Trapped

[Alittlelost]

I now feel trapped in this relationship. People around are making plans for my future and im just going along to please. They no idea what its like living with him. I thought i could do it and get out this relationship but im overcome by guilt of leaving and im not strong enough to deal with that. No one wants to offer emotional support only pratical support of a refuge. Im trapped. I wont get out. So i want say thanks to all you who supported me here but i think i should leave as im choosing to stay with him. Sorry.

[Tiffany]

Don’t feel like you have to leave the site just because you are not ready to leave the relationship. You are still suffering abuse, and this site is therefore available to help you, even if you choose to stay.

Honestly, it can be hard for people to understand just how powerful the guilt that abusers can make us feel, and how real that is for them. From the perspective of someone who was controlled by this for years and then got away, I can’t really understand why I felt so guilty for my actions and thoughts on wanting to leave, while justifying everything he was doing to me. Logically it is the abuser who should feel guilt, not the victim, because he is the person intentionally hurting his partner, not you. But I know how hard that is to believe when you are in the situation.

It’s a bit of a catch 22 though. You have to realise that you are not the problem to leave, but you can’t see that you are not the problem until you do leave. I can understand why people are trying to push you towards refuge – it would give you a safe space to work things through. But I can also see that letting someone else push you towards that feels like losing the last of your control of your life.

My best advice is to keep posting, keep educating yourself, and keep yourself safe. You don’t have to stay with someone who is hurting and upsetting you, because no one should have to deal with that. But you also don’t have to do anything until you decide you want to.

[Dragon]

@Alittlelost I can completely relate to how you feel. I think I put in my previous post that I feel like I am not emotionally strong enough to face leaving but I feel so emotionally exhausted trying to make it work and my self esteem is really low. And the guilt, and the feeling it is all my fault and the kids. Too much. So I have decided to stay too. And I know what you mean, I have wondered why I stay on this site, why I look at it, what’s the point. But the truth is it does help me,to at least know there are other women in my phone who can relate to how I feel. PM me if you like x*x

[diymum@1]

Keep posting 🙂it took me two decades to get out. We won’t judge you we’ve been in your shoes xx love diymum

[KIP.]

Hey, trapped is an extremely common feeling for victims so just keep reaching out. Lean on us here meantime when you’re feeling low and need support. Took me decades too and lots of help to finally escape. On average victims return 7 times so we don’t underestimate what you’re going through x

[Lisa]

Hi there Alittlelost, I can see that you have already received such great support from the other members as ever.

As they have said, leaving is extremely difficult, we understand that. I am sorry to hear that you feel that you are being forced into a decision.

Remember that we are always here for you. Please know that you can post here at time without thinking you will be judged.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Alittlelost, oh my darling girl, please don’t think you have to leave the forum because you’re going back, many of us do return. Keep the lines of communication open, keep learning about domestic abuse/violence. ONE day you will be strong enough, I too was over 2 decades with my husband. Take some time out if that’s what you need. Abusers rely on us closing ourselves off from any support. Obv he doesn’t know about here, we’re strangers, we will never judge you but I’ve heard that if you do decide to stay,that’s when you’ll no longer confide in those you did before.
We do what we do to survive that’s all.
Best wishes and remember we’ll always be were to talk to.
IWMB 💞💞

[Alittlelost]

Thank you everyone. Im guess im worried i will p**s people off by moaning about the wituation or what he does but im not changing the situation. Seems unfair to ask for help when its only me keeping myself in this situation. We are child hood sweet hearts, i feel he has taken away the years that are meant to be fun, i stupidly feel i may aswell just stay with him rest my life now. I cant survive on my own. He is half partner and almist half carer cos my disabilities. No one else would want me like the way i am.

[Tiffany]

Apart from the childhood sweetheart bit, you could be describing me and my ex. We met at uni, just after I had become quite profoundly disabled. I was struggling with my family (I have an invisible illness) and they didn’t really grasp how debilitating it was. My abuser swept in to the rescue and acted half as carer and half as boyfriend. It seemed like a godsend at the time. He understood me and what I was going through so well. What I didn’t see until after I left was that he was also carefully driving a wedge between me and my family, making me feel like thwy would never support me. He did a lot for me. Cooking, cleaning organising my social life. And gradually became more and more controlling, telling me not to do things because they would make my health worse, controlling what and when I ate, in the name of helping me.

The ironic thing is that he was actually making my health worse. The stress of abuse isn’t to be underestimated. It didn’t cause my disability. I am still disabled after years away from him. But I can cope far better than I believed possible during the abuse. I am not going to sugar coat it, I did end up having to move back in with my parents. In the immediate aftermath of the abuse I wasn’t able to cope as well as I am now, but if you go into refuge I am sure you would get the same level of support as my parents gave me from the staff. I can handle my medical condition pretty well without support now.

Oh, and I was absolutely wrong about no one wanting me after I left. I am a disabled woman with all of the issues that years of abuse cause. And after I had been out for a couple of years I met a man who is kinder than I had ever imagined a man could be, and despite all the issues we have to work around he loves me and thinks I am amazing. You are not worth less because you are disabled. Nor are you worth less because your abuser treats you like you are worth less. You are a great person with wonderful qualities. You are loveable. You are not irretrievably broken. You just need to step out from your partners shadow so you can start to grow. I missed most of my twenties due to disability and abuse. But I am so glad that I didn’t lose my thirties too.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Alittlelost, I too have hidden disabilities, my oh was very good at looking after me, telling me to go and rest when I got really sore,would run me baths, give me massages for the pain, but I too was isolated from my family,my social life was zero unless organised by him. Anything I wanted to do fir me would take weeks to pluck up the courage to say I’d been invited out somewhere. Since I’ve left my pain levels have decreased enormously, I’ll never get better but I now know that I can also manage on my own. I can pace myself like the health carers advise, iwata more healthily now too and have lost over 3 stone all in. The fear of not knowing is what keeps us trapped, but when the fear of staying becomes so much stronger that’s when it becomes time to leave.
Love and strength IWMB 💞💞

[Hetty]

The process of getting out is long for a lot of us. It takes a lot of planning and preparation, not just practically but emotionally too. Please don’t feel like you can’t post. There’s no harm in exploring options, how you’re feeling without making any snap decisions x

[diymum@1]

They tell us that you won’t meet anyone – no one will have you. This is how they keep you too by making yourself doubting you’ll be ok. You will get there and you’ll know when the time is right xx and we won’t get p’d off ever. It’s the hardest most trying thing in the world to get away from an abuser xx

[Cecile]

diymum@1 is so right. I am halfway out, and as freedom looms I am really doubting myself. All the things he constantly said to me ‘you cant cope without me’ ‘pathetic little woman’ ‘oh for gods sake don’t be ridiculous’ ‘you would never survive on your own’.Can I really cope with having five bills a month? Or getting car repairs? or house repairs? I remind myself that I have a lot of qualifications (none of which I am using as he had decimated my confidence).

I know HOW to survive and that is more than enough. I know how to get through cancer, to solve children’s illnesses, to recover from a bad accident, to cope with any emergency for other people. So does every one else on here.

[lover of no contact]

I couldn’t leave my abuser even though I was getting weaker by the day from being on the receiving end of his abuse. I actually got down on my knees and begged God to help stop the pain (emotional) and to provide a way out that I just couldn’t leave (I had many children, no family support(they were abusive) and deep seated religious beliefs that marriage was for life and children needed a mother and father. However my prayer was answered and my abuser decided to get me back into my box with a solicitors letter threatening separation. He didn’t want a separation (he didn’t want to lose me as his emotional punchbag) but I had been changing and becoming more aware due to attending a support group (I thought he had an alcohol problem). So I would say to you it’s essential you keep close to this Forum by reading the posts daily and posting as you need. This will strengthen you no end and somehow a way will be made for you to leave even if you feel you can’t do it. I was like that too but when he went to discard me I was strong enough to let him even though I knew if I begged him he’d drop the separation. But I grabbed my chance to be free with both hands when the time came about.

[diymum@1]

this is funny actually looking back! my toilet blocked the lights fused and my computer went down all in one night! this was he first week he was gone. i called my dad and he guided me through everything over the phone. i was so proud of the toilet unchoking! lol small mercies. as time goes on you realise the feeling off not being able to cope alone isnt real. its just a seed that gets planted by them. its a hook. with time we get stronger it does have a natural process and we do get the strength to go but only when were ready to do it for ourselves xxxx the problem is in an abusive relationship we tend to put our needs last to passify them xx

[Iwantmeback]

I kind going into b&q not so long ago,git trailing to one of the men about women and DIY. He was so supportive of single women. Basically said diy isn’t hard, it’s not complicated, men jyst make out it is, to makes out they’re needed. Apart from,gas and electrics I’ll give anything a go,

[Alittlelost]

Thanks everyone. I really qm greatful for ur replies. I feel so alone.

[PercyPooper]

I totally understand how you feel. I sometimes think that I’m making all of this up and I should shut up and just go back to normal. It’s like I get a spark of energy that motivates me to leave and not stand for being treated like this and then I’m trampled on and the spark goes out and the cycle begins again. Check out the cycle of abuse.

[just breathing]

I just want to say that you are truly amazing. It takes a lot of courage to just say what you said. I am here like nothing, and have been for quite a long time. I can’t bear the idea of what he says about me to the children when i am not around – as I know it is bad enough lies and poisoning against me in front of me.
One day I will be free and feel I will have at least been ther to be with the children and relish the moments when he is not around to spoil it and makje me feel like rubbish.

But I send you a juge amount of thoughts and strength.

[Author]

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