trapped

[iwantchange]

I get so nervous with his mood swings, feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him because I don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.
Just when he gets like that, the fear of being hit is overwhelming, constantly watching where his going. Shift away abit if he gets too close.

Honestly starting to believe I’m trapped I love him so I don’t want to leave, but also scared of what could happen if I do. Hate having these thoughts, I try to believe everything will be ok, but then the bad moods comes and it makes me so nervous.

[fizzylem]

Hi IWC, of course you fear him because history and the patterns in his behaviour tell you to be wary. You know that sooner or later he will flip and hit you again. It’s time to get a leaving plan in action, can you call the helpline for help with this?

Your safety needs to come first always – above anything else. No one can live life when in this situation, it’s surviving and getting through only. The relationship is already over, it ended the day he started to abuse you, the only question now is how long are you going to endure this?

[Cecile]

Looks like you have a trauma bond to him, and your mind thinks this is love. Google trauma bond, it’s what keeps us in abusive relationships. You must put yourself first. Build a network of support, separate from him, and get help.

[iwantchange]

Thank you fizzylem & Cecile for your replies

Don’t even know where to begin. I’ve confided in friends, so I have some support but they all tell me to leave but I can’t. I don’t want to believe this is a trauma bond, I do have a genuine feelings for him. I just want him to change, I don’t want this to just be the “calm” phase. I want this to be the end. I’m so lost right now. I know the best thing to do would be to leave but I have a child with him. And it breaks me to have to break up our family.

I know I have to put myself and my child first. But I’m in such denial and put up with it for so long, I just don’t even know where to start. And I’m scared of leaving for 2 reasons I’m afraid of how he’ll react and what I do after?? My life is him and my child. I don’t see anything else other than that. Is that pathetic?

[fizzylem]

You’ve been living in the hope for a brighter day for a long time – not going to change though is it – he won’t change, this is who he is. You’re holding onto the dream of being a happy loving family aren’t you – for your child and you, but sadly this is not what you have – I rememeber this well, this only keeps you there and the abuse going. I found this heartbreaking too, but now I’m on the other side I can see that what my child needed for me to do was to leave, to give her a home where she can thrive – this simply can not be achieved when living with an abuser. Children learn what they live.

Can you both go and stay with family or a friend? Might be an idea to call the helpline to discuss things if you are scared of how he will react – better to have a plan – just think of it as gathering information for now x

[iwantchange]

You know why that is? Because the abuse isn’t as constant as before. Like I do feel like we’re in a good place. I’ve told him if he hits me again, I will leave him which is something I’ve never done before. Usually when he lashes out, he apologizes and I just try to forget but this time I stood up and told him if it happens again I will leave.

The last time I mentioned a break or time away, he made it seem like I was leaving him with nothing and basically making him start over again. I have family to stay but then it means explaining why and I don’t want anyone to know that there’s bad going on. My family don’t know about the abuse and I don’t think I will ever tell them.

I know I need to do the right thing for my child, it its like there’s always something stopping me and I know I’m being selfish because of this and I don’t mean to be. I’m just stuck, I really am.

[Lisa]

Hi there Iwantchange, I wanted to offer some support, I can see from your posts that you are feeling stuck. It is so important to remember that domestic abuse doesn’t just include physical violence.

It would be a good idea for you to get as much support in place as possible to help you to to keep you and your child as safe as possible.

Your local domestic abuse can offer some ongoing support you can find their details here. You can also access some support from Women’s Aid through the Live Chat.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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