Trauma bonded

[Starmoon]

hes gone… And I’m facing today alone. I feel shattered mentally and physically. I don’t know how I’ll get threw today never mind every day afterwards. I’ve been here with this heart brake so many times and it’s a feeling I can’t stand. It’s so consuming. I would rather lose a limb than this. I feel like I’ve lost half of myself. Like he was my soul mate. I wish people could understand this I really do. When I talk about what our relationship was like and now what he’s done to me, everyone tells me its not normal, not acceptable… How could I stand living like that?! And my answers always that it’s because it’s only my interpretation of things… Will I ever truly know if he was an abuser or if it is just me with a warped sense of things that happen. I’ve been on this site for over a year now and each time I think I’ve decided either way something sets me back and makes me question it. I though coinseling was the answer… So that I could see where I went wrong, understand why he reacted in certain ways. We only made two sessions before things spiraled out of control and I don’t know if that was down to me or him. I was desperately waiting for our next session of counseling so I could make sense of things. But he reverted back to saying he knew what he needed to do and he didn’t need to pay a counselor to tell him, that it was me with the problem. Maybe it is.. All of you on here seem so sure of what you’re going threw. I’m not for a second saying it’s easy… But maybe I really am so messed up that I never will be able to make sense of any of this. It’s like there must be part of my brain that just isn’t there. What seems to make sense to me just isn’t reality. It’s so messed up. My perception is all wrong. I’m so blown away by this concept that I feel like my heads going to explode. If I tell someone of an event with him then it appears he’s abusive but it’s going to look like that when my perception is so wrong isn’t it

[KIP.]

Never go to counselling with an abuser. He was obviously getting found out and decided to take back control and not return. You are right in the trauma bonding. That’s why you want him back. You can actually see that and that is wonderful. Your head is telling you the right rational thing but your heart (trauma bonding) is fighting the truth. I was totally confused for months but I stuck to no contact and the more I distances myself from the relationship, the more fog lifted. You need to give yourself a chance to heal from the drug addiction which is trauma bonding. It really is worth it. I was desperate like you when my ex was arrested and bailed but somewhere in my gut I knew he would eventually hurt me really really badly so survivor mode took over. Give yourself a chance to get to this stage. I was never sure of what I was doing. I was traumatised and just out one foot in front of the other. I don’t know how I survived the first 6 months. Probably because of WA, my family and friends and eventually a determination that I was worth more. My self esteem and confidence were so low because of the abuse. Remember that too. Stay strong. Try to do something today that will take your mind off him. I used to do housework or re arrange my wardrobe, colouring in adult colour books. Read as much as you can. Lundy Bancroft and Pat Craven. Go total no contact. Abusers hate that. And when he comes crawling back you will be so much stronger. Just take baby steps at this stage and realise you have the power to change your future and break this dysfunctional cycle. We are all strong women on here to survive hell. So turn that strength against him. Take all the help you can get❤️

[Suntree]

The moment I stopped thinking is it me or them and let that puzzle go it gave me the freedom to relearn about relationships.
Start again from the beginning. All I knew is that my normal was not a good normal and one that allowed me to be the best I could.
I decided that I would look at relearning about people and that I would see myself as that child in the playground, but this time I had me as the adult to talk to me.
Bit like the advice you would give your best friend. I became mine and for once I listened.
I decided the more I put good things into my life the less room there would be for the bad things.
Honestly I really did have it the wrong way around for so long.
By giving my energy to the c**p things I had very little room left for the good things.
And giving myself permission to start from the basics, I gave myself time and space without a time limit or even an end point.
I did the freedom program, that was hard, but what it also gave me was how good, nice people behave that was strange, I asked advice from others on forums and I limited the amount I talked about the past with my friends and used a therapist. I limited my time on the internet searching for answers.
The internet the biggest eater of time I know and it isn’t always your friend.
I was getting frankly bored with hearing my own voice and the same old record and if I was getting bored I have no idea how the few people around me were feeling and I didn’t want to push them away.
It also didn’t allow me to move on or learn. And believe me I needed to learn.
It gave me a chance to start changing the script. I reasoned if my brain could give me negative feedback to negative parts of my life, the brain was clever enough to do the opposite and give me positive feedback to positive things.
It made me have to think of other things, do other things, so I would think back to when I was happy and what did I do? For me it was music, dancing. I dug out the music that made me smile and for ages I used that to help me though so much.

I needed to learn to be still, simple things that others take for granted
I got out and found a hobby that allowed me to slowly mix with people again and not talk about the relationship at all and be in the fresh air.
I learnt to breath.

I learnt with help about boundaries, what they really are and how my were crossed and that its okay to say, I don’t like the way you are treating me and terminating any friendship and NOT have to JUSTIFY myself. that was probably the hardest and still is.

Slowly through all that the never ending circle of was it or was it not abuse. Did I or did I not cause it? is nolonger a question in my life.

HTH Suntree

[Whathaveidone]

Hi Starmoon,

When you say “All of you on here seem so sure of what you’re going threw. I’m not for a second saying it’s easy…But maybe I really am so messed up that I never will be able to make sense of any of this”

Firstly all of this is NOT your fault. Trust me, I’m not sure of what’s happening to me. I’m still with my partner and like you believe he is my soulmate. But starting to question whether he really is or not. Why is he treating me like this? Does he even know what he is doing? We understand each other so much…or at least I thought we did. I’m still with him. I’ve only just found this form x days ago and I can’t even bring myself to conclusively leave him and try and to build my life from where I left off. I’ve been with him for so many years but he’s the only person I’ve been with so I don’t know how a functioning , normal relationship is like. I just feel like he understands me and protects me. He’s so funny so it appears as though I’m happy but when I look at the not-so-nice things he does, I brush it off as me being too sensitive. But my instincts tell me no – he’s the one in the wrong even though I can’t challenge him.

In an ideal world I wouldn’t be with him, I look retrospectively at the times when I could have escaped. All the warning signs were there yet somehow I chose to ignore them – because he was different with me. Made me feel special, helped me through things nobody else did whilst still controlling me. How could this be? I can still leave now but I can’t at the same time – I feel so trapped in my mind. I know what he does is wrong but in reality I really just want to make this work. He says this is the longest relationship he’s ever been in and when he talks about his exes I can pinpoint the same controlling characteristics. Yet I’m still with him. What’s more crazy is that we’re planning to start a family in the future. I do want children but at the same time now I don’t want to bring them into this relationship. I dread to think what bringing a daughter especially will do and I don’t wnt my son to grow up and turn into him. I thought having a family will change him for the better. He’s so good with children but that’s the thing – it’s other people’s children. He’s good with other people. Helpful, kind, funny, socialable, charsmatic but to me he’s all those things and then some. Controlling, manupilative, he can make me cry and laugh within minutes in twisted way.

I could go on but Starmoon, what I’m trying to say is that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. I don’t know what it feels to be without him but what I do know is that when I think I’ve got it all sussed out – I haven’t. My thoughts are in a mess. I know all the bad he’s done but it just seems much worse than it is when written down. I love him with all my heart and all I ask is that he is just that little bit less controlling and that he actually listens to and take genuine responsibily sometimes. It’s not that hard so why won’t he do it? I don’t see that happening. I’m hopeful but only in my heart because my head is telling me that he is an abuser. If he truly loved me, why would I feel this way? but I justify it my mind by telling myself maybe he doesn’t know what he is doing? He means well. but does he?….

^^^this is a segment of my thought pattern at the moment – all over the place. You’re not alone.

Hugs
Whathaveidone

[Ayanna]

What you need to do is to find the real you. You can only do this if nobody influences you. It is a daily journey, exploring everything that comes along whether that resonates with you or not. I needed to learn simple things such as which is my favorite color? Which is my favorite music?
Finding out simple things in the every day life helped me to become content with the fact that I got rid of him and that I had the opportunity to enjoy freedom.
You will form the real you with time and at some point you cannot imagine anymore that someone like this comes even near you. x*x

[Whathaveidone]

Do you know what Ayanna, as you’ve said that I just thought to myself, what was my favourite colour before I met him. It was (removed by moderator). Somehow since being with him, (removed by moderator) seems to be my favourite colour now. It sounds strange but when he got involved in my life he would gradually buy me things that were (removed by moderator) and tell me things like “I’ve noticed you like the colour (removed by moderator)” or “I think (removed by moderator) is your fav colour”.

I mean personally I think (removed by moderator)  is a nice colour but it’s just so weird to think that he can control simple things like deciding what my own favourite colour is.

Oh goodness, I’ve just realised he doesn’t even allow me to listen to music (unless it’s (removed by moderator))

[Serenity]

Starmoon,

I saw a friend yesterday who
I haven’t seen for months.

She asked how I was.

I found myself summarising that I would never come to terms with what he did, but I am determined to move on to a place where I don’t think about him.

I don’t think any of us here will come to terms properly with what happened to us, in terms of explaining it or justifying it; but we will
hopefully come to love ourselves and our lives above the selfishness of our abusers, so that they shrink in our minds and become pathetic cartoons rather than powerful symbols in our minds.

[Nemo]

had a ‘low’ day today, but reading these words has just given me my Hope back ⛅

“I don’t think any of us here will come to terms properly with what happened to us, in terms of explaining it or justifying it; but we will hopefully come to love ourselves and our lives above the selfishness of our abusers, so that they shrink in our minds and become pathetic cartoons rather than powerful symbols in our minds.”

Thanks Serenity 😘

[Author]

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