Trigger * what is wrong with me plus I really don’t want to be here

[Rararara]

I left in (detail removed by moderator) after (detail removed by moderator) of cheating lies betrayal abuse violence blame. I let him have contact with his child and got sucked back into the same old false promises. Everything was good for 6-7 weeks and then the lies started appearing again. Other women. His ex. The same old stuff and then I’m the one being punished. The other day I just kept quite about something but cause I wasn’t saying anything he started on me. I was hurt by him and then told to get out (detail removed by moderator) and left to walk the rest of the way.
That should of spoken volumes to me but I stayed. Until (detail removed by moderator) another lie come about and all I said was please don’t treat me like I’m stupid. So now I’ve been discarded cause he can’t be bothered with my s**t.

Is it me ? If I just carried on and acted normal would everything be ok?
I feel like giving him our child and just walking away. I even think (detail removed by moderator)

[Anonymous]

Hello, you sound as if you’re feeling helpless and powerless and this is something that having an abuser in your life can do at times even when we have left them. I hope that you have had some sleep and feel a little better this morning. I’m not sure what support you have but please reach out to someone today… there is help out there to get you feeling stronger to manage this. You could start with the Samaritans or Livechat here? Make an urgent appointment with your GP so they can think about support for you and your children. Your child needs you so will definitely not be better off without you though when you feel this low it’s totally understandable that you find it hard to believe that. There is help out there, if you don’t feel you can keep yourself safe then please go to A and E and you can access support there. You can get back on your feet again, there are people here to listen, support and validate you. You are not alone.

[Rararara]

Thank you for your reply. I just feel so angry at my self, I spent nearly (detail removed by moderator) of the same abuse betrayal lies and hurt. But then it twisted on to me. So why do I still think it would of been any different.
I’m hurt that someone that claims to love and want me, can hurt me that much.
Why did I ever think I’d ever be good enough.

He once said to me ‘ you deserve how I treat you because you keep letting me do it ‘

I don’t understand, the way he treats me is like he hates me and wants to hurt me as much as he can. So why every time I tried walking away he would convince ? And now he literally just told me he didn’t wanna be with me last night when i found out he had been going behind my back yet again/ he denied it of course even though there in black and white. And then said he don’t wanna listen to my s**t. Ain’t arguing and we are done

[Watersprite]

Hey your anger is so understandable. He sounds heartless like abusers are. Can you work on being kind to yourself like an animal gently licks its wounds. You are hurting and maybe frightened about the future? What one thing can you do to soothe yourself today ? To take care of yourself and show yourself a little of the love you deserved and expected and hoped for. Pour your energy into you – understanding abusers is impossible we just don’t think like them and thank goodness for that! It took me over 20! years to leave but I’ve got a life back … x

[Author]

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