Trapped in a marriage

[Gojetters]

I am in a horrible situation, I am in my (removed by moderator), I have a (removed by moderator) and I am trapped in pointless marriage. My husband says he doesn’t want a divorce and yet he does nothing to make changes or amendments to improve both our lives.

We have been married for (removed by moderator) yrs, as we were both approaching (removed by moderator) when started talking about marriage, we both understood I would not tolerate infidelity and I would never carry him financially unless something awful happened.we also discussed children, at the time neither of us thought could have children however we both agreed any children we had would be looked after by one or both of us, not nursery or family etc. Having said that I have no problem family looking after our child on occasion but I did not want it to be a job for our parents.besides I worked hard all my life I could afford to not work for a few years before nursery and live off of my savings. Even then I was ensuring I was supporting myself. My then fiancé the says well I can stay at home and be a “dead beat” dad,now that to me is an awful phrase but I took it as his idea of a joke. Now, I thought it was not a bad idea as he was a teacher and at the time he was teaching (removed by moderator). He told me his salary was around (removed by moderator). As he was paying his own way and I had no interest in his money I didn’t think much of it. Cutting a long story short he encouraged me to take a new job whilst I was heavily pregnant as he would be looking after the baby anyway. Sounded above board.
I took (removed by moderator) months maternity unpaid because I was only there (removed by moderator) before taking maternity leave. It was a horrible birth plus awful conflict with controlling threatening in laws. A (removed by moderator) before I go back to work he gets a full time job (removed by moderator). All the savings were gone because (detail removed by moderator). My car was(removed by moderator), I didn’t think it was safe.
It was (removed by moderator) of hell I tried to seperate my money he said he would divorce me and prove ima bad mother and the baby would be taken into care.
He said the baby had to go to nursery. That’s when I cracked I refused, I said I would hand in my notice and sit at home with my baby I would like to see someone seperate my child from me.He knew I would, so he changed his days so he had (removed by moderator) at home. Luckily (removed by moderator) was amazing (removed by moderator) allowed to work from home (removed by moderator) and (removed by moderator) looked after my baby (removed by moderator).

He has since cheated,He won’t have sex He is now saying It’s my fault for not behaving.We can’t move house until I behave, we can’t go on holiday until I behave, I can’t buy a car because I have no idea if we have any money.

Not only that, he had been keeping a narrative and actually logging every argument as abuse.often he lies and says I (removed by moderator), when I’m not even in the same room as him. He says I threatened Him (removed by moderator). I got so fed up of these lies I called the police so that’s stopped for now.

He deliberately starts arguments, I get up and leave he follows me until I cannot stand him anymore then I crack I swear and let everything out he then records that on his phone.

Sometimes he will bring the sleeping baby into the room and then say my behaviour is unacceptable in front of the child, I don’t know how the child appeared there!

He never swears but he twists and manipulates. He talks to me like he has swallowed a social services rule book, he never answers questions as then he is in control. It could be what’s for dinner or are cheating same response.

He disappears for a walk (removed by moderator), he goes and talks to his parents who hate me (removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator). My way is to sit beside the child and gently feed him myself. They want me to just put food in front of him, he will eat if his hungry. (removed by moderator). I’m not having that nonsense exposed to my baby.
(Detail removed by moderator).

I’m sorry this is so long, I feel disgusted with myself for allowing such a manipulative low life control my life like this. All because he knows I will do anything to be with my son everyday.

[Lottieblue]

Hey there Gojetters,
I am really sorry to hear your story. I just wanted to say that there are lots of very knowledgeable and sensible and wise people on here (I’m not one of them – yet!) and I know that at least one of them will be along very soon to give you excellent advice.
You’ve come to the right place. Your situation sounds really difficult.
Hang on in there, and you’ll get the advice you need x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Gojetters,

This sounds really awful, I should imagine you are feeling ganged up on by a bunch of people who are undermining your every decision.

Are you ready to end this relationship yet? It seems you are being treated like a ‘naughty child’ and not as an equal partner in this marriage. Your husband and his family seem to be dominating the decisions and not taking your opinions in to account at all. They may see it as ‘trying to help’ but clearly that is not how you are feeling it.

How did the Police respond to your call? What action did they take?

He is making empty threats to you. To say that he will divorce you and say you are a bad mother and your baby will be taken in to care is a ridiculous comment to make. What does that say about him? Would he not be the person to care for his son if such a comment was true? Would he really let his son go in to care if you were an unfit mother?

What is stopping you from leaving him? Is it fear, or is it finances? Are there any repercussions that you are scared of if he leaves you that could cause you harm? Is there somewhere you could go to?

There are options available, not all of them are easy to commence, but at least to gain some knowledge of what you can do and how you can take back some control is a start.

If you were to leave him, do you have a family support network that could help you as a single parent? I know initially you did not want any help to raise your son, but sometimes our life plans change and we have to change with them.

[Gojetters]

Thank you “Wants to Help’

I will be better of financially if I did not have to subsidise his salary.

My fear is that he is going to get my son.

This is because he has played this by the book since our child was born.
(Removed by moderator) tried to label me with post natal depression and therefore unfit to take care of my child whilst I was in critical care. (removed by moderator).
My husband has deliberately provoked and pushed me into arguments and then left me out to dry. I have realised he has logged all these things as evidence and I’m frightened He will make it appear I’m the abuser and therefore an unfit mother. He has had depression since I met him he said it was related to his illness he cannot cope with the child for one Day and he certainly won’t be able to manage financially, (removed by moderator). So I said fine you pay your half the bills and I’ll pay mine, (removed by moderator)
He then came back with but I earn less than you, I was so angry I told him that was not my problem, I worked hard all my life and he sat around free loading because frankly I couldn’t understand why a a male (removed by moderator) could not get a job, I mean why did he settle as a (removed by moderator) days a week?

I want to control my money and my future like I have always done. I don’t understand the pathways/processs utilised to pin Abuser on a person. He does and he has it all logged. It is very lucky I am a truthful person because I spoke to my GP and the police when he lied about all the imagined threats and intention to hurt him. Because they made me feel sane. He also threatened to kill himself, I was so sick of him I said do it I don’t care. (Removed by moderator). Lo and behold immediate terror no longer suicidal and guess what, apparently he never said it I made it up. (removed by moderator).

I need control of my money so I can prepare for the future and any uncertainties.!it is the first time in my life I do not know if I have any savings. I usually keep at least (removed by moderator) months salary saved just in case. He has all the savings and technically I have access however he has so many direct debits set up and credit cards I cannot access I don’t have a clue.

I’m ready to change that, and I’m ready for Marriage councilling, Which he seems reluctant to do now.

I wanted another baby, I’ve given up on that, yet he still says it’s my fault he is not having sex with me. I laughed, honest truth he can’t get it up because he spends so much time w*****g whilst watching porn. As soon as I had the baby he changed into a controlling pig.

[Lottieblue]

The first thing you need to do is to get yourself a bank account to which he has no access. Most accounts can be opened entirely online – even this little step will make you feel you have a bit of control. Make sure you can manage it online. X

[Wants To Help]

Hi again,

Is this really a marriage you think you can save? Do you want to save it? If he is building up evidence against you to prove you are an unfit mother that does not sound like a partnership that is worth saving to me.

Start by taking control of your finances back. In an equal relationship you should really have access to joint bank accounts and savings and know what is there. You should know what debit/credit cards each other has. Any secret ones or secret debt is not part of a healthy and equal partnership.

At lottieblue has suggested, open up a new bank account for yourself. Have an online one that is paperless. If you can set up one with your existing bank this should be easier because they will already have your details and identity confirmed. If necessary, create a new email address for yourself too for your online banking. Contact your HR department and have your salary paid from next month in to your new bank account. If your ex doesn’t like this then tough. You can then set up a standing order each month in to any joint account that covers the household bills etc, but at least you are receiving your own money and you are deciding how much of it leaves your account each month. You can then start to build up some savings again.

Being in a relationship with an abuser who knows the system is very difficult for us to deal with, we start off on the back foot in some way. With the occupation of his parents, and his own, he will be aware of the Safeguarding Protocols for children and will know what amounts to abuse, hence him recording you after he’s provoked you and keeping a log of your behaviour. You are living under constant surveillance.

Please do not consider having another child with this man. Nothing will get any easier or better, if anything, it will just make things even worse.

[Gojetters]

He left a an (detail removed by moderator) letter on the table, there was information on that there was (detail removed by moderator) transferred into an unknown account in (detail removed by moderator). He said it was a fraud attempt?? I don’t understand why would anyone put money into your account?

I’m so tired of this, I’ve got in touch with the bank and said I can freeze the money in our joint account, there seems to be only (detail removed by moderator) in there he has put our savings somewhere else.

Also I can’t help thinking he wants me to separate my money from his so I end up paying everything and he can say he is being abused because he earns less.

I am also pretty sure he is hiding money in his parents account. I really feel like I’m stepping into a trap.

Can anyone help? He has also put our child’s money into an account we’re he is the person In charge, I have no say. This is really hurtful because my parents and family members put that money in their for my child. I know my husband he will somehow arrange it in his head so he it looks like he took the money because it was in the interest of the child.

Can you help me please. FYI I do have a meeting set up with someone from citizens advice but that is still 2 weeks away.

[Gojetters]

(detail removed by Moderator) I got a letter from social services saying that if we do not sort ourselves out by going to councilling or splitting up they will have to my child’s safety again.

He has told them a pack of lies, like I am the perpetrator of his abuse. I smacked my newborn baby (I didn’t). I refused to look after my (detail removed by Moderator) week old baby( Maternity leave was over, I’m the bread winner) called him a (baby)little s**t, he clearly thinks it’s ok to shout homophobic and racist obscenities while he is in the car with us both.

He thinks I had PND( I got assesed and so did he. He is the one one prescribed with anti depressants and councilling)
He said I was paranoid and suspicious,logged that in (detail removed by Moderator) in (detail removed by Moderator) I find out I was right he has been having various emotional/sexual relationships online plus he was on dating sites.
He said it was research into BDSM he wanted to know how to be a submissive so he could deal with my abuse. Only he was taking the domanatrix role and his test group were not varied, all (detail removed by Moderator) yr old (detail removed by Moderator) girls. Not only that he had set himself as available with pic of him when he was (detail removed by Moderator). I didn’t buy it was my fault. I didn’t know what to think. He technically didn’t cheat. So he talks to mummy and comes back and says he realises he was cheating.

So he has logged all his lies. I have logged nothing, how do I get my side heard?
How do I show this man is lying?

His come home today looking for a fight. I did not engage. He is complaining about the (detail removed by Moderator) I’ve selected for my child.I asked if I am notable to make that decision? He has Thrown a tantrum and sulked off to The cellar to gimp and record the abuse I’m inflicting on him.

[Gojetters]

He has come in right now to ask me if the child will sleep tonight. I said I don’t know he hasn’t had a nap.

He says presumably you, you have been with him all day.

I said. I’m not a soothsayer, lots of times he doesn’t have a nap, and he sleeps. Then there are times when he doesn’t sleep.

[Lisa]

Hi GoJetters

I just wanted to show you some support, I am sorry to hear about your situation and how awful your partner is treating you.

It may help for you to get some support from your local domestic abuse service which you can find here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ Social services will see that you are engaging with them and that you are the victim of abuse. Your local domestic abuse service may be able to liaise with social services and even come along to any meeting in the future to help you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[Author]

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