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so I haven’t been to see my mum for a while mainly because I feel that my eldest daughter goes now on a regular basis and 1 I don’t want to bump into her and two she has turned the people around my mum against me. I get a text from my daughter saying can you go and see ‘your mum’ I know her angle is that im a c**p at relationships but I don’t go because my eldest triggers me into a real state of panic. She was used by her father to bully me when he couldn’t get to me anymore. im not sure why im writing this and I may not be coping because im tired today. But on occasion I feel my god how can I go on like this? I needed to vent and probably cry! but tomorrow is another day lol xxxx love diymum
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Hi, I’ve been bullied by family members recently and it’s really triggering. It’s controlling behaviour.your daughter needs to worry about her own visits instead of trying to control your life. I had to tell my family member that I wasn’t going to be controlled by them or dictated to when I should or should not visit an elderly relative. I would never dream of doing that to someone. My son tried the bullying behaviour and now I have no contact with him. I’ve reassessed recently who I allow in my life and just because we are connected by blood doesn’t give people the right to bully and intimidate. Go and see your mum when she asks you to or when you feel upto it. Ignore your daughters behaviour. No point in getting into a discussion over it. You won’t win x just do what your conscience dictates.
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Hi DYI that’s nasty and controlling behaviour on the part of your eldest, it’s painful to see how she is recruiting people around your mum and turn them against you.
If your mum is respectful to you, you can always ask her to come around your house for a cup of tea…
I also don’t care if it’s family, if they are abusive they are out. So most of them are out. Brother, sister, mother. Zero contact. I don’t have patience and the nerves for non-sense. I wish a calm peaceful loving life.
Can you block the number of your daughter?
You have a right to a totally abuse free life.
Sending you hugs and you’re right tomorrow will be better again 🙂 -
sometimes when were triggered we know were being irrational (or am i?) but its like wild horses wont drag us back into communicating with family who hurt us. i think you truely get to a stage where enough is enough and you literally cant take anymore. im home now and feel better and thanks for the responses. no contact is how it has to be. i do feel that i have failed her to a degree in not getting out of that awful relationship maybe things would have been different? im actually reading a book just now about raising un-entitled kids im so terrified my youngest will have an entitled attitude – i cant allow that to happen ever xx thanks ladies love diymum xxxx
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This is horrible DM. It’s dreadful and I have also noticed how fam members can easily trigger me. Focus on you and your little one, this is where your power lies. I think she leaves you questioning am I the one in the wrong here and she makes this a weighty trigger through persauding others – who simply do not understand the situation, this also leaves you feeling more under the spot light, which because you dont want adds to the stress of it.
Its a tough situation to manage for sure; guess you dont want her knowing what time you’ll be there if you were able to agree set days. But if you dont have this you run the risk of bumping into one another.
Do you think she would kick off if you did bump into each other in front of others? Wondering if you did go and she was there whether you could treat her with kindness, but sit and wait until she leaves? Just throwing out ideas; would make the staff think what is she on about, her mum seems lovely?! x
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Nope she cant, tis v sad that she fails to see what a wonderful, compassionate mother she has, and the person you truly are – nothing you can do about that but be you. You have done nothing wrong here DM, walk in there with your head held high! Dont even try to disuade her – she has to discover her own awakening. Could you sit outside mums room or in the waiting area until she’s finished visiting if shes there? Just say hello and thats it? x
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I think when they’re younger there’s a chance to influence them. But there comes a time when they really have to learn that when their behaviour is unacceptable, they’re just not welcome. Same in any other walk of life. Yes it’s painful but until they change their own behaviour and recognise it’s nasty and unwarranted, my way of dealing with it is to ignore and only respond to positive behaviour. It’s not your fault. I bet she knows how to behave around others. Having an entitled attitude doesn’t excuse abuse. They know right and wrong x
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your both right i will go to see my mum and if she is there i will make it polite and brief if not i can spend time with my wee mum.the thing is she knows the relationship with my mum was damaged due to her ill health. they learn so well what hurts. i think your right about the entitlement. im reading abook called the me me me epidemic its abut how we are bring up an over entitled next generation. ive only just begun with it but i think maybe i did over parent her. she did join in with his jibes and name calling. she told me from a very young age what are you doing staying here with him. little did we know any of the dynamics that were at play at that time xx i did explain to her that i was trauma bonded there for too traumatised to leave and it was my house! i was honest enough to tell her that her behaviour triggered me to be told dont use cognitive dissonance on me! shes not stupid xxxx but she is very entitled in how she behaves – it makes me always wonder is it nature or nurture. this is one weight that i carry quite heavily on my shoulders x*x love diymum
thanks fizz for the lovely compliments – i dont think she sees me like that! shes been reading books about how to handle immature parents! argh
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I would reply to your daughter to please not invlve herself in your personal matters. Tuese are noone elses.decisions. that you have your own relationship with others, and thats between the two of you noone else.
Then, act indepndent of her.
She will see you act independently, and as woman its important that we do that, but also that young women see that in action.
Yes of course it will be triggering, but you can an have thought this through!
She will learn that she cannot have a say in your own decisions and that she can no longer bully you.
Its a horrible space to exist in as a child to be given power to bully a parent. She is doing as she’s been told, but you are out now and she needs to see it has to stop now.
Warmest wishes
TS
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i need to set my boundaries and i probably dont because i cant think straight through feeling so triggered.i have to also believe that i CAN do this. everytime ive set my sights on something with the frame os mind i will conquer this because i can be very determined. in this situation my guilt ans sense of responsibility is over riding all reason. at least im acknowledging tis as you say – my feelings. i will text her today about not involving herself – im only just rebuilding my relationship with my mum – i wish everything was as complicated but then it was me who brought this about x*x thankyou
much love diymum
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When I get triggered I have a go to mantra…
‘Dont step into the crazy’ – I use this all the time with my mum.
Helps me into an ‘observe only position’, I then either remain quiet or decide what I’d like to say in response – what I dont do is step into it as this only validates it / keeps her delusions real.
This will enable you to stay with your truth x
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that is a good mantra i will use that 🙂 the other one we share is ‘this will pass’ that really works for me! so i sent ‘the’ text saying please dont concern your self in my business because its not your place and nothing. but she did contact her grandad my dad. its fathers day and i go over with his presents to be greeted with the stern father look, you know the one 🙂 he says why is our family so torn apart ? where did we all go wrong. i ended up explaining the dynamics and the cycle of abuse to him, how mothers are undermined from a young age and i had no part to play in what happened. he said i should have left but i explained to him about victim blaming. my father is a very astute man but it hurt me to tell him my daughter told me I was the abuser. he said she is domineering her boyfriend and he sees that. he called later to say i have turned out well and he is proud of the strong good woman i have become. im not blowing my own trumpet but wanted to thank you all for the great advice as always from all of you strong ladies i feel better for having been understood and to be able to be honest xxxx much love diymum
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That is so good to read DM; yes we need support; I had a similar experience with my bro this week – but I think folk can only hear us when they want to hear, when they ask. Otherwise you appear like you are trying to convince and this also hurts. I still think my bro has different ideas, does not completely get it, but he can see why he needs to support and wants to, so it was a big step. It really does help knowing and feeling you’ve been heard doesnt it, otherwise you feel on your own with it.
This was good, levels the scales a bit. Unfortunately, if we dont speak up and out, these people are like runaway trains and sooner or later they create a mess and they pull us into to – so we are forced into dealing with it at crisis point x
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yes and my dad is now acknowledging the fact that dv and its ripple effect is very unhealthy for relationships all round. you know what gets me tho the abuser seems to have relationships that stay in tact. i wonder if that because the people who are close to them are only there because of fear? xxxx i guess we will never know x
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