Trapped by emotional guilt

[Velvet]

Hi. I recently told him I want a divorce. Been so many years of mental and verbal abuse. Felt like I didn’t exist. Since telling him he’s not left and says he wants help to get therapy. He’s started therapy but I’ve told him I won’t change my mind. He’s been weird and overly nice and making all the meals for myself and my son. Never done this before. He’s making breakfast lunch and dinners. Food shopping. Planning meals etc. But hes not eatibg during the day and small meals when we are eating. I know hes doing yhe emotional guilt thing. Not sure how to cope and deal with it. Draining. Also keeps trying hug me in last few days. He just won’t leave! Has anyone else experience this? He will be getting a letter (detail removed by moderator) from my solicitor. Kakking my pants how he’s gonna react. Prob more emotional guilt. How do u cope? Not sure how long I have to put up with this till he leaves. He wants get his head straight first. Nothing I can do legally as joint mortgage. Feel so tired and trapped. Sorry waffling on. X*x

[KIP.]

Been through same. He is not going anywhere. This is the love bombing phase. Watch him escalate when he realises you are serious and won’t change your mind. Mine was arrested when he attacked me. They are most dangerous when we try to end things. I just didn’t see it coming. You do have legal options. Exclusion order. Court ordered sale of house etc. Speak to your solicitor. Really really bad idea to live with him when going through divorce. He wants you around to manipulate. Don’t ever make the mistake of thinking these men can be reasonable. How do you know he’s not eating during the day. My ex was all pleading and begging and crying while seeing a woman behind my back. They are total dysfunction. He’s probably stuffing his face when you’re not looking. Seriously, it’s a game to them x

[Velvet]

Thanks KIP at least I know I’m not going mad. U know what he’s doing but I don’t know how to deal with it. He won’t leave. I’ve been told by my solicitor not to leave as I have no regular income. Started a new business so can’t even rent. I’m waiting for the backlash. Maybe it will start (detail removed by moderator) when he gets the letter. Wish he’d just go!. Makes me queasy he’s being so nice when he’s done so much damage over last (detail removed by moderator) years. Why and how can they do it!? 😔 x*x

[KIP.]

Hey velvet, it’s all part of the manipulation. You can ask your solicitor about an exclusion order. If you have evidence of his past abuse you may be able to get him out legally. It’s a terrible stalemate and I was stuck in it for only a matter of weeks after my solicitors letter arrived. He just couldn’t keep his temper as he saw me looking forward to moving on with my life without him. I told him I didn’t love him anymore because of the serious abuse, and the gates of hell opened after that. I just didn’t see it coming. Stay safe x

[Lisa]

Hi Velvet,

I just wanted to show you some support and to re-iterate the brilliant advice you have already given from the other posts you have received. Sadly we all know that this could be a very dangerous time for you and it may not be safe for you to stay in the same house at the moment. If he is refusing to leave and you have somewhere safe to go, even if it is far from ideal and perhaps bunking up with a friend or family member I would encourage you to think about it. The National Domestic Violence Helpline could help you come up with a safety plan and do a risk assessment for you so that you can make an informed decision about your situation.

Please be careful. We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Nina]

Hi Velvet, my ex did the same. I couldn’t talk to him in the end about him leaving because of how he’d react. He’d either say I was looking for an argument, blame me for everything and then get angry or act like it was a joke and would brush it off.
I sent him a message near the end (after he’d thrown something at me, for no reason whatsoever), saying that unless he left, I’d apply to the courts for a residency order. He never discussed it but after that, for almost three weeks he did the guilt trip. I can’t explain it really but he pretended to be kind. He’d also cook, which he never did but he couldn’t hide how much he resented it. He’d be smiling and full of fake concern as I was ill, but you could see he was bubbling away under the surface. The food he’d make would be horrible or off and he wouldn’t eat it, saying he’d already eaten. If I didn’t eat it, I’d be an ungrateful b**** and it would be thrown all over the kitchen. It was just another game, but at least he’d clean it up.
He too got arrested when he finally realised I was serious and that it was over for good. He just flipped. Turning the electricity and water off. Not just violent, he was crazy, burning things in the house, trashing everything, hiding phones. KIP is right, they are definitely more dangerous at the end and that emotional c*** beforehand knocks you off guard.

[Velvet]

Thank you Lisa. I have a support lady from (detail removed by Moderator) the support for (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been told stay put for now but have emergency bag waiting g at a friends but I don’t really have anywhere to go right now. I’ve now upset that friend that I was hoping would support me. She knew I was seeing the support person and I never heard from her for another week or so. All I wanted was maybe a quick note to ask how it went. Felt so lonely. She said I should have known she was there and she’s never had to prove that before. All in all made me feel worse. The solicitor letter will arrive tomorrow and don’t know what the reaction will be. Been told to ring the police if I have to. He’s never been physically violent to me but I know this can change. I am a bit scared of the reaction. I’ll try stay safe. It’s so good to have this place to talk and make me realise his behaviour is what I think it is. Tiring x

[KIP.]

Hey Nina, mine went crazy too before the assault. He cancelled all the direct debits, wanted me to pay half the bills knowing I couldn’t afford it, then would be all reasonable and had me running round looking for somewhere for him to move out to. He had no intention of going anywhere. Told me he had a new girlfriend. Even had their picture on Facebook! Lied to and involved our son in his lies. Ripped the lock off my bedroom door. Even after he assaulted me his solicitor wrote saying if I was nice to him, he would be nice to me! Omg. He really lost the plot. It was awful. I minimised his behaviour because of the FOG. Fear Obligation Guilt. Looking back, its obvious and my women’s aid worker told me it was going to end badly.
Stay alert velvet. I think this may be his reaction too.

[Velvet]

Thank everyone for taking the time to help me. I am wary and scared. My solicitor says it will be quite hard for me to get an exclusion order yet. (detail removed by Moderator) Don’t know what his reaction will be. Anger or what I have been receiving recently. How could you say that?! He’s blaming everything for all he’s years on a compulsive addictive and now a attachment disorder his therapist says goes back to his upbringing. No s**t sherlock. Told u get counselling (detail removed by Moderator) years ago. He’s using the therapy as his excuse why he’s not leaving yet. Needs get his head straight. See what tomorrow brings. Thanks all x*x

[KIP.]

Hey there, dont fall for it. Lots of people have mental illnesses and they are not abusive to their spouses. Just another excuse for him to hide behind. If his attachment disorder was causing his abusive behaviour then everybody would be getting the same treatment as you. Its domestic abuse plain and simple. Stay safe x
Does your solicitor have experience of domestic violence. Do they know women are at most risk when trying to end a relationship. I think perhaps a solicitor with experience of domestic violnece ans abuse could persuade the court to issue an exclusion order. Try ringing Rights for Women for free legal advice x

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