Trauma – why is it coming back to me now?

[Hopingforpeace]

Hi, so id been doing ok for few years but in last 9 months or so I keep getting flashbacks. It was to one particular incident but now in last month or so its to another one too. Last night I had his awful dream and its all going round in my head. i hope its ok to write this here. ive never actually spoken about it in this way before, but I need to get it out of my head. This could be triggering for some so please be careful if reading further.

My boyfriend and I had been out with another friend. My boyfriend had left me in the bar and just disappeared. I couldn’t find him anywhere. Found our friend and he walked me home. My boyfriend (now ex) then finally turned up at my flat. I was talking to him in my room asking him where he had been and I was upset as he had just left me. Our friend was in the flat in the hall and kept asking my boyfriend if he was going with him or staying and my boyfriend was like yes im coming. We were still talking and I was upset that he had just left me and wanted him to stay. Our friend was shouting to hurry up and came in my room and I asked him to leave. His friend pushed me and shouted at me. I told him to get out. He left the room. My boyfriend did nothing. I said to him aren’t you going to say anything but he had a go at me instead. He was blaming me, said he had to go and I was making him stay talking to me. My boyfriend grabbed me and threw me across the room. I grabbed the phone and tried to call the police but I didnt get chance to ask for them. He shoved me hard back against my bed and put a pillow on my face. I was stunned at first, then I couldn’t breathe, I was terrified. I tried to get the pillow off me but he was too strong. I started to panic and I struggled more waving my arms around and he let go and ran out the room and just left me. I remember i had a graze on my back which bruised and I had a mark on there for ages afterwards. I had a small cut in the middle of my collar bone, just where it goes in, he must have got me with his nail or something I don’t know. i think i had a bruise on my arm too. I noticed the next day that the slats under my mattress had moved which scared me all over again as showed how hard he pushed me back. i was in such a state the next day, he refused to speak to me, said it was my fault, had a go at me, said he couldn’t come see me. Then he switched the next day and was saying sorry and did I hate him. But then after that he was denying he put a pillow on my face. I have tried to block it out for years as was so traumatised by that night but every so often it comes back to me but more so recently than ever before.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that your flashbacks have started. I suddenly got them a couple of years after I left. Try to look after yourself. I had some therapy which was largely useless but reduced the amount of flashbacks I had.

[freedomtochoose]

can’t remember who said it, think it was KIP but my understanding too is that durng the time and after we left we were stil in survival mode, and then we go into a different phase…

which is maybe less ‘busy’ in terms of things we have to do, but it means that our brains are finally processing some things that we (they) haven’t had a chance to…so far.

I know that doesn’t help much. And believe me I know exactly how painful and frightening such dreams and flashbacks can be. Here are some things I do to try and help myself…

keep a notebook in your handbag, when nothing else works write in it what you can. I also put in mine lists of things to do, and to stave off depression, things I have already done, that day or that week. I tend to discount stuff and criticise myself a lot so this helps me to ‘prove’ to myself that am not a complete layabout…

if I have a frightening dream, I light a candle and remember a higher power cares for me. if I am really scared I phone Samaritans, especially if it is the middle of the night and tell them I just need to keep talking…freephone 116 123.

self care. what they call ‘grounding’. favourite essential oil. buddhist meditation on fear (google it) – well of grief meditation can be used for grief but also for fear….

write on here, you can do this even if it is the middle of the night.

watch the moon out of the window and know there will be another day..

big hug

ftc
x

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