Toxic relationship v abuse? For me the toxic relationship was one sided and my Ex behaved like a toxic Covert abuser by emotionally and relentlessly distressing me.

Take Care X

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The things your husband does are the same as what I experienced for (detail removed by Moderator) years. It’s controlling, manipulative behaviour and you will never get out of the cycle of it, unless you eventually leave him. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to leave but I did it. If you ever need a chat, message me. It’s not you. Keep a diary. Even when you leave, you will feel guilty for a long while and still question yourself. But that’s totally normal and simply part of the grief process. Take care, trust yourself.

[Author]

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