Trauma bonding

[Tobfree]

I till recently have never known about trauma bonding

And this i feel is exactly what has been happening to me and still is

Has any ladies also been through this and has any ladies got out of this

And if so how did u escape this horrible torture

Its like being on a rollar coaster ride thrills excitement then fearful scared traumatised

Sometimes it easy to just take the blame even though it is not your fault at all
Just so this stops the punishments the cruel cold hurtful things that is said n done to u

Yet then even in the calmer kinder treatment towards u
He still playing mind games manipulation tactics n guilt trips

Going through this is scary so confusing so bewildering so depressing so devastating

[Fudgecake]

Hi Tobfree,
I’m sorry that you’re going through the never ending cycle that they put us through.
But it’s the cycle that trauma bonds us to them. They say/do hurtful things most of the time and then will throw a scrap of kindness to us which we react to like an endorphin rush. It’s this glimmer of the old them,the one who love bombed us and made us feel like we were adored that we constantly look for and try to please them in the vain hope that partner who we first met will reappear. Sadly, they can switch between the two in an instant and in my experience the mean/nasty person gets more prevalent. I’m sorry to say but if you stay the mind games and punishment/reward cycle will get worse and you’ll be ground down into non existence. Nothing of the old you will be able to be expressed and you’ll be like an empty vessel.
You’ll feel like you’re going insane, your health will decline and finally he will break you completely. I was at this stage when I left. I left all my belongings and sentimental things. I don’t regret it.
However, when you leave the trauma bonding really shows and you go into withdrawal where you’ll feel lost without them and feel like running back into the arms of your punisher. And they will punish you if you return for daring to have an independent thought.
I left and went no contact- it’s the only way. I’m not sure if I’d weaken if I contacted him- I don’t trust myself to find out. I wish you well and hope you make the decision that’s best for you, but being free and able to be yourself is worth it in my opinion.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there,

I was/am definitely trauma bonded to my ex. Fudgecake describes it perfectly; those scraps of kindness or crumbs of affection somehow made the abuse “okay”. Sometimes when tension had been building for a while, I have to admit there was even a sense of relief when he’d “finally” hit me again, just to get it over with so that those scraps and crumbs could come back even if just for a very short time. In hindsight, it’s not even like those scraps and crumbs I received were full of love and caring, they just weren’t abusive. And then the cycle started over again.

No contact was a choice that was made for me by the police. That eventually lead to me making the choice of requesting a restraining order that I was granted. It’s been some time now without any contact between he and I, but I too have doubts on how I’d react if there was contact. If I were completely honest, I think it very likely that I would do whatever he’d want me to do, say whatever he’d want me to say. It wouldn’t be the first time he would have instructed me on what to say in a police statement afterall. So I think the trauma bond is still there, but it gets weaker every day, every hour, every minute without contact. There are still moments I cry, I miss him, I love him, I want him back, and in those moments I read a list I made over the many horrible things he put me through over the years. Or I read my posts on this forum where I talk about these horrible things. And it helps putting it into perspective.

[Tobfree]

Thanks for advise ladies it helps me see more clearly
And helps me take back my life my power
Its not easy with so many games being played from the manipulation till the after all i done for u and the mental emotional kicks i have endured and still do
There is no excuse for abuse
We are all ways to blame all ways at fault n criticised lots
The mr nice guy was more so than mr nasty
Yet it all very manipulative n controlling
Taking one day at a time step by step

[Author]

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