Trauma bonded to my home

[KIP.]

Just wanted to post this because one of the things that kept me stuck and he used to keep me stuck was the home. My safe place I used to run home to when I had a panic attack. The place he made me feel I couldn’t do without. Like my world was my home. He threatened that he would force the sale of the home if I divorced him. I would lose my home. I became so desperate to keep it. It’s bizarre. This place is where he did his worst. Yet I was bonded to it. I’ve been away from abuse for a while now and I want to say to the ladies still struggling. Many people at the time told me I would make a new home. It was only bricks and mortar. I didn’t belive them. But it’s true. It’s a confidence thing. I now have the confidence to walk away if I have to and make a fresh start in a new home. It’s taken me a long time to realise he used the home just like he used the threat of taking my son. Nasty mind games. I’d take my freedom over my house anytime now. Don’t get stuck in that trap 👍

[lover of no contact]

Gosh I can identify. They were also the two threats he used against me that he would have the day to day care of the children, in our home if our abusive relationship was to be ended by me. Yes if he couldn’t abuse me then he would take my children and my home. And I would be without my children and my home. They are two huge threats. But the key is to lose my attachment to my home. And I loved the way you said we will make a new home. It is only bricks and mortar. We can make a fresh start in a new home. This is so true.

Change is a different best my friend used to say. And sometimes letting go of the old to make way for the new is a good thing. A home really is just a space where we reside. We can make and develop new spaces where we reside. Letting go of the old and embracing the new. Life is about change and moving on.

[magicunicorn]

glad I found this post. I love my home and find it hard to part with it, but i do know in my head if he goes and i get to come back i think i will struggle cause its like in this room this happened and in that room this happened. i have never had a beautiful home like i do now but having to come to turns with it would be better in the long run to move on and start again. have to keep in my head that yes its just bricks and mortar you can build a new home. x*x

[Suntree]

I wish I didn’t listen and get ground down with the you won’t cope on your own.

I was so exhausted I believed him.

I not only cope on my own I thrive.

There is a piece of me that wishes I left when I first thought I made a mistake. I hung on because of the house, because I thought I would lose everything, that it wasn’t that bad destroy my dream.
What I didn’t realise is there is ways out,
it was a dream and not reality
and over time it got worse and I lost far more in every way.

[Suntree]

I wish I didn’t listen and get ground down with the you won’t cope on your own.

I was so exhausted I believed him.

I not only cope on my own I thrive.

There is a piece of me that wishes I left when I first thought I made a mistake. I hung on because of the house, because I thought I would lose everything, that it wasn’t that bad destroy my dream.
What I didn’t realise is there is ways out,
it was a dream and not reality
and over time it got worse and I lost far more in every way.

[Ayanna]

I too was fixated on the home that I had with him. I wanted to keep it.
But after I was alone in there for a few days I had these awful nightmares and I relived everything what he had done to me in there constantly, without a break.
The housing association wanted me out because they supported the abuser.
Someone said to me that I was actually in real danger because he knew where I was.
He broke bail conditions and came to the home.

I found it very hard to give that place up. I did it out of fear and because I was totally broken and could not deal with the nightmares and flashbacks in there.

Today I am glad that I left. My place is not ideal yet but much better. And there are no bad memories to it.

[Serenity]

I’m so glad that you have reached this point,KIP.

I fought to keep the house for my children’s security. It would have been dreadful for hem to have moved amidst all the trauma, plus so know he’s hiding money abroad. The house was mine and the kids’ future security.

My ex too knew how much blood and sweat I’d put into the house, and used it as a threat. He did this when he left. They try to make us believe that we won’t survive without them, that the world is a scary place. They try to sabotage our working life, because they don’t want us to find fulfilment out there in the world. They want us to be prisoners in their warped regime.

My ex thought I’d crumble and beg to have him back, turning a blind eye to the affairs, solo holidays and money siphoning, and tolerating his abuse of us all. It was a tough couple of years financially and emotionally, but I am slowly recovering, and Ive survived.

I won’t move yet because the children need stability, but I don’t intend to stay here, or to keep this house as a relic. I will downsize, find a house more manageable, so I have time to live ‘out in the world’ more, not be tied to the house. After he left, I was agoraphobic, and I still feel a little like that at times, but the more I go out there, the easier it gets.

When I met him, I worked in (removed by moderator). I want to be the fearless person again.

My house does hold some memories of abuse, but not so much as my first house. He was very physical in that one, before we had kids. The doors were cracked by his rages, etc. His abuse became more insidious in years.

I was just thinking how I often had (removed by moderator) in this present house. I think their presence saved me: he didn’t like to a usevopenly with them around. In fact during the periods when we had no (removed by moderator), his abuse would increase. Like he had free license again.

[Author]

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