12th January 2022 at 2:53 pm #136925unrealityParticipant
Hi everyone –
I don’t know how these things work yet, I was driven toward this organisation by multiple loved ones so am giving it a go.
I’m stuck in an incredibly manipulative relationship and am trying my hardest to find a way out. He’s exceedingly charming and charismatic; he could make you believe anything he liked, but has used that to lie to me and gaslight me for so long that I completely lost touch with my sense of self / self worth – stopped talking to my friends/family, stopped attending uni, stopped doing what I love.
His ability to play the victim drove me to the point of suicidal thoughts, after being accused of cheating and being cold/neglectful so many times when every single thing I did was for him (we never spent a second apart, I cooked all food / cleaned / ran baths / everything).
We live together. I left a few days ago without explanation. I’m still trying to figure out a way to leave this relationship, I want my life back, but I’m too scared to confront him – apparently he’s already spreading rumours about me to friends, and has tried to trash my room. I’m convinced that he’s going to try and ruin my life if I tell him I’m leaving.
How can I detach myself from such a controlling person, when our lives are so intertwined? How do I leave this relationship without him coming after me? How do I live my own life again without being painted as a villain to my loved ones?
12th January 2022 at 6:05 pm #136929AurielParticipant
Welcome to the forum hun, you’ve got a lovely bunch of forum memb’s by here, oh boy do I know what that’s like, what he’s doing is starting a smear campaign against you, you may have a cluster b personality disorder on your hands, it’s usually the dark triad that are charming sly manipulative and spread misinformation, he probably knows you want to leave so he’s starting the lies to protect himself, it’s called divide and conquered, tell your family what’s been going on, if your family are supportive (not all are mine aren’t) they’ll be on your side, you don’t have to tell him your leaving you don’t have to tell him anything you’ve given him soooooo much as it is, it’s time for you to take back, if you went into refuge he won’t be able to find you (providing you change your number) these people will “never” be happy they just take and take and take till there’s nothing left of you and your an empty crumbling shell needing to build yourself back up again, but you can do it, I promise
26th January 2022 at 10:18 am #137767searchingforhopeParticipant
It’s so brave reaching out for help, so well done. I think you should telephone for help to though.
I’m in a similar situation, gaslighting, manipulation, playing victim, I don’t support enough or ask him the support he wants, when I have done everything for him and kids and put them first always. It can be so subtle though and at times I question if I’m imagining it or losing my mind completely.
The kids are holding me there, as I’ve hidden everything from them, (I think they are oblivious, but maybe I’m wrong) but I need to find strength to push past that.
My husband has started smearing me too to neighbours and others, I’ve heard it back, but then tells me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. It’s head wrecking!
Those who know you will know the truth. The people that matter will know, the rest of the small minded people don’t matter.
Put you first and look after you. You will get your life back. x*x
26th January 2022 at 10:34 am #137768HereforhelpParticipant
Hey, I just wanted to say well done for reaching out on this forum, leaving him and to welcome you. I echo what’s been said above. Also, have you read living with the dominato, Pat Craven? Really good book to start with, helps you understand some of the abuse you have suffered, knowledge is empowering. Also, read up on here, most of us have been through similar experiences and.relate, Maybe contact WA in your local area? Get as much support as you.can and be as honest as you can to your loved ones about the smear campaign your partner has started against you.
True friends, loved ones will support you.
My husband can also be charm itself, manipulating anyone he can to get what he wants from them whilst looking and behaving like the most sorted, grounded person, only I got the abuse which i also thought I had protected my children from, they are now teenagers and have told me they remembered XYZ of what their dad did to me and how that has affected their mental health now they are older. Also, the silent treatment, then him suddenly becoming aggressive, then switching to victim (sometimes all those different personas would arise and be chageable through then day… really messed our heads up but no more as I separated from him.
Keep posting, you are in the right place ❤❤
26th January 2022 at 8:52 pm #137776Twisted SisterParticipant
I hear you, and you have spoken so clearly about your awful experience, and I am so sorry for your experiences.
Stick with it, keep listening to yourself. You know who he is now, much better than anyone else possibly can, so they need to follow your lead on this.
Unfortunately, it will be a lot easier when you can just swallow and accept that he is going to slate you in every way possible. Think the worst then double it in terms of what he will say about you to people, and prepare yourself for that, then you will not be disappointed or hit a wall when you get wind of yet another slur against you. Whats the saying ‘prepare for the worst but hope for the best’? Its all in the preparation and expectations.
He has shown you over the years already what you can expect, but this is while you were with him and under his control, now that you’ve left and he is losing control it can escalate, so the support that you have from the multitude that urged you here, is vital.
Well done for hearing them and seeing whats been happening and making the move out, its a lot to face. Lean on friends and family that you can trust for emotional support, those that can be trusted and don’t have any loyalties to him or believe his charm.
You may be surprised to learn that much of what you could tell us here has also been experienced by most of us here? Do keep posting and getting support where you can. Take good care of yourself, rest and pamper yourself, you’ve been through so much and have broken free. All strength to you.
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