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Im so annoyed with myself. I tried to break up tonight. I started a conversation, got all upset.. discussed loads of stuff alot of how i feel and how his behaviour makes me feel and the things he does and says etc. Alot of his feedback was reflecting about how its “cause and effect” and how I bring alot of it on myself by things i do or dont do which would prevent his negative temperament etc. I discussed his aggression which he completely confused with anger and annoyance and wouldnt really acknowledge it as aggression and passed most things off as no where near as bad as other people or what other people go through or i dont realise how lucky i am and how easy i have it conpared to other people and i live a closed life where i dont realise how easy i have it. Im annoyed with these responses yet i still couldnt bring myself to finalise seperation! I dont know if it was because he got upset about his relationahip with our child or because i feel sorry for him and mother him or because i do genuinely care and love the guy but it just sort of swayed back around to a calm place before he got bored of talking and said he is too tired to talk now he wants to watch the rest of his tv programme and go to bed and that he thinks i like the sound of my own voice! Grrr why is my heart so big and soft!
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I know how you feel. I moved out a while ago, felt my head clear and could think properly. Then the next time I saw him, I was more confused than ever. Is there anyone in your life you can talk to to keep you on track? I called one of my family members to tell her what happened when I saw him and how I felt and she really helped me see it’s not ok. If not, I can tell you from your post that him saying it’s cause and effect is so wrong. My husband tried to do the same thing to me, saying he is frustrated because I am ungrateful and he just can’t communicate. But from an outside perspective, wouldn’t you say that is no excuse for verbal abuse let alone physical? I understand feeling sorry for him too but you have to start realizing he is an adult and if he can’t act properly, you can’t prop him up forever. He needs to sort himself out.
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Oh honey, he’s so textbook it’s sickening. He has turned all of this on to you. It’s your fault, I do it because you provoke me etc etc
I tried that talk all through my c****y marriage. You may as well just bang your head against the wall. He doesn’t care how his behaviour affects you, or in fact he does care, it’s his aim to make you feel that way.
He has just emotionally manipulated you all through your heartfelt effort to talk to him. My ex said the same things word for word! It was hard for you to finalise the end of your relationship because he made it so. He’s brainwashed you into thinking you can’t or shouldn’t or wouldn’t survive without him
Don’t give him that power over you, wait until he’s out and just go. No talking, no explaining, just get the heck outa there xx
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Do what I did tell pack some stuff and get the hell out of there. Don’t tell him whether you are coming be vague say you’re confused and don’t know what’s going on. Speak to women’s aid and make a safe exit plan. I got the rest of my stuff later I just needed to leave I hadn’t planned it I just wanted out and space to think. I just knew I felt unhappy. I know he’s your husband and you’re a good person you can’t just walk out with explaining why but these guys are arseholes they love it when you are explaining yourself the more you talk the worse it is keep it minimal with him then there is less chance he will think that you know he’s manipulating you. Just tell him you want everything to work and please please show no signs of leabumb it’s dangerous. Mine honestly had no idea I was gone for good I never talked about returning, wouldn’t see him and stopped jumping when he said how high. I simply kept saying I need time to work at our marriage but we aren’t happy and I refuse to put us back in that place. My goodness did I actually make it sound so believable I even believed my own b******t lol I don’t even know if it was the truth I was so mixed up but could not show him even when I left that it was for good otherwise I think he would have gone mental I played it down as much as I could x
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Positive and looking ahead..thats brilliant! Well done…
My H also, used to tell me that I had it good compare to so many…that most men he worked with were awful with their wives and talked terrible about them…that he was trustworthy…blah blah blah..then the next day he would be telling me…f..ing this…f…ing that..he would dance on my f….ing grave…pushing, shoving…then when you inch towards the door…the sad looks come on his face and his eyes…all weepy.
I am doing similar to PALA now..I live only part the time with H…he lives and works mostly in the old town…I am gradually moving away, without discussing thigns…and it works for me. I have my space most of the time.
HG TUDOR……read his blogs..KNOWING THE NARCISST….very, very good. How I wish I had read H G Tudor all those years ago. REAL eye opener. x
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