Trigger warning – marital rape

[Aliceinwonderland]

(detail removed by moderator) after separation I am coming to terms with something really horrible and confusing.
When we consummated the marriage many years ago … it was during a big argument he said I should be ashamed of myself as I got too drunk on our wedding night and fell asleep without consummating the marriage… he shouted at me and accused me of all different things and he told me I wasn’t leaving the room until the deed had been finished… I told him I didn’t want to but he locked the door and I submitted because my family/ friends were in the same venue waiting for us to meet them for breakfast…
at the time I was shocked and confused…
On the honeymoon… I had bought special underwear … he said what are you wearing that for? and refused sex for that week…I don’t know why I wanted it I think I wanted us to make up and have a normal honey moon still.
Throughout the years of marriage and children I don’t think I thought about it or realised that it was an issue… but he started talking about putting a lock on our bedroom door and I couldn’t cope it was one of the many reasons I finally realised our relationship wasn’t normal.It wasn’t until I was scared of him and he physically assualted me that I left him…
we had a lot of normal and consensual sex throughout the marriage in fact it was all consensual and I feel ashamed and angry with my self. Have I remembered things wrong?
I’m so confused and I don’t know why it’s popped up now… literally years later…
I hate him…
Also I am sorry if this triggers anyone else, I feel so ugly inside right now but I can’t speak to anyone…

[hop]

You’re so brave for opening up. I can understand how hard that must’ve been. You’re not remembering wrong. Probably as time goes on you’ll start realising that thing you thought were consensual weren’t and loads of things start coming up. He wanted complete control of everything. My memories only started surfacing after the #MeToo movement and it was only last year I knew I’d definitely been badly abused. After almost a decade.
You’re not ugly, you’re a beautiful, strong woman who stood up to someone who didn’t value her for all her worth. Would you consider ringing the gp? Or the women’s aid helpline? You deserve help. Take care lovely one 💖

[Aliceinwonderland]

Thank you freedomfries01. I’m feeling so horrible at the moment like there’s this big ugly thing inside me… I mentioned it briefly during counselling sessions but I was dealing with bigger issues at the time as in keeping myself and my children safe, supervised access, solicitors and his crazy behaviours… it never seemed a big deal… now things are quieter I guess. Also he’s met someone new and is engaged which seemed to trigger me. I attempted a relationship with someone new and ended it because he wasn’t right and I wasn’t ready.
He did me wrong but I feel like the failure.

[Author]

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