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Read an interesting article I can’t find now but it basically said that people can be bonded together through abuse and trauma and that this bond can be even stronger than love. I totally agree with this. I could never figure out why I should love a man who raped and abused me in just about every way. I keep coming back to this trauma bonding. It’s the best explanation I can find. That and oxytocin in domestic abuse. The longer I’m out of this toxic relationship, the clearer things become. It’s like walking out of a cloud. I still have bad days, but they’re much fewer and usually when I’ve had to deal with nonsense from my husband.
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I agree. Trauma bonding is based on fear – as well as other things, lack of identity etc. But the chemicals produced by fear, yes, so hard to overcome. Fear is the most powerful emotion. To conquer fear is to find freedom. Conquering fear of our abusers in whatever way possible is the way to freedom.
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After leaving my ex and exploring my feelings and why i took abuse for so long, i realized that we actually become like an experiment when with them, they treat us so bad and we don’t know how to handle abuse so when we receive that hug after such brutal treatment , we respond to that hug when we feeling so scarred, so when we leave them, even though we have escaped the abuse we search for that comfort which we got from hug, which makes the seperation harder if that makes sense, i remember after beating me he’d want to hug me, i was so against this and used to think stay away, but by force he’d hug me and it was the trapped hugs that just used to make me eventually drift off knowing i couldnt get away from his grip ,, but once we escape we can brreath again and abuse comes clear and we have to redjust knowing only staying away we can get comofort
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It is also called Stockholm Syndrome. It goes so far that victims defend their abusers. I did that. The police looked through me. I realised much later what had happened with me. But before I protested that the police insisted on taking him to court. I am so grateful they went ahead with it. They were such good people.
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I have no doubt I’m suffering trauma bonding. its a truly horrible place to be. But I am better than I was. I can do my job. I can take care of my kids. The crippling anxiety in the mornings…the 5am frights I call them are awful but I hope to god that once I’m in my own house again and ties are cut the anxiety will fade.
It’s so hard when they talk of living you all the time and what you need to replace the word love with is traumatise. I’d find it easier if there was more physical injuries to be clear that it’s abuse and not me being crazy. X -
Thats interesting Heathyarchive that you say your head tells you he is a low life yet your heart tells you something else. I am feeling this way, I know he has been so horrible to me yet when he is nice I have stil felt drawn to him, i have resisted every single time reminding nmyself how he will change,but it feels like me feelings (my heart ) have a mind of their own at times x
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I can’t think of any good word to say about him, and yet if I feel like loosing him, I get desperate. I wish him to cheat, hoping it would make it easier for me to escape, and when I start to suspect him, it makes me shiver. Oh how he used to call me names. How I had to tiptoe around him so that he would be pleased, and I never suceeded, and yet I am still longing for his affection. He could spit at me and I would forgive him instantly after the argument is gone. If my parents express their worry that he is not the best partner for me or my mum says he is using me, I immediately start to defend him!!! I cant think of any reason to love him. He is not a good man, but I still do love him. this ill bond stops me from escaping the relationship i dont want to be in.
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Dear ENF & Anabela, The best info that I’ve read on Trauma Bonding is the books by Zari Ballard, N********t Free is amazingly helpful in understanding our psychology and how we are hooked in with trauma bonding. It goes right into detail, it gave me a huge understanding as to why I felt like i did. Also this link is really great too. (detail removed by moderator)
Dear Godschild, thank you for your comments. Its been a no. of months now since we split, I wrote my last post on here in April and I’m pleased to say that i no longer get that 24/7 yearning and deep desperation of missing him. It now comes in fits & starts and certainly not as much as before. I still think about him every single day and dream of abuse or horrible men every night. I really feel for you Godschild, it must be unbelievably hard as you live with your abuser. X*X
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