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So I’ve been reading about this and it makes so much sense. The cortisol when things are bad, then the dopamine when the abuser contacts you or is nice. I’ve read that we need to find alternate coping mechanisms. I get it.
Thing is I don’t know what part of my brain to believe. I’ve had an advisor on here saying he’s dangerous , I’ve had children’s services say they support supervised contact which he is choosing not to have so isn’t seeing the kids.
I’ve had my family begging me not to fall for it again but some friends say that people can change.We split last year, he’s absolutely done a lot of work on himself as the last while has been good, calm. But I saw tiny signs of past behaviour and then he was too rough with our daughter. If it wasn’t for the past I’d say he’d just need advising on parenting techniques as it wasn’t violent and he didn’t hurt her.
I’m now thinking I overreacted calling the police? And how I’ve caused all the service involvement now. If I were to allow contact and something happened I wouldn’t be deemed protective.I also think I’ve been watching and waiting for him to do something which must have been a lot of pressure.
I’m thinking have I ruined what could have been ok? He has made changes for sure. That said, he started to not converse with me as well as he was. For instance I said I’d had my counselling and I wasn’t sure if I could move on from what has happened in the past. He wouldn’t talk. He’d say “how long are we going to go over this for”.Anyway, I’m rambling.
Trauma bonding. We’ve spoken and I do feel so much better afterwards which suggests it’s trauma bond. But I don’t know which part of my mind to believe. I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in so many directions I don’t know who or what to believe.Does that resonate with anyone? Xx
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I think if you reread your post there are so many reason to step back and think, you sound like he is getting to you absolutely and no contact would be your best option if you can.
He is not acknowledging what he has put you through, dismissive of it. Saying when will you move forward and irritated by you going over things and needing counselling. Sorry is the word he should be using if he really understands what he’s doing or has done but he is not. Please don’t fall for it.
He has not changed he is exact the same as my husband and will always say you’re overreacting or are in fact the problem never him.
Please take care if people say he’s dangerous he is xx
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Thank you Chocolatebunnie,
Thing is when we split the last time he spent months accepting responsibility, talking about the abuse etc. Then moved back in and after a few months when I brought it up again, was dismissive, wouldn’t talk. His behaviour during this split were red flags too- going from one tactic to another and none of them were working. Now we’re split, he can talk calmly again and is open to explore conversations.
Thank you for your honestly. My mind is a complete mess!
How are you doing? Xx -
Yes he said and did whatever necessary to get you hooked again.
He’s going to keep doing everything and anything to get you back again.
like the other lovely ladies have said, give yourself some space as you can’t see the wood for the trees. You’re back in it. The fog will clear with space.
I’m doing ok thanks, he’s being normal, it’s normal but I haven’t forgotten everything he’s said and done. He was leaving me a week ago, you’d never guess it was ever said. He’s fine, I’m hurt. As we all know they say and do whatever they can to stay in control. But I’m wised Tobit now.
It’s so hard, I think harder once you’re out to stay strong. You’re doing well and you’re listening to your gut feeling. Keep moving forwards to the future and plan things that are going to make you feel good, take your mind off him. Keep posting you’ve got this and we are all here for you xx
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Do they know they’re doing it do you think? As in, they consciously do it? Or are they so warped they’re unconscious to it? I mean, who actually would CHOOSE to do this?! It’s horrendous!
Are you sure we’re not with the same guy? 🤣 mine does the exact same thing, sometimes literally minutes after! I suppose that’s part of messing with our minds.
I’m sorry you’re hurt. I remember it so well. Couldn’t get through a week without it and long gone were the days I’d look forward to the weekends, I’d start to dread them! But this was before he “changed” after our split . This time weekends were actually nice.
It is harder once out for sure. I was so much more determined leading up to the split and whilst still living together xx
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I think they know and don’t care, but I also think there’s times it just comes so naturally that it’s just who they are, so not planned, but never sorry. You will alway be the trigger, the reason for the behaviour, it’s always our fault.
Yes they are similar are they 😂
Tactics the same here too, before one split the weekends were horrendous and now much better. Not always but better. But it’s them switching it up and choosing when to be nice, I don’t think being nice is easy and takes effort on their part.
I’m dreading making the split I totally get where you are but keeping looking forwards, you will heal and make room for better things x*x
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Hi Discombobulated2022
Just to say that I completely understand and the wavering makes sense to me – I often have this too.
But you are too much in the middle of it all to know what to think.
It sounds like you need to step back and have some time away from him so you can gain a better perspective on everything you have been through.
You need time and space. Hopefully you can get this now.
Also please don’t worry about the police. You did what you had to do to protect your child. Surely it’s their job to decide if you overreacted.
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Thank you @tryingtosleep
Time and space is a good idea. He’s supposedly distraught and crying every time he thinks of the kids, get one of them tried to ring him and he didn’t respond for hours as out all day with his mate. If you’re that distraught wouldn’t you take any thing you could for your kids? And that includes supervised contact. He refuses to do this yet doesn’t come up with a plan ? I’ll be d****d if I’m going to do it for him.
Hope you’re ok?
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Hi Discombobulated2022, you are right…. if he was in tears every time he thinks of his children then he would’ve picked up that call so fast… as he is abusive he took control even with his child and spoke when it suited him. (My husband was similar in many ways… my 2 are teens and chose not to see their dad quite some months back now,TF)..
Reading your post he is describing himself (in my opinion) as depressed… crying, distraught because he misses his children… but his actions told the truth.The police involved can feel very overwhelming and I remember things becoming very ‘real’ as agencies were involved alongside the police.. you did right by your child, please be kind to yourself…you are a great mum ❤️
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Om goodness @Discombobulated2022
I could have written this myself…Ex is desperate to see/speak with the kids…
Yet still hasn’t come up with a date when he wants to actually do this.
And when he calls is clearly drinking so they don’t want to speak with him…
I try to understand that he’s ill.
I’m just glad he’s not here.
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Try flipping how you look at it, for example ask yourself what advice you’d be giving a friend or your daughter. It helps take the emotions out and see things clearer x
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