Triggers 😣

[Starmoon]

I went on another date… ive no intentions of becoming a serial dater but decided to give this one a shot as I was physically attracted to him. He’s far too good for me looks wise… in fact in every aspect. He took me to a really nice restaurant and I felt much like I used to with my ex- I’m uneducated, unattractive and I shouldn’t be here 😭. Not for getting that the last time I was in a place like that was my birthday when my ex assulted me and dumped me because I was ungrateful… it wasn’t that i was ungrateful for my ex taking me somewhere nice… it was that I didn’t fit in and I felt worthless. Being in that situation has just triggered my feelings of worthlessness… made me feel like I dont fit in anywhere… it wasn’t a horrific date but I feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb and he probably sensed it too. After I got home I sent him a msg to thank him for the evening and said I had fun. He replied and said the same but I’ve since deleted the msg app that we were talking on so that i dont have to look at the rejection. When I met my ex I actually felt at home for the first time… like I fit in somewhere and that someone loved me for who I was…. the more experiences I have without him- the more i feel I was to blame for losing him and I will never find anyone els to live me 😓

[KIP.]

I feel you’re still way to vulnerable to be dating. You are still looking to others for validation. To make you feel worthy. You have to feel those positive feelings about yourself before you expose yourself to new relationships. The reason you felt at home with your abuser was because he was a con man right from the beginning. He lied and pretended to be your soul mate, moulded himself into what you wanted. Even groomed you. You don’t need others to prove your self worth. You’re a good decent person. Get to know yourself better x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Starmoon,

You wrote:

“He’s far too good for me looks wise… in fact in every aspect. He took me to a really nice restaurant and I felt much like I used to with my ex- I’m uneducated, unattractive and I shouldn’t be here.”

and:

“…it was that I didn’t fit in and I felt worthless. Being in that situation has just triggered my feelings of worthlessness… made me feel like I dont fit in anywhere… it wasn’t a horrific date but I feel like I stuck out like a sore thumb and he probably sensed it too”

It is completely up to you but from your post it sounds like you, understandably, are still traumatised by your ex and have some unhealed wounds as well as a lack of self love. When we date with unhealed wounds like this with feelings of worthlessness, low self esteem, self hatred etc we tend to attract more abusers as they sense the vulnerability and know we will be easier to manipulate. Or, if we attract healthy men, we feel like we aren’t good enough for them. I say this as someone who only seems to attract dodgy/abusive men, I have read so much about it recently and understand that in order to attract healthy partners, we need to be in a good place ourselves where we have learnt to like and love ourselves, see our own worth, put ourselves first and respect ourselves.

I imagine that you are in fact attractive, intelligent and have lots of great qualities but if you don’t think this about yourself there is not much point dating at the moment because you will be bringing these unhealed wounds into a relationship and at best it would affect even a healthy relationship and at worst, attract another abuser.

Since ending things with my ex I have worked on myself to understand my unhealed wounds. It’s not been easy at all but I feel like I have learnt a lot and like my self esteem is slowly going up. I tried a dating site twice and had to delete it within 24 hours, I too felt really triggered on there and felt worthless and couldn’t handle it at all.

Could you put dating on hold for now and instead create an action plan to help you learn more about yourself, heal and learn to love yourself? This would include things like reading relevant books, lots of self care, doing things you enjoy, connecting with new and old (good friends) and challenging that negative inner critic. Therapy would also really help as well as good rest, exercise, healthy food, lots of things to nourish your mind, body and soul. Things that are in my self care recovery plan include:

Yoga (I like Yoga (detail removed by moderator) on youtube)
videos to relax
Drawing and painting
Walking
Cooking healthy delicious dinners
Therapy
Journaling
Working towards my goal
It also means cutting out toxic people and things out of your life so you could get rid of toxic friends or quit smoking if you smoke, that kind of thing.

Yours might look similar or quite different, for example you might have always wanted to retrain in a new field so now could be a time to explore that, or maybe you always wanted to learn salsa dancing or kayaking or karate – the important thing is that you are listening to your inner voice and allowing yourself to do things you have always wanted to (but perhaps denied yourself before).

There are a lot of good books on amazon (and also in local libraries) about healing childhood emotional wounds, healing from childhood and/or domestic abuse, challenging the inner critic, boundaries, self worth, self esteem so you could see what stands out and give one a go. It’s all a journey, and with some inner work you will start to feel much, much better about yourself and also start to attract healthy men and repel abusers.

Also remember that although it looks like your ex has ‘moved on,’ he is not like us in that he can’t actually love, so even though his new relationship might look good, it is all an act. Abusers never change and he will soon be abusing her and abandoning her for the next victim. You on the other hand are capable of love and pain so you will need a time of recovery before you can love again, but once you are ready, you will be able to have a real, true loving relationship – something your ex will never be able to experience.

[Author]

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