Trauma Bond

[Moonlit Night]

I don’t know much about this – only that I have one.

That it made me stay in a relationship in the hope it would get better.

That it was a more powerful attachment than a ‘normal’ healthy relationships.

That it was caused by a power imbalance and intermittent abuse so I craved for a return of good times.

That it’s created a pathway in my brain that leaves me stuck.

Working on recovery from this, would welcome advise.

[Marmalade]

Hi Moonlit Night,
The trauma bond is like an addiction. No matter how much the rational part of you knows you need to escape, you can’t. It’s like emotional chains. The bond to the person is overwhelming. It’s because of the brain craving the highs that come when there is some positive interaction. The intensity of the feeling is way beyond normal love.
Well done on getting out. There is no magic secret to a fast break of the bond. The answer to reducing the bond is going no contact, or as little contact as possible on handovers if there are children, and the passage of time. Initially you will crave, then there will be periods when you desperately miss him/want to contact him. You need to resist. Every contact will reinforce the bond. It is so hard but over time it gets better.
So look after yourself. Keep busy, have lots of distractions. Be kind to yourself. Resist the urge to contact. Maybe have some of the worst incidents written down, so if you feel you need to see him, you can look at the incident and it will ground you again.
Over time you will be restored to yourself. Best of luck. It’s incredibly tough. You have been so brave to break free. Now work to get the life you deserve away from him.

[Lisa]

Hi Moonlit Night,

The fact you are here, articulating your understanding of the affects of trauma within an abusive relationship is a positive example of your recovery. It is a process, as Marmalade expressed, and will take time.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Many women have found The Freedom Program to be very helpful in understanding the dynamics of domestic abuse and identifying the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. It is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

You could also try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support to reach people before they get to “crisis” point. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

And of course, keep posting here as many women can relate to how your feeling. You are not alone.

Take care,

Lisa

[Weak Link]

Hi Moonlit Night,

I think many of us have been through what you are feeling. Trust me, it takes time to break the bond.

Have you tried redirecting your thoughts by listening to music or picking up a new hobby? I tried painting by numbers helped me, which I had never done before. I also find reading about domestic abuse and effects on the victim makes me feel I should hold my ground and not have any form of contact.

It’s a journey we all go through, but you can do it.

[Grey Rock]

Hi. Sorry you’re going through this. It’s a painful phase on the journey. I was one of the many that found the Freedom Program really helpful. There was also a book that really helped me called Out of the F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) – I had to listen to it as an audio book as I was incapable of focussing on reading an actual book at that point in my life. I’d highly recommend both.

Good luck xx

[Moonlit Night]

Thanks for your replies. I am trying to be my normal proactive self, have ordered the above mentioned book as had several recommendations now and registered with Bloom, been journaling too.

I so hate feeling addicted, it feels so irrational – hate the loss of control over my thoughts; find revisiting my journal grounding and reaching out to others when I feel alone.

Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not.

[Author]

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