Tracked and spied and blackmailed

[Strawberries]

I am (detail removed by Moderator) years old. I was married at the age of (detail removed by Moderator) by my parents who forced me to marry. I had to marry my husband or they would take me to another country to marry me and I don’t want that. I thought my husband was a nice man although I did not find him attractive. I still wanted to be a good loving wife and wanted him to love me back too. After marriage I realised he didn’t like me. He is (detail removed by Moderator) years older than me and we didn’t have anything in common. I was bubbly and happy and he was serious and grumpy. He shouted at me when I would joke or laugh. I had his old parents move in with me and I had to take care of them because it is expected in my culture. I was studying my masters at the time and pregnant. But I still had to force time for his family. I just wanted him to love me. He wouldn’t kiss me or show me any love and ever since for about (detail removed by Moderator) years our faces never touched. That’s how unloving he was. He would never never compliment me when I dress up or have anything nice to say about me. After having my first child I caught him having multiple affairs on line. I would stay awake all night nursing my child. And he would stay up all night downstairs on the computer saying he was working. I caught him many times chatting to other women. This happened for a few years and than I decided it was too painful for me and I didn’t want to know so I let silently left him to it and carry on as normal. I had my in-laws and children to take care of so my priorities had changed. It was physically and emotionally draining for me. I was like a slave. It is normal in my community to suffer like that. We are all slaves after marriage and you cannot speak about it. I left my husband when I was pregnant with my second child because I juts could not take care of a difficult baby and take care of his sick parents in a small flat. I left but than I struggled financially. I was not working and I had no support so I came back to my husband because I needed him financially. Things were a little bit better but my husband was still not very loving and continued to chat to woman online. I knew because he would hide his phone and keep his things private. And due to past experiences I knew what he was doing. I started to accept things the way they were and got used to not being loved by him. He would stop me from spending time with my family by causing arguements with me when they visited. He wanted to be with me all the time when I was with my friends or family and if I ever wanted to do anything alone than he would get angry and cause an argument and make me feel uncomfortable. So o stopped spending too much time with anyone unless he was included. This also happened with my children. He would get angry with me when I wanted to spend time outside to go shopping with my daughters who at the time were much older. One day I wanted to go shopping with my older daughters and he couldn’t join us because of work and than started being angry and spiteful telling me if I went than he would not feed the younger 2 children. After (detail removed by Moderator) years of marriage I met someone else and got mixed up. It was like a second life I was living. I just wanted to be loved. Recently my husband found out about my affair. And that’s when the war started. After I explained to him why I did what I did and I told him I wouldn’t do it again but I did. I told my husband I think we should separate since he was also having affairs. After (detail removed by Moderator) years I decided to look through his computer and I came across many woman he was talking to. And a lot of very explicit info. I was heart broken because it led me to my affair and I felt this is not what I should be doing. I just wanted a loving husband and now I didn’t love him or even find him attractive after years of neglect. I met a young man who gave me what I wanted but I knew now that i was caught it would stir trouble. My husband started tracking my car and following me. He hacked into my phone and started collecting evidence of my affair. I told my husband I want to end it with him because there was no love in our marriage but I also said we could work things out but it will take time. The damage was done and I just did not feel happy about my marriage. I couldn’t end my affair because there was another human being involved and I was in love with him. My husband contacted my family. And told them what has happened. I was angry with him because he was messing around for so many years and I never told anyone and as soon as I do something he tells everyone. He hacked into my phone and listened to audio and conversations etc and watched me for almost (detail removed by Moderator) months. He mentally tormented me by acting normal and at the same time once a month telling me he knew what I was doing. But not telling me what he knew or how. He made me so paranoid I asked him to leave my room. I contacted the cyber team, stalking helpline, revenge porn as he had shown explicit images of me to my family. I reported him to the police who arrested him for rape (that is something else that was ongoing for years) and for coercive control. But later they released him because they said I didn’t have enough evidence and so they couldn’t do anything. Since than till present he has turned family against me and no one is talking to me. He told them everything and about me and said that I wanted to leave him for another man. That was not true because I never left him after eveything he did because of reputation and family. But he made it look like that by all the videos and pictures and information he had about me and my new partner. At present me and my husband are not together but he is still loving in my house. I have 4 beautiful children all
Under the age of (detail removed by Moderator). I am currently filling out application for non molestation order and occupational order. I cannot afford solicitors fee and I don’t qualify legal aid. I have properties under my name but I have never had financial control so have no money. My Husband control everything. My story is so deep and complicating I cannot write everything. I am currently struggling mentally and emotionally. I keep my door locked when I’m in my room and everytime I leave my room just incase he spies on me. I have no idea if I have cameras in my house. I am constantly afraid. Everytime I go out now he harasses my children asking them where I have gone and than feeding them with information that they don’t need to know. He even told my (detail removed by Moderator) year old daughter crying saying “your mum is leaving me for another man”. I want to leave my husband because he has done too much to me. The blackmail and sharing explicit images of my to my parents and brothers has been traumatising. His family who I took care of for nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years do not talk to me. And my family are very angry with me and blame me saying I am a woman and I shouldn’t have done what I did. He is a man and it’s acceptable. My husband wanted me to engage in inappropriate sexual behaviour involving other people but I never wanted to. Even after he found out about my affair he said to me it turned him on. And than when he found out I didn’t love him like that and I didn’t want him to touch me or come near me like that he started collecting information to shame me to my community and family. I was to get out of this relationship so bad. He is a very disturbed man and I don’t know what his next love is. I feel like if it was physical violence than at least o could call the police and get help. But my husband is a silent abuser. I am writing this and I feel like I will be judged. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am the one to blame. Am I trying to convince myself that it’s not my fault or is it?

[Same-again]

Hi Strawberries,

I’m not much good with advice as I find I am overwhelmed by it all tbh. I seem to have become this passive person who allows herself to be treated badly.

It doesn’t sound like you are to blame, it sounds like you were desperate for some love and affection. Hence the affair? Well, it’s done now & no point beating yourself up about it. Sounds like you’ve enough people doing that anyway! Perhaps you could speak to a solicitor about divorce proceedings? I didn’t qualify for legal aid (ex-husband) and so did a lot of the paperwork myself to keep costs down. It was fiddly and time consuming but it was doable and saved me a lot in fees.

Sorry if my advice is a bit lacking. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone 🙂 xx

[Anonymous]

Hi Strawberries, I think most of us here can relate to what you’re going through in similar ways.

What your husband is doing to you isn’t okay. You should call your local police station and see if you would be eligible for an injunction, this is more powerful than the molestation order.

It’s a rubbish life feeling trapped isn’t it? But we can get out of the situation we’re in, but we have to take the steps to make it happen.

My abuser is a very unloving person too and has no empathy or remorse for anything or anyone. We put up with it for so long because we think it’s normal, but it isn’t. We have feelings too! And we forget that.

I’m leaving my abuser this week. My grandmother passed away (detail removed by Moderator) and left her house to me and my children, but it’s had to go through probate so taken a lot longer than it usually would because of the corona. Luckily my abuser doesn’t know where her house is, I expect he will find out. I just want to get to my safe place then start looking into what the best order will be for my kids and myself.

Even though I know I’m going I still question myself if I’ll ever be free of him completely and what he’ll do to take revenge for leaving. I’ve prepared myself mentally for what may or may not happen while still dealing with the scars from the abuse, it’s a hard feeling to explain and when we have children, we stay strong for them but it’s always there.

My abuser regularly sees other women. He is sex obsessed to the point of it being creepy and wierd. He used to request that we do certain thing’s that I was not comfortable with and point blank refused, so he’d tell me he’d have to go somewhere else, I told him to do it. At that point I had no feelings whatsoever for him, no feelings of jealousy even, just nothing. I don’t find him attractive in any way anymore. Beauty comes from within I believe, and he has none of that.

I’m the past when I’d planned to go he would say I’m calling your mum to tell her how you’re behaving and how you’re treating me, he actually called her once and she put the phone down on him, she told him she knows I wouldn’t do or say that. Now he absolutely hates my parents because they don’t fall for his under handed tricks.

Keep talking anyway Strawberries and you’ve defo come to the right place. There’s some amazing strong women on here who will give you some really good advice xx

[Strawberries]

Thank you same-again and turtledove for your response. Really appreciate the time you took out to message me. Turtledove I really felt what you told me about your self. About losing all feelings. I felt the same. No jealousy nothing. Same-again I really need some tips and advice how to do it all by myself. I am wasting so much time worrying about the finance that I am not doing anything. I have no support from family and I have told only a few friends who have been great. But ultimately it’s my own battle. I feel like I am losing. I recently hired a (detail removed by Moderator) for my daughters birthday but asked my husband to pay for it since I was paying for most things. When I asked him on behalf of the children to stay away from an all girls party his response was that he is happy to do it and the (detail removed by Moderator) was for his kids and not for me. Just because he paid for it. I need that man out of my house before he mentally crippled me and my kids. They are affected by all this also. They are also happier when he not around and want him to leave to. But they don’t him to know that they feel that way. So I respect their choice and protect their privacy.

[Anonymous]

Once you get the numb feeling that’s when you know it’s completely over. You should give rights of women and woman’s aid a call I’ve felt them both to be very helpful. They can advice more on which or both injunctions you may need. What he’s doing is emotionally abusive to you and seems like he’s purposely trying to aggravate you. I would definately take some steps now before this esculates. I sympathise with you I really do. And even though he hasn’t physically assaulted you he’s mentally abusing you and financially by the sounds of it. This is abuse. Xx

[Author]

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